WASHINGTON, D.C.—To the utter surprise of no one, a wacky right-wing conspiracy nut displayed his true colors this week when he stated that his greatest fear in life is a nuclear attack on New York City.
"It could totally happen at any time," the wild-eyed, disheveled, pencil-thin man said as he curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the Oval Office. "The economy? Putin? My plummeting approval rating? That's nothing compared to the hell that's going to be unleashed when—not if but when— that mushroom cloud blooms over lower Manhattan."
The man, later identified as President Barack Obama, then burst into tears.
"I just wish there was something I could do," Mr. Obama said, rocking back and forth, back and forth on ground formerly tread upon by the likes of Eisenhower, Kennedy, and Reagan. "Why is this job so hard?"
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney attempted to deflect some of the negative reports leaking out via the blogosphere and other bastions of new media.
"No," a clearly flustered Mr. Carney told the assembled press corps. "There is no imminent threat of nuclear annihilation in the metropolitan New York area. President Obama has simply had a bad go of it recently, and he accidentally let one of his personal thoughts slip from his brain to his mouth, circumventing the teleprompter altogether. It was an honest mistake."
When asked if President Obama's domestic and foreign policies—which have culminated in economic stagnation, a weakened military, and the status of "laughingstock" around the globe—might in some way increase the remote possibility of a "dirty bomb" or other rogue nuclear device being detonated in Manhattan or another American locale, Mr. Carney curled into the fetal position on the Rose Garden lawn.
"I just wish there was something I could do," Mr. Carney said, rocking back and forth, back and forth on ground formerly tread upon by the likes of Brady, Fitzwater, and Snow. "Why is this job so hard?"
