WASHINGTON, D.C.—In
a stunning move orchestrated to reinvent himself as a strong supporter of Israel, Secretary
of Defense nominee Chuck Hagel (R-NE) today shunned his lifelong Episcopalian
faith and converted to Judaism.
"It was easier than you might think," Hagel said
in the hallway outside Vice President Joe Biden's office. "I saw this
movie once where a guy had to put on a costume and read a bunch of Hebrew stuff
from a scroll, then get some type of Jew baptism or something. But it turns out
there's all different kinds of Jews, and they all have different ways of converting
into their church, or whatever it is we call it.
"Anyway, I just went with the most laid back kind of
Jews, and it turns out I didn't have to do nothing. Not even sign any papers or
put my hand on a Bible and say, 'I solemnly swear I'm a Jew.' Basically, I
asked if I could be a Jew and the Rabbi or whatever was like 'Bam! I now
pronounce you man and Jew'."
When asked if his new faith would clash with that of his
wife, Hagel replied, "I said I went with the easy Jews, remember? I don't
have to cut a hole in a sheet or anything to bang my wife. Plus I'm already
circumcised. See?"
Vice President Biden emerged from his office, waved to the
press, then feigned hitting Hagel in the nuts. "We're going to Hooters,
asswipe," Mr. Biden informed his longtime colleague. "You ready for
burgers and tits?"
"You know it!" Hagel replied. "Cheeseburgers
and beers all damn night!"
