Obautocare Bill Passes Senate

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a vote split purely upon party lines, President Barack Obama's follow-up to Obamacare today sailed through the Senate on its way to the House next week.

"Call it whatever you want," a flustered-looking John Boehner said during a smoke break on the Capitol steps. "S.R. 3247, the AWARD [A Warrantied America Rewards Drivers] Act, Obautocare. By any name, it's just another nail in the coffin of this nation's economy."

Despite the rocky launch of Obamacare earlier this month, President Obama insisted upon pushing Obautocare legislation through Congress as soon as possible.

"Let me be clear," the president said, sporting grease-stained overalls and wielding a large crescent wrench. "Other than housing and healthcare, vehicle maintenance takes the biggest chunk out of the average working American's paycheck."

Mr. Obama took a moment to explain the concepts of "working" and "paycheck" to his audience before continuing.

"Therefore, to ease the pain of the middle class, and to ensure they have the means to travel to work and pay tribute, er, put food on their families' tables, I've proposed a law that would make all those fears of sputtering engines and rattling undercarriages a thing of the past.

"For a nominal fee," the president said, "I'll ensure that your vehicle, no matter its age or condition, will be taken care of in its time of need. Of course, you can keep your current mechanic, and I guarantee the cost of his services will drop by at least fifty percent."

When asked what he thought about the legality of Obautocare, Chief Justice John Roberts said, "Oh, I think we'll work something out."

Suspicious Package Prompts Evacuation of Portland Mall

PORTLAND, OR—The Southside Mall, a sprawling center of commerce near downtown Portland, was evacuated this afternoon following the discovery of a suspicious package.

"I saw it just sitting there, and I was all like, what?" Tyler Johnson, 17, said just outside the perimeter set up by the Portland Police Department. "I mean, who just leaves a backpack out in front of Forever 21 like that? Someone could like totally steal it and stuff."

PPD spokeswoman Alice Chandler said the backpack aroused the suspicion of shoppers because of its clean and "obviously new" appearance.

"Typically," Mrs. Chandler said, "backpacks dropped in the Portland metro area are covered in filth. Dirt, mud, sweat stains. And, typically, they're surrounded in an almost tangible cloud of body odor and stale weed. But this backpack didn't fit the profile, hence the evacuation. For the safety of the public."

When the backpack was unzipped by a brave member of the PPD bomb squad, its mystery only deepened.

"An examination of its contents just put us into full-on crisis mode," Mrs. Chandler said. "The backpack contained nothing but neatly folded articles of clothing, some foodstuffs, and a few bottles of water. No drugs, no crude weapons, no handmade panhandling signs. Obviously, this is not what you expect to find in an abandoned backpack in Portland, so you can understand the precautions we took."

The backpack was eventually destroyed by the bomb squad for safety reasons, leveling the Forever 21 store and causing approximately $300,000 in damage to neighboring shops.

Obamacare Website Redirects To Malia's MySpace Page

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what the White House today termed "a step in the right direction," the terminally flawed Obamacare website now consists solely of a link to the MySpace page of President Barack Obama's eldest daughter, Malia.

"Let me be clear," the president said via a Skype interview repeatedly interrupted by digital tiling and audio cut-outs. "I'm slightly less indifferent toward the perceived failed launch of Obamacare than I am about any of the other failed aspects of my presidency. I feel the Obamacare website should be more user-friendly for the tech-savvy, 2013 crowd. Therefore, I have made the decision to put the Obamacare site in the hands of a company with an eye toward the future: MySpace."

When the giggles and snickers of the under-thirty members of the press corps subsided, Mr. Obama continued.

"My beloved daughter, Malia, first worked hand-in-hand with MySpace in 2005. Together, they built a website capable of displaying her favorite foods and movies, a selection of songs she enjoyed at the time, pictures of her loved ones, and even something called a 'web log,' or 'blog' in which she could record her most intimate hopes and dreams. Clearly, MySpace is at the forefront of information technology, and that is why I have given them a blank check to fix the perceived 'glitches' in the Obamacare site."

While everyone under the age of forty burst into laughter, President Obama's Skype connection dropped out for good.

At press time, The Midwest Ledger can confirm that the team overseeing the MySpace transition includes President Obama's high school debate coach, his college pot dealer, and George Soros.

Dog Riding in Car Looks Terrified

LA JOLLA, CA—According to reports, a dog sitting in the front passenger seat of a Volkswagen Jetta on Interstate 15 appears to be on the verge of suffering a heart attack.

"I mean, it's hard to tell for sure," witness Amber Castro, 20, said when describing the plight of the pooch. "It was one of those little tiny rat-dogs that are always shivering and stuff. So I'm not sure if it was in mortal fear for its life, or if it was just being normal."

"I'm in the same boat," said Dylan Trumbo, 19, Ms. Castro's on-again, off-again beau. "The rat-dog's eyes were all bugging out and I swear I could see clumps of hair just falling out of it and floating onto the freeway, but I can't be a hundred-percent sure."

Ms. Castro added that the passenger-side window of the Jetta appeared to be half-open, but she couldn't say for sure if the dog was jumping toward the gap to get some fresh air or to splatter its itty-bitty body all over the carpool lane.

"It's really hard to say. I mean, the girl driving the car looked like a bitch, but that's just me. She looked all stuck up, plus she was like smoking a cigarette, trying to eat french fries, and texting all at the same time. If you ask me, the dog was probably better off jumping out the damn window."

At press time, the dog in question was dining on the ear of the Jetta's driver, who was ejected through the windshield after failing to slow down in time for one of Interstate 15's world-renown random traffic jams.