Retrofitting Flagpoles for Permanent Half-Staff Accounts for 33% of 3Q Growth

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After crowing about its policies' role in the nation's recent, albeit anemic, economic growth, the Obama administration was forced to stop patting itself on the back today when the driving force behind the third quarter's "new normal" of sub-3% growth was revealed.

"Yes, it's true," a clearly-perturbed Jay Carney told the White House press corps. "After taking a while to crunch the numbers, it has come to our attention that a large chunk of last quarter's growth can be indirectly attributed to the current administration's continued incompetence."

In fact, fully one-third of the upward-revised 2.5% of 2013's third-quarter Gross National Product (GDP) growth came from a tiny segment of the manufacturing and labor sectors, and was driven mainly by an increase in demand for smaller pulleys and shorter ropes for flagpoles.

"Basically, this country's been at half-staff for about five years now," Ron Kiplinger, general manager of RK Rope and Pulley intimated. "It's just been one tragedy after another. One boondoggle after another. One 'It Would Be Funny If It Happened To A Different Country' incident after another.

"Sure, it's great for business. But in the long run, it's a nightmare for the country I love."

Mr. Kiplinger's company, as the name implies, provides a variety of rope-and-pulley systems for flagpoles of all heights. His factory floor has been a scene of controlled chaos since January, 2009, when the demand for having flags that actually go all the way to the top of the pole plummeted.

"My workforce tripled after I added a labor crew to the payroll," Mr. Kiplinger said. "We've retrofitted literally millions of flagpoles over the past four-and-a-half years. Unfortunately, the accounting guys tell me business is going to go into the toilet beginning in 2016. So we're making hay while we can, so to speak."

When asked for his opinion on this breaking economic news, Vice President Joe Biden noted that "he was at half-staff right now," and that he "[has] your rope and pulley right here."

Obama Crowned Miss America 2014

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—President Barack Obama added to his growing list of undeserved awards Sunday night when he was crowned Miss America for 2014, an accomplishment some pageant traditionalists feel tarnishes the image of the nearly century-old beauty (and brains) contest.

"The Miss America Pageant prides itself on being progressive and inclusive," former Miss New Jersey and long-time pageant spokeswoman Eileen Scavaldi told reporters, "but allowing a wealthy, married, fifty-something to win really stretches the boundaries of what Miss America is all about.

"Also," Miss Scavaldi elaborated, "the guy's a dude."

Professional pageant judge Lance Bruceman disagreed with most of Scavaldi's assessment.

"Overall, he was fabulous! Simply fabulous!" Mr. Bruceman exclaimed. "I had to dock him a few points for some fit and manscaping issues related to the swimwear portion of the contest, but he more than made up for those shortcomings during the question and answer segment. I can't remember specifically what impressed me about his answers, or even what he said, but I do know he looked f-i-n-e fine saying it!"

Mr. Bruceman also praised the president for his "strength, dignity, and valor" in participating in a contest normally reserved for college coeds of debatable intelligence, and for how "yummy" he looked in his bright red Vera Wang evening gown.

"Frankly," Mr. Bruceman went on, "Mr. Obama dominated every facet of the pageant. Those other girls didn't stand a chance against his poise, bearing, and elegance. He even showed us his feminine side when [Miss America 2013] Mallory [Hagen] put the crown on his head and he bawled like a little girl."

When asked what, in his opinion, put Mr. Obama over the top, Mr. Bruceman responded, "Definitely the talent segment. I've seen a million ventriloquist acts, but I've never seen someone enunciate so clearly and convincingly. And to think he did it all without the use of a dummy!

"Mr. Obama obviously has a God-given talent for talking out of his ass."

Obama Commemorates September 11th

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a solemn, little-reported speech this afternoon, President Barack Obama took time out from a busy day to address a small group gathered in the shadow of the Washington Monument.

"Let me be clear," the president said at a podium just feet from the Reflecting Pool. "I'm standing here with you today because September 11th is indeed a day for reflecting. Every single American has been touched by this particular calendar date, myself included."

After pausing a moment for polite applause, Mr. Obama continued.

"Take September 11, 1961, for instance. I was a mere five weeks old and not yet empowered with the motor skills that would allow me to impart my charismatic brand of genius upon the simple denizens of this then-backward nation. The country would have to wait nearly fifty years for my leadership. Truly tragic."

While the gape-mouthed crowd stared at him in disbelief, Mr. Obama went on.

"And who could forget September 11, 1966? It was my first day of school, and Billy Kalamea, fully twice my size, pushed me to the asphalt on the playground and stole my lunch. A catastrophe for myself, the state of Hawaii, and America as a whole."

President Obama mentioned a dozen other horrific incidents that occurred on September 11th, including in 1982, when his trusted dealer shorted him on a dime-bag, 1994, when he was involved in a fender-bender with an uninsured motorist, and 2001, when he and Michelle engaged in a heated argument over the quality of her broccoli casserole.

"She wouldn't talk to me for a week," Mr. Obama added, chuckling and checking his hair in the Reflecting Pool. "It was a difficult time for all, yet we pulled together and managed to get through it."

 
At press time, President Obama was on the phone in the Oval Office wishing President Bashar al-Assad of Syria a happy 48th birthday.

Violence Erupts During Obama's Syria Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Police departments in several U.S. cities reported outbreaks of violence last night during President Barack Obama's nationally-televised speech supporting a military strike against Bashar al-Assad's oppressive Syrian regime.

"What the hell is this?" Jenny Samuels, 21, shouted in her dorm room at Georgetown University as President Obama stepped to the podium. "Didn't we go through this exact same crap like ten years ago with that other president guy?"

"Yeah!" agreed roommate Kelly Chen, also 21. "Last time, they only pre-empted 'Friends,' so it was no big deal. But to think Obama has the nerve to interrupt the live finale of 'So You Think You Can Dance?'

"The whole situation just makes me want to rip all the hair out of my head!" Chen added before unleashing an animalistic shriek of rage and smashing the television remote against the wall.

College students weren't the only ones angered by Mr. Obama's decision to deliver a live, 15-minute speech during prime-time. Stockbrokers Gary Thompson and Ed Stern were sitting at a bar in Manhattan awaiting the start of "American Ninja Warrior" when NBC cut in to present the speech.

"You have to be [expletive] kidding me!" Thompson lamented as the president stated his case for increased American involvement in the always-volatile Middle East. "I worked hard all day gambling with other people's money. All I want to do is sit back with a drink and watch my favorite TV show. Is that too much to ask?

"That bastard's lucky he's in his last term," Mr. Stern chimed in. "There's no way I'd vote for him a third time."

 
Ten minutes later, incensed by President Obama's refusal to stop "yammering away about stuff no one cares about," Stern hurled his martini glass across the room then punched a fellow bar patron in the face several times, triggering a brawl that resulted in six arrests and four hospitalizations.

State of Idaho Commits Suicide Following Boise State Loss

BOISE, ID—In a shocking development that has stunned much of the American northwest, the entire state of Idaho committed suicide en masse following the Boise State University football team's 38-6 loss to the University of Washington late Saturday night.

"Yeah, I knew something was wrong when I heard what sounded like a thunderclap right around 10pm," Clarkston, Washington resident Neil Watkins recounted when told that approximately 1.6 million of his neighbors were dead from self-inflicted gunshot wounds. "It was a beautiful night, not a cloud in the sky. But then right at ten o'clock. Boom!"

Other residents of Clarkston, which lies just across the border from Lewiston, Idaho, shared similar stories.

"Yup," said Margaret Welch, 77. "I was watchin' the game, just like everyone else. It was close in the first half, then BSU's defense went all to Hades, which we've come to expect. But as the game clock ticked on and on, it became pretty clear the offense wasn't going to bail them out the way they have the last seven years or so. Then, bang!"

Although BSU, a perennial Mountain West Conference powerhouse, was only ranked 19th in both the NCAA preseason AP and USA Today coaches' polls, Idahoans were confident the Broncos had a legitimate shot at the BCS championship.

"Sure, they're a big fish in a microscopic pond," Boise resident Todd Fields said during a cigarette break at his business meeting in Spokane. "They beat the crap out their conference, stomp on a few non-conference creampuffs, then skate to a top-five ranking and finagle their way into a meaningful bowl game. That's the way it's always been.

"At least, that's the way it used to be," Fields added, gazing wistfully at a dangerously-congested highway just 100 feet away from him.

At press time, the NCAA had issued Early-Season Suicide Watches (ESSWs) for the Athens, Georgia, and Lincoln, Nebraska regions.