HADES—On the heels of his gift of American-made F-16 fighter
jets and M1 Abrams tanks to the unstable, anti-Semitic government of Egypt,
President Obama surprised even a few of his fellow Democrats today when he sold
666 nuclear missiles to Satan, the Lord of the Underworld.
"Let me be clear," the president said, sweating
profusely at a podium in the bowels of Hell. "This sale of military
hardware to the Prince of Darkness will benefit the country in two key ways.
First, it will provide the United
States treasury with nearly $10 billion,
which may or not be used to pay down the national debt. Also, it makes America
and the entire world a safer place by reducing our nuclear arsenal by over a
third."
Satan agreed with Obama's assessment.
"Barack and I have had a close relationship ever since
his speech at the Democratic National Convention in 2004," said Beelzebub,
peering into the very souls of the assembled White House press corps. "We
both knew he would be going places, but neither of us thought he'd be where he
is so soon. We were thinking 2016 at the earliest, but realistically 2020.
However, thanks to 51.1% of the American people, and especially the media, we
are here today to finalize this historic deal."
After a moment of polite applause for Satan, President Obama
referred all questions to press secretary Jay Carney, then boarded the Devil's
personal jet en route to Washington.
