TIJUANA, MEXICO—Using the Mexican border city of Tijuana as his backdrop,
President Barack Obama today unveiled a controversial plan to bring an end to
illegal immigration.
"Let me be claro," the president said to a confused
group of Mexican street
merchants plying their wares and American college students preparing for a
night of legal debauchery. "Although most of you don't even know it, my
plan to ease, then eventually end, the immigration problem was actually
implemented over four years ago. I take great pride in the fact that I have
personally slowed the flow of illegals into America by making our country
increasingly difficult to live in."
After pausing a moment for applause that never came,
President Obama continued.
"My three-point plan has worked to perfection thus far,"
he said. "Number one, bring hiring to a grinding halt by burying
businesses in taxes, regulation, and uncertainty over Obamacare. Numero dos,
refuse to utilize America's
vast natural resources, resulting in $4 a gallon gas in California and ensuring no immigrant can
afford to drive to work or fuel the equipment that powers his landscaping or
construction business. And thirdly, encourage folks on both sides of the border
to enroll in my myriad welfare programs, thereby bankrupting the nation further
and smothering future generations with insurmountable debt."
Following another awkward, silent pause, the president said,
"Alright, you guys. Enough with the boring international socio-political
babble. Let's get to the real reason I'm here."
President Obama then threw off his gray blazer, revealing a
Señor Frog's t-shirt and an enormous octo-bong.
"Beer summit, baby!" he yelled at the now-roaring
crowd. "And all the cerveza's on me!"
"In a roundabout kind of way."
