Hipsters' Taste In Arcane Triviality Driving U.S. Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—While a great portion of this nation's citizens are feeling the brunt of the current economic crisis, a certain, remarkably hairy portion of the population is actually contributing to the future success of America.

"I really don't feel like I'm doing anything," antique shop owner Miles Freese said as he wiped clean a display counter housing 1960s political campaign buttons, rusty '50s-era robot replica toys, and movie posters featuring actors who didn't bother to fight in World War II. "I've been saving all this stuff for a reason, I guess. Maybe some day a deity or better businessman will come along and explain to me exactly why."

Mr. Freese isn't alone. All over the country, small businessmen who have a penchant for panache and who vote Democrat are realizing that their dream is dead. Over. They can no longer sell trinkets for profit.

"I have to admit, it was better under Bush," said Ralf Norman, proprietor of 'Staches 'N' Stuff', a haberdashery that focuses on the needs of the modern mustachioed man. "I could offer my employees fair pay, decent hours, and adequate healthcare. Then they would spend their paycheck at the record store next door. Nancy Sinatra B-sides were a big draw."

"And mustache wax," Mr. Norman added. "You'd think the wax industry was dead, then BAM! Everywhere you look, unemployable douchebags with no sense of style are rocking the handlebar mustache." Mr. Norman wiped a tear from his eye, then continued. "Seriously, bros. Your love of stupid, trendy bullshit saved my life. Thank you. Thank you."

At press time, The Midwest Ledger can report that president Barack Obama is trying really, really hard to grow a goatee.

Syria Bombed With Replicas of Obama's Nobel Peace Prize

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Citizens of the war-torn nation of Syria were surprised today to find the remnants of their homes buried under up to a foot of golden discs of indeterminable origin.

"Praise be to Allah!" longtime Damascus resident Ali al-Hawa, 70, exclaimed as he scooped armfuls of the golden, coin-like objects into a cracked porcelain toilet bowl located in the middle of what was once a street. "We have prayed with all of our might for a way out of this shithole, and finally our prayers are answered!"

"I have to admit, I was genuinely shocked," said neighbor Mahmoud al-Gawai, 32, as he filled his pockets with the strange gifts from the sky. "When I crawled out of the rubble of my childhood home this morning for a jog, I found the land covered with these golden discs bearing the likeness of a white man and with the number '2009' inscribed upon them. Personally, I don't care where they came from. Allahu freakin' Akbar, baby! I'm rich!"

A United Nations representative designated to avoid sniper fire while giving the president of the United States an excuse to unleash further hell upon the Syrian people quickly discovered the source of the discs.

"These gold discs bear all the hallmarks of the Americans," U.N. weapons inspector Hans Vetmeter said, holding one of the six-ounce, 2.5-inch diameter objects up for the press to see. "Notice the cheap gold-plated construct, typical of a nation trying to appear more prosperous than it actually is. And the date on this thing is over four-and-a-half years old. The Obama administration is clearly living in the past.

"I mean, two years of civil war, the destruction of their cities, and the gassing of their children, and Obama waits until now to make his presence felt in Syria?" Vetmeter went on, color rising on his cheeks. "The fact that the Nobel committee would even consider awarding this prize to a previously unemployed community organizer—"

Inspector Vetmeter's words were then drowned out by the sound of a hundred American cruise missiles engulfing Damascus in flames.

'Yakety Sax' Replaces 'Hail to the Chief' as Presidential Anthem

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that surprised approximately no one, the Department of Defense today announced that the song "Hail to the Chief," which traditionally accompanies the President of the United States during his public appearances, will be replaced at least temporarily by "Yakety Sax."

"Yeah, I don't know what that is," Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel mumbled when confronted by reporters just outside the Pentagon. "Someone put some paperwork on my desk about changing some music or something, so I signed it."

When asked if he even knew that the playing of "Hail to the Chief," for some bizarre reason, falls under the jurisdiction of his department, and that he could look that arcane piece of trivia up, Mr. Hagel elaborated.

"I don't know."

"Yakety Sax," probably better known as the theme song to popular 1970s British television program "The Benny Hill Show," is an upbeat, even jaunty tune. Typically, it's played while incompetent authority figures attempt to capture terminally drunk and horny Benny Hill, who appears to expend little to no effort in evading them.

"It's pretty heavy stuff, if you think about it," said Spin magazine roving editor and 2005-to-present music historian Zander Reese. "I mean, with all the scandals and stuff going on, plus the economy, plus now the war in Syria that has to happen because Obama wanted to look tough during the election and now he's shitting himself because he actually has to back his words up.

"Need I say more?"

The descendants of Boots Randolph, the man who popularized the tune in 1963, unanimously agreed with the government's decision.

"First of all, it totally fits," said granddaughter Sandra Randolph in a statement. "Second of all, those idiots are paying us seven figures. Each."

83% of San Diego-Area Anchor Babies Traced to Single Male Donor

SAN DIEGO, CA—An American scientist's attempt to trace exactly where so-called "anchor babies" were being born nationwide recently resulted in a finding that has rocked the disciplines of anthropology and genealogy alike.

"We suspected the majority of anchor babies would be found in the southwestern United States, with a gradual migration to the north and east over time," Dr. Amanda Nelson-Velez told Anthropology Quarterly. "However, my data shows an extraordinarily high concentration in San Diego County, much higher than I had thought possible."

Even more surprising is that DNA samples from these first-generation Americans point to a single male contributor.

"Believe me, I went over the numbers a thousand times looking for errors," Dr. Nelson-Velez said. "I found none. It is simply mind-boggling to think that one solitary man could be responsible for impregnating literally millions of women in this country over the past three decades.

"And before you ask, neither Bill Clinton nor Shawn Kemp were matches."

The mother of a San Diego anchor baby spoke to The Midwest Ledger on the condition of anonymity.

"He was a white man in a position of power," the woman said through an interpreter. "No, not Bill Clinton. He was very charming in the way he constantly grabbed my breasts as I polished his desk and loudly regaled me with tales of his sexual prowess as I vacuumed his rug. Ultimately, I could not resist his advances. I am not proud of my weakness, but I very much love my son, Roberto."

"That's another thing," Dr. Nelson-Velez continued, shaking her head. "Almost every kid was named Robert or Roberta, Bobby or Bobbie. Sometimes Roberto. But always some variation on Robert."

At press time, Bob Filner was reaching for the groin region of a female police officer attempting to obtain a DNA sample from him.

American Scientists First to Isolate Snarkium in Laboratory

PASADENA, CA—A group of physicists at the California Institute of Technology has become the first in the world to document the existence of snarkium, the newest element to be added to the fabled periodic table since number 118, ununoctium, earned the honor in 2002. Although snarkium had long been predicted to exist in collegiate laboratories across the nation, the CIT team was the initial one to prove it.

"Of course we were first," project leader Kevin Wu told reporters. "Who did you think had a better chance? The Cro-Magnons at Cal Poly? The mouth-breathers at MIT?

"Yeah, right," Dr. Wu added contemptuously. "Scoreboard, bitches. Look up at it."

The head of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's renowned theoretical physics department, Dr. Martin Culver, congratulated the CIT team on its historic accomplishment.

"On behalf of MIT and the scientific community as a whole, I'd like to offer kudos to the CIT team on their discovery of the 119th element. Personally, I didn't think any of those idiots could even count to 119 unless it was the number of pounds their doctor insisted they lose to fall out of the 'morbidly obese' category on the Body Mass Index scale. Once again, please accept my heartfelt congratulations, tubtards. If you dorks ever discover an element that cures acne, halitosis, and dandruff, you might actually get laid someday."

Hans Hellwig, acting director of "Physicists' Heaven," the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland, had nothing but praise for the CIT crew as well.

"Oh mein Gott!" Dr. Hellwig said when told of the news. "A bunch of C-minus students in America 'discovered' something that has been floating around the universe for 13.8 billion years? Good for them! Sehr gut! Remind me again, where do the Americans rank in education these days among the rest of the countries? Seventeenth? Call me when someone from Finland or South Korea confirms the findings."

Scientists don't yet know how snarkium can possibly benefit humanity, but its existence has piqued the interest of college professors, internet trolls, and smirking, condescending liberals worldwide.

96% of Males Have Made Transition to Left-Handed Masturbation, Study Finds

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Just a few short decades ago, the vast majority of human males achieved autoerotic bliss strictly via vigorous manipulation of their penis with their right hand. However, the advent of the computer age has changed all that.

"Personally, I credit Douglas Engelbart for encouraging so many modern-day males to reach climax," Harvard research fellow Dr. Kaz Mizuno said. "He invented the computer mouse, and since the internet came along...Well, you know where I'm going with this."

Mr. Engelbart, who passed away earlier this year at age 88, surely had no idea that his invention would result in the most prolific evolutionary shift in Homo sapiens since the harnessing of fire around 200,000 years ago.

"Traditionally, about 90% of the human population is right-handed," Dr. Mizuno said. "So it would be natural to assume that a full 90 percent of men would spank the monkey with their right hand. And until about a quarter-century ago, that theory held true. But the 'perfect storm' created by the mouse and the internet has changed all that."

Dr. Mizuno's study found that even older men are making the seamless transition to left-handed jerking.

"You would think their age would preclude them from flogging the dolphin in front of a computer screen," Dr. Mizuno said with a laugh. "But this simply isn't the case. We found that men who happily pulled their own taffy to Marilyn Monroe's Playboy spread with their right hand in 1953 made the adjustment to polishing their banister left-handed to digital photographs of Kate Upton in 2013 with little to no problem. Of course, most of them needed help from that little blue pill."

"Yay, science!" Dr. Mizuno concluded.

NSA Buys Patch From AOL For $250 Million

FORT MEADE, MD—In a move sure to upset taxpayers already fed up with the Obama administration's intrusion into the personal lives of law-abiding citizens, the National Security Administration (NSA) today announced the purchase of failing "hyper-local" news website Patch for the princely sum of $250 million.

Patch, which had been owned by the equally relevant and profitable AOL, provides news and information to users on the small-town and even neighborhood level. AOL initially bought Patch in 2009 for $7 million.

"Obviously, Patch and the NSA are a perfect fit," NSA spokeswoman Claire Downey told a group of assembled reporters. "Patch prides itself on being tuned-in to the latest news on the street. They want to give their readers up-to-date information on such diverse subjects as road closures, restaurant grand openings, the marital status of the hot blonde who just walked into the apartment building across from you, and the social security number of the man who just drove by in his Bentley.

"Naturally, the NSA is more than capable of providing this information, and much, much, more to Patch's eager user base."

A reporter asked Ms. Downey if Patch was worth the $250 million asking price.

"Asking price?" Ms. Downey repeated, obviously unfamiliar with the phrase. "We just showed them a government-backed check for $250 million, and they leapt at the opportunity. Literally leapt. My bodyguards had to restrain several Patch employees, unfortunately. But nobody was seriously injured in the fracas."

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Editor's note: Dear NSA, The Midwest Ledger is a humble satirical blog. But you guys are really smart and stuff and already figured that out. Thanks for being cool.

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At press time, the editorial staff of The Midwest Ledger were being escorted into a trio of black Chevy Suburbans. Wish them luck.

Point Break Remake On Hold Following Obama Mask Crisis

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The filming of Point Break, a remake of the popular 1991 picture starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze, was brought to a grinding halt today as news of this weekend's Missouri State Fair incident involving a rodeo clown who mocked President Obama surfaced.

"My film crew, just like the rest of the nation, is stunned and devastated by the events that recently occurred in the heretofore unknown state of Missouri," director Ericson Core said, reading from a prepared statement. "As a gesture of respect for President Obama and his family in their time of need, all production of Point Break will cease until those responsible for this unimaginable travesty are brought to justice."

Later, Mr. Core spoke openly as to why he made the drastic decision.

"One of the highlights of my homage to the original Point Break was going to be a scene-by-scene recreation of the bank heist sequence in which the robbers disguise themselves with caricature-like masks of former presidents. I was planning to take a bit of artistic license by updating the robbers' masks with more recent presidents like Bill Clinton, Bush Junior, and Barack Obama. However, in the aftermath of the Missouri Incident, I simply can't bring myself to depict President Obama in such a negative light."

Mr. Core added that, in an odd way, the Missouri Incident was a godsend in that it "caused [him] to reevaluate his external tolerance level and usurp his inner tyrant."

When asked if he would now tone down the masks for the rest of the actors, Core replied, "Nope. I'm keeping Clinton, but Bush will be replaced by Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes, and I'm swapping Donald Rumsfeld for Freddy Krueger, and Dick Cheney for Satan himself."

The Midwest Ledger's repeated attempts to reach President Obama in Martha's Vineyard for comment were unsuccessful. 

God to Hit Reset Button on Humanity

HEAVEN—Citing over 100,000 years of disappointment in His most noteworthy creation, God today announced that He will soon be wiping out humanity and starting over from scratch.

"I'm calling it Man 2.0," God told reporters gathered in Heaven's press room, located just inside the Pearly Gates. "That sounds pretty technical and edgy, and most of you guys these days seem to like that stuff. But wait. Is 'Man 2.0' considered sexist? Jesus, you people change your minds about silly [expletive] like that so often I can't keep track."

The Creator, who appeared to be inebriated, took a long swig from a modest bronze goblet before going on.

"I had high hopes for you, I really did. You caught on to that hunting-and-gathering business like you were made for it. Fire and the wheel? Amazing. And when you figured out agriculture and farming? I'm not even gonna lie. I was so proud of you, I cried."

The Alpha and Omega took a moment to compose Himself before producing an iPad from the depths of His robes and sharing a slideshow of His favorite accomplishments with the press.

"Here're some humans building houses and schools and roads and aqueducts and bridges back in the day," God said, swiping through a series of photos depicting Assyrians, Egyptians, and Romans at the height of their advancement. "You were so young, so promising, but you let it all go down the toilet. Which was another great invention, by the way."

YHWH then downed the rest of his drink and unleashed a belch that sounded not unlike thunder before continuing.

"Slavery," He said. "War. Torture. Rape. Murder. The fact that none of you have the slightest idea what to do when you arrive at a [expletive] four-way stop. Justin Bieber. Liberals. The Miami Heat. Casey Anthony. Anthony Weiner. These are just a few of the reasons why I'm going to clear the slate and have another go at this whole Creation thing. I was a little cocky when I was younger, and thought I knew everything about making a species in my own image. I obviously didn't. So, in a way, it's like we're all starting over together."

The Father added that His date for the destruction of the world wasn't yet set in stone.

"I'm thinking sometime around November first. Baseball will be over, it's about to get cold, and I've always seen Christmas as a commercially-fueled insult to everything I believe in. So, yeah. I wouldn't make any concrete plans beyond Halloween if I were you."

Obama's Kickstarter Campaign Raises $527 in First Week

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what President Barack Obama called a "somewhat disappointing" showing, his Kickstarter campaign to eliminate the nation's nearly $17 trillion debt raised just over $500 in its first week of existence.

"Let me be clear," the president told The Midwest Ledger via email. "Although this pet project of mine, cleverly titled 'America Needs a Zero,' is off to a bit of a slow start, I can assure the American people that I am steadfastly dedicated to guilting each and every one of them into making a generous contribution. Therefore, I see nothing but unbridled success in the future for my endeavor."

Kickstarter.com, launched in April, 2009, is intended to be a "crowd-funding" website where financially-strapped artists, filmmakers, and entrepreneurs can ask for donations from the general public to fund their dreams.

Kickstarter co-founder Perry Chen admitted he was taken aback by the president's attempt to return the national debt to zero solely through his company.

"We've had a few highly-popular ideas that gained a cult following and ended up doing quite well," he said. "In fact, several people have collected in excess of a million dollars through our site. But $17 trillion? I've always been an optimist, but I think that's out of the realm of possibility.

"The president isn't very good with numbers, is he?" Mr. Chen continued. "Also, I can see how the name 'America Needs a Zero' could be taken the wrong way by potential contributors. But who am I to question him? He's the leader of the free world for a reason, right?"

At press time, President Obama was drafting an executive order which would require each of the nation's 315 million citizens to contribute $53,968.25 to his Kickstarter fund.

Sacramento May Change Name to 'Sanctuary City'

SACRAMENTO, CA—In a 53-25 vote that went purely along party lines, the California State Assembly today passed a bill that would change the name of the state capital from Sacramento to Sanctuary City.

"For a long time now, many of my fellow Democrats in the Assembly have been torn by the name 'Sacramento'," said Assembly Speaker John Perez. "Of course, we love the diversity factor of Sacramento's etymological origins. However, it is upsetting to us that the capital of the most socially progressive state in the nation has extremely religious connotations."

Sacramento, for the uninitiated, is the Spanish word for sacrament.

Lieutenant Governor and State Senate President Gavin Newsom hinted that the bill has a good chance of being passed by members of California's upper house.

"Frankly, it's all but a done deal," Newsom told reporters outside his office. "Democrats have a 27 to 11 majority in the State Senate, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the bill will pass 27 to 11. That's just the way things work in California these days.

"But, as usual, California is leading the way in scrubbing the offensive parts of human history from the books in order to create a new, more perfect union. The word Sacramento is very exclusive, and it offends many people who don't subscribe to religiosity. Sanctuary City is a much more apt name. It reflects the way the vast majority of Californians feel today, as well as the way the rest of the country will feel when it finally catches up with us," Newsom explained. "The word 'sanctuary,' as we all know, exudes inclusion and positivity."

At press time, the mayors of Las Cruces, New Mexico and Providence, Rhode Island were considering name changes as well.

A-Rod Enters NYC Mayoral Race

NEW YORK, NY—Citing the fact that he'll have "plenty of free time on [his] hands over the next year and a half or so," embattled Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez announced this afternoon that he has joined the lengthy list of candidates seeking to become the next mayor of New York City.

"I just feel that the current mayoral candidates aren't trustworthy enough to lead this city," Mr. Rodriguez said at a press conference in the Yankee Stadium parking lot. "I mean, you've got a delusional pervert in Weiner who thinks he actually has a shot at this thing, plus a handful of no-names. So I think I'm in pretty good shape right off the bat."

Rodriguez went on to claim that the only person he'd ever "sexted" with was himself.

"Anthony Weiner must be living in a fantasy world of his own creation," the fifth-leading homerun hitter in major league history noted, smiling and shaking his head. "To be accused once of doing the wrong thing, then to claim you're reformed, then to go right back to doing what ruined your good name in the first place? That's just nuts. The guy seriously needs professional help."

Rodriguez plans to run as a Libertarian, using his extremely liberal views on drug possession and consumption as the main platform of his campaign.

"Our city's prisons and Suspended Lists are full of innocent victims of the so-called 'War on Drugs,'" Rodriguez said. "But the people who suffer the most from these Draconian laws are the addicts. And the baseball fans who miss watching their favorite players hit 50 or 60 or 70 or more homers every year."

At press time, The Midwest Ledger can confirm that Rodriguez has retained the services of Jim Messina, the campaign manager who led Barack Obama to a second victory in the 2012 presidential race.

World's Oldest Teenager Turns Twenty

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Can you imagine growing up in a world where a gallon of gas costs just $1.11, a postage stamp sets you back a mere 29 cents, and a Super Bowl advertisement can be had for an infinitesimal $850,000? How about a world where cellular telephones have external antennas and a bunch of spunky Canadians are the World Champions of America's Pastime?

Sounds like some demented version of reality cultivated by a hopelessly fevered mind, doesn't it?

But it isn't. It's 1993.

"Yeah, I was born in 1993," said Sydney Anderson, 19, as she breastfed her six-month-old son, Jared. "But I ain't even old. I'm still just as hot as any 17-year-old bitch I see up in the club."

Ms. Anderson, who turns twenty just a few short minutes from now, is old enough to remember such long-ago occurrences as the Lewinsky-Clinton affair and the tragedy of September 11, 2001.

"I remember the president nutted on some chick's dress," Ms. Anderson recalled. "It was on the news like every [expletive] night. Then with that 9/11 thing, some Arabs blew up some buildings in L.A. or something. Our teacher was all crying about it and stuff."

As the timer ticked down on the twilight of her teens, Ms. Anderson yelled at her three-year-old daughter, Pink, to put down her iPad and join her at the dining room table.

"Grandma's gonna give me stuff now!" Ms. Anderson explained at approximately 150 decibels. "So sit down and shut up. And here. Hold your brother. Mama needs a beer."

While Ms. Anderson scrounged in the deepest recesses of her refrigerator for another can of Natural Light, the clock struck 2:14am, the precise moment her mother brought her into this world twenty years ago.

"Damn it, Mama!" Sydney Anderson said. "I told you all I wanted for my birthday was a case of damn beer! Can't you do nothin' right?"

As of press time, Sydney's mother was wondering the same thing. Also, approximately 350,000 potential teenagers were born today.