Hagel Has 85% Approval Rating Among Islamic Terrorists

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Despite stumbling his way through a grueling afternoon of testimony in front of a Senate confirmation committee today, former Nebraska senator and current Secretary of Defense nominee Chuck Hagel still enjoys an astronomical 85% approval rating among those who wish to do harm to Israel and the United States.

"I try not to get too political," Mahmoud Sayed, 24, said from a terrorist training camp in Yemen. "But in Hagel's case, I'll make an exception."

Sayed went on to say that Hagel is "not quite as anti-Israel as I'd like him to be, but still pretty close," and that "if I'm ever elected to the U.S. Senate, Allah willing, I would gladly confirm a man of similar values. But not a woman. Never a woman."

Rashan Rashan, a brother-in-arms of Mr. Sayed, agreed.

"Death to Israel! Death to America!" shouted the lively go-getter.

Back in Washington, former vice president Al Gore echoed the feelings of Sayed and Rashan.

"I feel that the nomination of Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense would be a great benefit to Israel," Gore said as he counted an enormous wad of oil-stained hundred dollar bills.

"Why, his name rhymes with 'bagel,' and them people like those, don't they?"

Obama, Doomsday Preppers Discuss Economy

PLATTSBURGH, NY—In a move that unnerved even his staunchest supporters, President Obama and his family today abruptly left the White House and flew to upstate New York to meet with the producers of the popular television program "Doomsday Preppers."

"Let me be clear," President Obama said in a video broadcast from an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. "My subjects, er, fellow Americans have nothing to fear. Though I'll admit the unexpected drop of the quarterly GDP into negative territory isn't the best of news, it could be worse. In fact, according to the economic experts I've just met with, it could be much worse."

The president then detailed a three-point plan designed to get the nation's economy humming again.

"First, I plan to drag the Second Amendment issue out as long as possible. This will stimulate gun and ammunition sales even further, as well as ensure that gun ranges and gun safety classes are bursting at the seams.

"Second, I will encourage every American to purchase mass amounts of non-perishable food items, which will help grow the retail and logistics sectors, among others. I'm talking canned foods, dehydrated and powdered foods, MREs. And don't forget your liquids—plenty of bottled water, coffee, tea. Alcohol if you're so inclined, or if you'd like a bartering tool, er, to throw a party. Also, seeds wouldn't be a bad idea.

"And lastly, I will encourage every American to stock up on precious metals and stones. This will give a shot in the arm to the jewelry, rare coin, and mining industries, to name just a few. Won't your wife or husband or transgender lover be thrilled when you show he or she or it a 24-karat gold necklace or a collection of pre-1964 silver coins?"

When asked when he and his family would return to Washington and begin hammering out legislation, President Obama failed to give a specific time or date.

"Me, Michelle, and the girls are really enjoying our time up here in extreme northern New York state. We especially love the relative isolation of the community, the enormous fresh water source of Lake Champlain, and the close proximity of the economically viable nation of Canada. To be completely honest, I don't know when we'll be back.

"In fact, don't wait up for us."

Endangered Species Support Keystone XL Pipeline

SAND HILLS, NE—Despite emotional protests from environmental groups around the country, the vast majority of residents actually living in the region that could be affected by the Keystone XL pipeline are in favor of building it.

"The technology isn't as iffy as it was twenty, thirty years ago," said a phyllopod shrimp, a long-time denizen of Sand Hills. "I mean, sure, there might be some guys in boots walking around, but it's no skin off my ass if they just watch their step. No need to cancel the whole thing."

"I'm with the shrimp," agreed a blowout penstemon, a tiny regional plant. "And that's coming from someone on the endangered species list. If I don't get run over by a truck, I'll get eaten by grazing cattle. What's the damn difference?"

The Midwest Ledger was lucky enough to happen upon a Western Meadowlark, the Nebraska state bird and a year-round resident of Sand Hills.

"Let me get this straight," the Western Meadowlark said. "You guys have a chance to extend an oil pipeline that will create 20,000 jobs in a moribund economy, generate untold billions of dollars for the country, and lessen America's dependence on foreign oil from hostile nations? Why wasn't this thing done yesterday?"

When told that the pipeline might endanger the region's flora and fauna, the Western Meadowlark burst out laughing.

"Are you kidding me?"

The Meadowlark eventually composed itself, shook its head, then ate the shrimp, defecated on the blowout penstemon, and flew away.

Obama Consults Expectant Mothers, Fetuses on Economy

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Following up on his successful use of children to bring attention to the issue of gun control, President Obama today met with an informal panel of pregnant women at a local "Mommy & Me" prenatal center to talk about the economy.

"Let me be clear," President Obama said, holding up an ultrasound image of one of the mothers' fetuses. "The exploitation, er, utilization of children is what will keep this country great, going forward."

"I've received many sage recommendations from nine- and ten-year-olds over the past several weeks," Obama continued. "But I'm here today to consult with a younger generation, one that isn't as jaded and defeated as the young people I currently surround myself with."

President Obama approached Tamara Jenkins, a 27-year-old pharmaceutical saleswoman expecting her first child late next month. Smiling, Obama crouched before Tamara, placed his hand on her ample belly, and asked, "So, little one. Do you think I should order another round of quantitative easing? Kick once for yes, twice for no."

Seemingly satisfied with the answer, President Obama spoke with a handful of other mothers before taking a seat beside Kaitlyn Phelps, 31, and her daughter Amber, 3.

"I have a very important question for you, Amber," the president said as the girl twirled around in circles, clutching a doll to her chest. "How much money do you think I can add to the deficit this fiscal year without the Republicans threatening to impeach me?"

"This many!" Amber exclaimed, holding up three fingers before falling to the floor in a fit of laughter.

"Thank you, dear," President Obama said, getting to his feet. "Three trillion dollars it is."    

Michael Moore Unaware He's Living, Heavily-Breathing Caricature of American Excess

FLINT, MI—Despite appearing to be of at least average intelligence, it seems American filmmaker Michael Moore is completely unaware that he is the very personification of that which he rails against most.

"I don't get it," said local resident Terry Klein. "I saw 'Roger and Me,' and Moore was going on and on about how evil rich executives are. But doesn't Moore have like fifty million bucks now? At least? He could single-handedly fix up those neighborhoods he was crying about. But I bet he hasn't."

"I mean really," Klein went on. "If I went up to one of those guys you see at the beach that draw caricatures and asked him to draw American excess in human form, he would draw Michael Moore's fat ass without missing a beat."

"And you know in political cartoons how they show congressmen as fat pigs carrying those big sacks with dollar signs printed on the side of them? That's what Michael Moore looked like that time he wore a suit on TV."

"And when foreigners think of the typical American," Klein continued, "what do they think of? Fat, rich, overbearing slobs who have a heightened sense of intellectual superiority for absolutely no reason whatsoever."

"I mean, damn. That's Moore in a nutshell."

Dr. Bonnie Leonard, a psychiatrist with the Flint School District, sees things a little differently.

"Oftentimes, when a person like Mr. Moore allows himself to reach such an unhealthy weight, it is the result of decades of self-hatred. I imagine he was teased and bullied in school, and that he wasn't very successful attracting the opposite sex. Food and controversial documentary filmmaking are his only releases, the only things that make him feel alive and worthy of the praise of others. But perhaps I'm wrong."

"Perhaps he's just a living, heavily-breathing caricature of American excess."

Postal Service Prolongs Inevitable By Raising Rates

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an attempt to keep itself afloat for another couple of months, the United States Postal Service today raised the price of a first-class stamp from 45 cents to 46 cents.

"We feel that by upping the rate for first-class postage by a penny," Deputy Assistant to the Postmaster General Patricia Anderson said, "we can keep this Ponzi scheme going for another 50, maybe 60 days."

"Then we'll just get another 'loan' from Congress."

The USPS, $15 billion in debt and counting, has suffered losses for years due to its failure to keep up with constantly advancing technology, as well as its inability to match the efficiency of its private-sector competitors.

When asked if the USPS had any plans to reduce its debt other than by raising rates and laying off unneeded, redundant workers, an incredulous Anderson asked, "Why?"

"Look," Anderson elaborated. "Who else is going to get your Aunt Mildred's birthday card from San Francisco to Boca Raton in four days for less than half a buck? Nobody, that's who. And that is precisely why we have the entire nation held securely by the balls."

"Besides, do you think President Obama is going to let this listing ship sink? Hell no! He'll just bypass Congress and issue an executive order releasing taxpayer funds to fix this decades-in-the-making mess."

"Then he'll tack on another $25 billion in earmarked pork, just as an extra 'screw you'," Anderson added.

"Ain't America great?"

JaMarcus Russell Attempting Comeback At Taco Bell

LAFAYETTE, LA—Former college football standout and NFL number one pick JaMarcus Russell recently announced his intention to return to Taco Bell, the company he latched on with after his days in Raider silver and black ended.

"It won't be easy," the former quarterback admitted as he walked on a treadmill in his home gym.

"First off, I'll have to find a franchise willing to give me another chance. As you probably know, things didn't end too well the last time me and 'The Bell' parted ways."

Russell seemed destined for stardom when he joined the Taco Bell crew at the intersection of 38th Street and Central Avenue in Oakland. He advanced from cleanup duty to burrito-wrapper to cashier in fewer than three weeks, a franchise record. A shot at a coveted Assistant Manager position seemed guaranteed.

Unfortunately, Russell's old demons came back to haunt him.

"Truth be told," Russell said, wiping his brow, "I ate myself out of Taco Bell. I had the misfortune of joining the organization as it was making the transition from regular cheddar cheese to 'melty' cheese. Cheddar I could deal with, but melty? A man's only got so much willpower."

Russell languished with the organization for another three months, during which he gained forty pounds. His average transaction time went from a crew-best 37 seconds to an excruciatingly slow two minutes and eight seconds. With little fanfare, the franchise cut him soon afterward.

"So many people say I can't do it, that I can't come back," Russell said, biting into a Taco Bell XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito, "but mmph purffle ur frong."       

Black, White Presidents Equally Inept At Hurricane Recovery, Study Finds

NEW ORLEANS, LA—The preliminary results of a seven-year study find that, contrary to popular belief, an American president's skin color has no bearing on whether or not he will be competent enough to handle a devastating natural disaster.

"Believe me," said study coordinator Dr. David Reyes. "We're just as shocked as you are."

Reyes, professor of Social Sciences at Louisiana State University, teamed up with a group at Princeton University to collect and analyze the data.

"Although the sample size of two is admittedly small," Reyes said, "our team has concluded that neither the skin color of the most powerful person in the world nor that of the people most affected by a given natural disaster matters at all when a gigantic storm surge is heading toward a vulnerable, low-lying area. In such a case, all parties are equally screwed."

"We wish there was a simpler explanation as to why, even with a week's forewarning," Dr. Reyes continued, "hundreds of thousands of U.S. citizens must endure third-world conditions for weeks or months while the president and the rest of the government attempt to pry their collective head out of their ass."

"Maybe they could have a bunch of utility vehicles and personnel on standby just outside the storm's path, ready to start restoring power as soon as it's safe to do so?" Dr. Reyes went on, shrugging. "A few dozen helicopters set to take flight in case roads and runways are impassable? Then bring in the bulldozers? Just my two cents. But I'm just a lowly professor, not the President of the United States or the head of FEMA."

"In conclusion, move inland," Reyes advised.

"But watch out for tornadoes."

Congress Approves Ban on Mentioning Harbaugh Brothers Until After Super Bowl

NEW ORLEANS, LA—In an attempt to deter the violence that occurs every year when the public is bombarded with two straight weeks of football-related human-interest stories leading up to the Super Bowl, Congress agreed today on a moratorium that prohibits any mention of the fact that San Francisco 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh and Baltimore Ravens head coach John Harbaugh are brothers.

"I swear to God," Niners fan Steven Winchell said at the Waterfront Pub and Grill in San Francisco. "I'm a Niners fan, through and through. But if I hear one more commentator mention that those guys are brothers, I'll shoot someone in the face."

"I'm a mild-mannered guy," Winchell added. "But I'll go right out that door, find a shady-looking character, have him track down a gun for me, buy said gun at an undoubtedly insanely marked-up price, then cap the first person I see. Right in the damn face."

Similar threats of violence, and unfortunately, real violence, occurred in 2006 during the lead-up to Super Bowl XL between the Pittsburgh Steelers and Seattle Seahawks. For two solid weeks, the fact that the game was to be played in Detroit and that beloved Steelers running back Jerome Bettis, a native of Detroit, was to retire after the game, ran on a continuous loop in every conceivable media outlet.

The resultant riots claimed 27,349 lives and caused over $350 billion dollars in property damage nationally.   

Panetta Ends War on Women by Sending Women to War

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Yesterday, Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta, with a simple stroke of his pen, brought an end to the "War on Women," a battle that had been raging since supporters of the Democratic Party invented it sometime during the 2012 presidential campaign.

"Fortunately," Secretary Panetta said, "no women were killed or even injured during the conflict. However, several dozen reported being mildly inconvenienced."

Panetta continued.

"It is our hope that letting women finally join the front lines of our military will ensure equality within the ranks of every branch, both in pay and in the opportunity to become targeted by our enemies around the globe."

"It is certainly a great leap forward," agreed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who has the same amount of military experience as Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama.

"These women, who were already being paid the same as men, will now be released from their binders, equipped with ill-fitting body armor, and sent to the most back-assward ratholes the world has to offer."

"I hate to toot my own horn," Secretary Clinton added, smiling shyly, "but thanks in part to me, women will soon have the pleasure of risking their lives in emerging markets such as Algeria, Mali, and even Mauritania. Isn't it just wonderful?"

At press time, President Obama was unavailable for comment. 

Local Dork Usurps Scoville Scale to Rate Hotness of Women

READING, PA—Pathetic local resident Howard Friedman, 44, has taken a little-known scale that measures the spiciness of peppers and now uses it to assess the attractiveness of every woman he sees.

"See that one over there?" the dangerously overweight Friedman said, pointing at a thirty-something blonde woman corralling her two young children into a dentist's office across the street. "She's okay. I'll give her a 6,000. Maybe 7,000."

Friedman is a connoisseur of sorts. After burning down his studio apartment five years ago while cooking chili, he now resigns himself to sampling the work of others. In fact, he's gained a reputation among locals as a keen judge of spiciness at cook-offs.

"It's not much of a stretch to go from chili to women, am I right?" Friedman asked with barely-contained mirth. "Both are hot and spicy, but the next morning, you regret eating them!"

Friedman's friends, if he had any, would most likely frown upon their friend's objectification of women. But Friedman has a retort for them.

"Hey, man," he tells his hypothetical friends. "You think women don't objectify us? Then you're nuts. I can't tell you how many of your sweet, innocent women have objectified me. Hell, one might be objectifying me right now." Friedman paused long enough to look up and down Penn Way, presumably to ascertain if any women were, in fact, objectifying him.

"Well, not right now," he admitted. "But it ain't even the weekend yet."    

Feinstein, Pelosi Included in Ban on Scary-Looking Inanimate Objects

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Citing a need to act quickly to protect the nation's children, the House of Representatives today passed a bill that would rid the country of scary-looking inanimate objects.

The news was music to the ears of Alison Gomez, 30, of Merced, California. The mother of two young daughters was just one of millions of concerned parents who signed a petition imploring Washington to make the move.

"It was different when they were younger," Alison said, wiping a tear from her eye. "I could protect them myself every day. But now that they're in school..."

Alison was prompted to take action when her seven-year-old daughter, Melody, came home from Orrenma Elementary School late last week crying her eyes out.

"I asked her what was wrong, but she was inconsolable. She just kept saying, 'scary ladies, scary ladies,' over and over again."

When Melody finally calmed down, Alison coaxed the identities of the "scary ladies" out of her.

"It turns out the students start the day by watching a ten-minute news segment, and Dianne Feinstein and Nancy Pelosi have been on TV so much lately talking about guns," Alison said, shaking her head. "Don't they know the damage they're doing when they expose our innocent little children to their faces?"

When asked if there was any way she'd let her daughters watch the news segments at school again, Alison said, "Well, if they cut the length of the news from ten minutes to seven, that might work."

In addition to Feinstein and Pelosi, other potentially-banned inanimate objects include Andrew Cuomo, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, and Michael Moore.  

Unemployment, Neck Tattoo Rates Hold Steady at 7.8%

WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to statistics released today by the Labor Department, the country's unemployment and neck tattoo rates unexpectedly remained at 7.8% for a third consecutive month. Department spokesman Neil Laetner attributed the flatline to a little-known segment of the workforce.

"With the economy humming along at a 0.09% monthly growth rate," Laetner said, "one would expect a slight down-tick in the unemployment rate. But one would be wrong. Many people fail to take the nation's ODI, or Obnoxious Douchebag Index, into consideration."

Mr. Laetner elaborated.

"In layman's terms, ODI is the baseline against which all unemployment and neck tattoo data are compared. The OD job market—primarily the big-box retail, fast food, and logistics sectors—is volatile to begin with. Introduce hundreds of thousands of douches who have no business putting ink on their neck," Laetner said, chuckling, "and you've got yourself a good ol' fashioned poo-storm."

Laetner went on to explain that the average OD is employed no more than 17 days at a time, skewing the job market in favor of those people with the foresight to not get their neck tattooed.

"Neck ink is all well and good for a small segment of the population—athletes, felons, musicians, and, of course, tattoo artists. But when your typical OD with neck tats has a penchant for clocking in an hour late for work, smoking his lunch, and screaming at his girlfriend in the middle of the lawn and garden section...Well, you can see where that 17-day average comes from."

According to Laetner, projections indicate the unemployment and neck tattoo rates will remain closely linked far into the future.

"With the questionable economy coupled with questionable decisions made by questionable people," he said, "there's no reason to think otherwise."    

Clintons Reveal Plans To Vacation In Benghazi This Spring

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a grueling day of questioning in front of two congressional committees, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that she, husband Bill, and daughter Chelsea were more than ready for a vacation.

Their destination?

Benghazi, Libya.

"Benghazi has been given a real bad rap by the press recently," Secretary Clinton explained, "so I thought it would be a great idea to show the world just how wonderful and safe the city really is."

"Although I've never been there in person," she continued, "I have seen grainy black-and-white aerial footage of Benghazi, and it just seems like the most charming little seaside town. It's basically San Diego, but in Africa. What difference does it make, right?"

Muslim Brotherhood Director of Tourism, Mohammed al-Killyall, promised nothing but the finest of accommodations for the Clintons during their stay.

"They will live in luxury," al-Killyall said. "We will give the honorable Clinton family the same hospitality that we reserve for our foreign diplomats and even our region's own Coptic Christians."

When asked if President Obama would be willing to vacation in Chicago to prove that his hometown is just as safe as Benghazi, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney replied, "Hell no."

California, Russia, Reach Arms Agreement

SANTA BARBARA, CA—In an attempt to reduce a budget deficit that threatens to bring state operations to a grinding halt, California today reached a preliminary agreement with Russia on the use of its less-desirable land as intercontinental ballistic missile fodder in exchange for monetary considerations.

The southern desert region, specifically Riverside and San Bernardino Counties, is first on the auction block.

"We expect the wasteland in these counties to be scooped up first," said Clover Simmons, director of Green Going Forward, an environmental think tank headquartered at a commune north of Santa Barbara. "At $100 an acre, the Russians can afford to dial in their targeting systems to their hearts' content."

If the Russians want to study the effects of nuclear annihilation in a more urban area, however, they're going to have to up the ante, Simmons intimated.

"We aren't getting too attached to some of our mid-sized Central Valley communities," she said with a laugh. "Some of the towns there range between 50,000 and 400,000 residents, so they're going to be prime real estate if and when our new partners decide they want to see firsthand the impact a nuclear explosion can have on a population center. We're talking $1000, maybe $1500 an acre. Modesto, Bakersfield, Merced. Places like that are a veritable gold mine."

Simmons went on to say that, yes, hundreds of thousands of lives would be lost, but, "there are still many, many wonderful towns in the Golden State that are not currently in an ICBM's cross-hairs."

Ms. Simmons estimates that the thermonuclear destruction and irradiation of vast swaths of California will generate upwards of $75 million, some of which will go toward the state's $9 billion budget shortfall. However, most of the money is slated to fund wind power and alternative fuel research.

"The benefits of this deal are twofold," Simmons said. "First and foremost, we'll raise money—after taxes, of course—for green energy. A secondary effect is that California will single-handedly reduce the world's nuclear stockpiles by upwards of 40 percent."

President Obama Divorces Michelle, Marries Barney Frank

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his boldest statement to date in support of gay marriage, President Barack Obama today finalized divorce papers against his wife Michelle, then immediately exchanged wedding vows with former Massachusetts Senator Barney Frank.

"Let me be queer, er, clear," the now-openly gay Obama said at a hastily-assembled White House press conference. "Michelle and I have had our differences over the years, mainly in regards to her hair. What she did to me at Monday's inauguration was inexcusable. To show up with that...thing atop her already questionable-looking head? I don't think so, Prince Valiant. I signed off on the divorce papers as soon as we finished our final scripted night together."

As a baffled press corps looked on, President Obama smiled at the new Mr. Obama, gave his hand a gentle squeeze, then planted a wet, loving kiss on the 72-year-old man's mouth.

"I just want to let all of you young people out there struggling with your sexuality to know," the president continued when he was able to pull himself away from Barney Obama's embrace, "that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Thomas Jefferson would've wanted it this way."

At press time, Gallup reported a three-point increase in President Obama's favorability rating among homosexuals aged 18-24.     

Dow Reaches 5-Year High, Notes Family Burning Newspaper for Warmth

CHICAGO, IL—The Dow Jones Industrial Average topped the 13,700-point barrier today—its highest close in five years—local resident Ely Chambers noted as he burned several copies of the Wall Street Journal to provide warmth for himself, his wife, and his three-year-old daughter.

"Huh," Mr. Chambers elaborated. "How about that?"

Ely, his wife, Angela, and their daughter, Taisha, have been squatting in a long-ago boarded-up real estate office on the city's dangerous South Side ever since they were laid off from their respective jobs just days after Taisha's first birthday.

"Bad timing, am I right?" asked a cold and frightened but smiling Angela. "I mean, our 401(k)s combined would be in the five figures by now, assuming we still had our jobs."

The Chambers family huddled around the rusty 55-gallon drum that serves as both their heat source and their toilet.

"It's a trick I learned during my four tours in Iraq and Afghanistan," Ely said with obvious pride. "Burning your urine and fecal matter for hygiene reasons is just common sense. But if you can get some warmth out of it? Hell, that's what I call a bonus."

"You should email President Obama with that idea, babe!" Angela said.

"I did. Two years ago."

At press time, President Obama was unavailable for comment

Bloomberg Announces Plan to Monitor Toilet Paper Usage

NEW YORK CITY—At an impromptu press conference this afternoon, Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced a bold new initiative aimed at minimizing the use of toilet tissue by his constituents.

"Even in a city as environmentally-conscious as New York," Bloomberg said during a Midtown charity luncheon, "countless tons of toilet tissue are wasted every year. As much as I'd like to personally monitor the millions of bowel movements that take place in our fine city each day, it just isn't feasible. However, thanks to modern technology, I'm able to provide our citizens with the next best thing."

While his fellow diners applauded, Mayor Bloomberg reached beneath his chair and produced a roll of white toilet paper mounted on a customized dispenser.

"This dispenser allows for three sheets of single-ply toilet tissue per use, free of charge. Any additional usage is detected and tallied by an infrared sensing unit. At the end of each month, any overages will become subject to the city's new Empire State Hygiene Incentive Tax, or E-SHIT."

"In addition," Bloomberg continued, "my pre-recorded voice will provide helpful hints on how you can minimize your family's need for toilet paper. For instance, I may suggest a more roughage-centric diet or even a gentle laxative if I feel you're using more than your fair share of tissue. It will almost be like I'm right there in the bathroom with you, watching as you evacuate your bowels."

Bloomberg added that he'd like to "spread the E-SHIT program all over New York as soon as possible," citing increased revenue for the state as well as "a healthy concern for my fellow citizens."

Chief Justice Roberts Accidentally Swears in Mitt Romney

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a gaffe reminiscent of his infamous word-stumbling at President Obama's 2009 inauguration, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts today swore in Mitt Romney as the nation's 45th President.

"I can't believe I screwed up again," Justice Roberts said, drink in hand, at the lavish post-inaugural ball celebrating President Romney's unexpected victory. "First the word-switch thing with Obama four years ago, then voting wrong on the constitutionality of the healthcare bill, and now this," Roberts said, smacking the side of his head. "Doy!"

President Romney and First Lady Ann Romney, who made a last-minute decision to attend what was presumed to be former President Obama's second inauguration, were graciously given front row seats by former First Lady Michelle Obama. When former President Obama failed to show up ten, then fifteen, then twenty minutes after the scheduled start of the ceremony, however, confusion set in.

"I felt I had to do something," Justice Roberts said. "I mean, people were getting antsy, myself included. Then I looked down and saw Mitt and Ann, and, well, he's so presidential-looking and I knew she'd make a fine First Lady, so I figured, 'What the hell,' you know?"

As a baffled crowd of over half a million looked on, Roberts had former Governor Romney join him on the dais, put his hand on a Bible, and recite the thirty-five word affirmation that made him President of the United States.

"Thankfully," Roberts said, "I got the words right, and in the right order. Phew! That was a close one. Am I right, America?"