Joseph Hazelwood Named Obamacare Navigator of the Month

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a lavish ceremony at Georgetown University this afternoon, former Exxon Valdez captain Joseph Hazelwood was named Obamacare Navigator of the Month for October 2013.

"Let me be clear," President Barack Obama said in a prerecorded video played for those attending the festivities. "I can't think of a better person to represent the initial rollout of the healthcare plan that bears my name than Joseph Hazelwood. Congratulations, sir."

Mr. Hazelwood is best known for drunkenly piloting the ill-fated Exxon Valdez supertanker, which ran aground in Prince William Sound, Alaska in 1989 and spilled millions of gallons of oil, killing countless innocent living creatures and poisoning the water and land for miles around.

"First of all," a clearly inebriated Mr. Hazelwood said as he accepted his award, "I want to thank President Obama for the opportunity he gave me. At first, I was a little pissed to be demoted from captain to navigator. But then I considered the fact that nobody else has trusted me to scrape barnacles off rowboats, let alone navigate anything, for the past 24 years. And I won't let you down Mr. President," Mr. Hazelwood said, holding his brandy snifter high in the air. "It'll be nothing but smooth sailing ahead."

Mr. Hazelwood then vomited into the orchestra pit before falling off the stage and shattering his pelvis. Unfortunately, he has been unable to log onto the Obamacare website, and will be forced to pay for medical treatment out of his own pocket.

New iPunch App Spells Trouble For Douchebags

CUPERTINO, CA—In yet another instance of giving the public exactly what it wants, Apple today announced the availability of the controversial "iPunch" application for its ubiquitous mobile devices.

"The iPunch app is at the forefront of interactive technology," gushed Apple spokeswoman Candace Fowler. "It gives our customers the ability to walk the streets of any city with the same confidence reserved for VIPs and dignitaries who have the luxury of an at-the-ready team of bodyguards."

Downloadable at iTunes for 99 cents, the iPunch app allows users to contact local persons to come to their aid if confronted by a mugger, a gang of thugs, or even just a garden-variety douchebag.

"Sadly, the adage that when seconds count, the police are minutes away holds true in most large cities," Ms. Fowler said. "That's where iPunch comes in. With just a few swipes of your fingertip, you can have an army of ultra-violent, meth-addled miscreants at your beck and call. Or imagine the look on the face of the guy who cuts you off in traffic when he gets his jaw broken by a recently-released convict. Classic."

Ms. Fowler predicted that iPunch would prove most popular among single women, bullied students, and people with a low tolerance level for assholes.

At press time, Jonathan Martin was signing up for iPunch's Zombie Package and sending a dozen bath salt addicts to Richie Incognito's home.

Porn Industry to Regulate Use of Word 'Star'

CHATSWORTH, CA—In a move designed to eliminate confusion among both its performers and its audience, the multibillion-dollar porn industry today announced its intention to regulate the use of the word "star" when describing the men and women who have sex with each other in front of a camera for money.

"Like, a lot of people are in porn, but honestly, not every single one of them is a star," newcomer Flo Rivers, 19, said. "Of course, I would like to be called a porn star someday, but at the same time I have a lot of respect for the tradition of the industry. So I'll let the fans decide whether or not my performances make me worthy of 'stardom'."

Veteran performer Dick Dragz agreed with Ms. Rivers' assessment of the situation.

"Yeah, ever since this 'reality porn' crap came out, every drunken skank and every limp-dicked college kid with a cell phone and a domain name thinks they're a porn star," Mr. Dragz said, rolling his eyes. "It's [expletive] embarrassing. Then you throw the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian into the mix, which really blurs the line between stardom and just plain whorishness."

Although industry insiders have yet to agree upon a rating system that accurately identifies who is or isn't a porn star, fans of the smut genre have taken to Twitter and other online outlets to voice their opinions.

"a slut aint a star till she does a tp at least a dp," slickhandDan69 wrote via Twitter. After taking a few moments to reevaluate his stance, Mr. slickhand added, "10 guy bukkake is ok to."

The porn industry released a statement saying it is taking the opinion of each of its fans into account.

Obautocare Bill Passes Senate

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a vote split purely upon party lines, President Barack Obama's follow-up to Obamacare today sailed through the Senate on its way to the House next week.

"Call it whatever you want," a flustered-looking John Boehner said during a smoke break on the Capitol steps. "S.R. 3247, the AWARD [A Warrantied America Rewards Drivers] Act, Obautocare. By any name, it's just another nail in the coffin of this nation's economy."

Despite the rocky launch of Obamacare earlier this month, President Obama insisted upon pushing Obautocare legislation through Congress as soon as possible.

"Let me be clear," the president said, sporting grease-stained overalls and wielding a large crescent wrench. "Other than housing and healthcare, vehicle maintenance takes the biggest chunk out of the average working American's paycheck."

Mr. Obama took a moment to explain the concepts of "working" and "paycheck" to his audience before continuing.

"Therefore, to ease the pain of the middle class, and to ensure they have the means to travel to work and pay tribute, er, put food on their families' tables, I've proposed a law that would make all those fears of sputtering engines and rattling undercarriages a thing of the past.

"For a nominal fee," the president said, "I'll ensure that your vehicle, no matter its age or condition, will be taken care of in its time of need. Of course, you can keep your current mechanic, and I guarantee the cost of his services will drop by at least fifty percent."

When asked what he thought about the legality of Obautocare, Chief Justice John Roberts said, "Oh, I think we'll work something out."

Suspicious Package Prompts Evacuation of Portland Mall

PORTLAND, OR—The Southside Mall, a sprawling center of commerce near downtown Portland, was evacuated this afternoon following the discovery of a suspicious package.

"I saw it just sitting there, and I was all like, what?" Tyler Johnson, 17, said just outside the perimeter set up by the Portland Police Department. "I mean, who just leaves a backpack out in front of Forever 21 like that? Someone could like totally steal it and stuff."

PPD spokeswoman Alice Chandler said the backpack aroused the suspicion of shoppers because of its clean and "obviously new" appearance.

"Typically," Mrs. Chandler said, "backpacks dropped in the Portland metro area are covered in filth. Dirt, mud, sweat stains. And, typically, they're surrounded in an almost tangible cloud of body odor and stale weed. But this backpack didn't fit the profile, hence the evacuation. For the safety of the public."

When the backpack was unzipped by a brave member of the PPD bomb squad, its mystery only deepened.

"An examination of its contents just put us into full-on crisis mode," Mrs. Chandler said. "The backpack contained nothing but neatly folded articles of clothing, some foodstuffs, and a few bottles of water. No drugs, no crude weapons, no handmade panhandling signs. Obviously, this is not what you expect to find in an abandoned backpack in Portland, so you can understand the precautions we took."

The backpack was eventually destroyed by the bomb squad for safety reasons, leveling the Forever 21 store and causing approximately $300,000 in damage to neighboring shops.

Obamacare Website Redirects To Malia's MySpace Page

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what the White House today termed "a step in the right direction," the terminally flawed Obamacare website now consists solely of a link to the MySpace page of President Barack Obama's eldest daughter, Malia.

"Let me be clear," the president said via a Skype interview repeatedly interrupted by digital tiling and audio cut-outs. "I'm slightly less indifferent toward the perceived failed launch of Obamacare than I am about any of the other failed aspects of my presidency. I feel the Obamacare website should be more user-friendly for the tech-savvy, 2013 crowd. Therefore, I have made the decision to put the Obamacare site in the hands of a company with an eye toward the future: MySpace."

When the giggles and snickers of the under-thirty members of the press corps subsided, Mr. Obama continued.

"My beloved daughter, Malia, first worked hand-in-hand with MySpace in 2005. Together, they built a website capable of displaying her favorite foods and movies, a selection of songs she enjoyed at the time, pictures of her loved ones, and even something called a 'web log,' or 'blog' in which she could record her most intimate hopes and dreams. Clearly, MySpace is at the forefront of information technology, and that is why I have given them a blank check to fix the perceived 'glitches' in the Obamacare site."

While everyone under the age of forty burst into laughter, President Obama's Skype connection dropped out for good.

At press time, The Midwest Ledger can confirm that the team overseeing the MySpace transition includes President Obama's high school debate coach, his college pot dealer, and George Soros.

Dog Riding in Car Looks Terrified

LA JOLLA, CA—According to reports, a dog sitting in the front passenger seat of a Volkswagen Jetta on Interstate 15 appears to be on the verge of suffering a heart attack.

"I mean, it's hard to tell for sure," witness Amber Castro, 20, said when describing the plight of the pooch. "It was one of those little tiny rat-dogs that are always shivering and stuff. So I'm not sure if it was in mortal fear for its life, or if it was just being normal."

"I'm in the same boat," said Dylan Trumbo, 19, Ms. Castro's on-again, off-again beau. "The rat-dog's eyes were all bugging out and I swear I could see clumps of hair just falling out of it and floating onto the freeway, but I can't be a hundred-percent sure."

Ms. Castro added that the passenger-side window of the Jetta appeared to be half-open, but she couldn't say for sure if the dog was jumping toward the gap to get some fresh air or to splatter its itty-bitty body all over the carpool lane.

"It's really hard to say. I mean, the girl driving the car looked like a bitch, but that's just me. She looked all stuck up, plus she was like smoking a cigarette, trying to eat french fries, and texting all at the same time. If you ask me, the dog was probably better off jumping out the damn window."

At press time, the dog in question was dining on the ear of the Jetta's driver, who was ejected through the windshield after failing to slow down in time for one of Interstate 15's world-renown random traffic jams.

Retrofitting Flagpoles for Permanent Half-Staff Accounts for 33% of 3Q Growth

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After crowing about its policies' role in the nation's recent, albeit anemic, economic growth, the Obama administration was forced to stop patting itself on the back today when the driving force behind the third quarter's "new normal" of sub-3% growth was revealed.

"Yes, it's true," a clearly-perturbed Jay Carney told the White House press corps. "After taking a while to crunch the numbers, it has come to our attention that a large chunk of last quarter's growth can be indirectly attributed to the current administration's continued incompetence."

In fact, fully one-third of the upward-revised 2.5% of 2013's third-quarter Gross National Product (GDP) growth came from a tiny segment of the manufacturing and labor sectors, and was driven mainly by an increase in demand for smaller pulleys and shorter ropes for flagpoles.

"Basically, this country's been at half-staff for about five years now," Ron Kiplinger, general manager of RK Rope and Pulley intimated. "It's just been one tragedy after another. One boondoggle after another. One 'It Would Be Funny If It Happened To A Different Country' incident after another.

"Sure, it's great for business. But in the long run, it's a nightmare for the country I love."

Mr. Kiplinger's company, as the name implies, provides a variety of rope-and-pulley systems for flagpoles of all heights. His factory floor has been a scene of controlled chaos since January, 2009, when the demand for having flags that actually go all the way to the top of the pole plummeted.

"My workforce tripled after I added a labor crew to the payroll," Mr. Kiplinger said. "We've retrofitted literally millions of flagpoles over the past four-and-a-half years. Unfortunately, the accounting guys tell me business is going to go into the toilet beginning in 2016. So we're making hay while we can, so to speak."

When asked for his opinion on this breaking economic news, Vice President Joe Biden noted that "he was at half-staff right now," and that he "[has] your rope and pulley right here."

Obama Crowned Miss America 2014

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—President Barack Obama added to his growing list of undeserved awards Sunday night when he was crowned Miss America for 2014, an accomplishment some pageant traditionalists feel tarnishes the image of the nearly century-old beauty (and brains) contest.

"The Miss America Pageant prides itself on being progressive and inclusive," former Miss New Jersey and long-time pageant spokeswoman Eileen Scavaldi told reporters, "but allowing a wealthy, married, fifty-something to win really stretches the boundaries of what Miss America is all about.

"Also," Miss Scavaldi elaborated, "the guy's a dude."

Professional pageant judge Lance Bruceman disagreed with most of Scavaldi's assessment.

"Overall, he was fabulous! Simply fabulous!" Mr. Bruceman exclaimed. "I had to dock him a few points for some fit and manscaping issues related to the swimwear portion of the contest, but he more than made up for those shortcomings during the question and answer segment. I can't remember specifically what impressed me about his answers, or even what he said, but I do know he looked f-i-n-e fine saying it!"

Mr. Bruceman also praised the president for his "strength, dignity, and valor" in participating in a contest normally reserved for college coeds of debatable intelligence, and for how "yummy" he looked in his bright red Vera Wang evening gown.

"Frankly," Mr. Bruceman went on, "Mr. Obama dominated every facet of the pageant. Those other girls didn't stand a chance against his poise, bearing, and elegance. He even showed us his feminine side when [Miss America 2013] Mallory [Hagen] put the crown on his head and he bawled like a little girl."

When asked what, in his opinion, put Mr. Obama over the top, Mr. Bruceman responded, "Definitely the talent segment. I've seen a million ventriloquist acts, but I've never seen someone enunciate so clearly and convincingly. And to think he did it all without the use of a dummy!

"Mr. Obama obviously has a God-given talent for talking out of his ass."

Obama Commemorates September 11th

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a solemn, little-reported speech this afternoon, President Barack Obama took time out from a busy day to address a small group gathered in the shadow of the Washington Monument.

"Let me be clear," the president said at a podium just feet from the Reflecting Pool. "I'm standing here with you today because September 11th is indeed a day for reflecting. Every single American has been touched by this particular calendar date, myself included."

After pausing a moment for polite applause, Mr. Obama continued.

"Take September 11, 1961, for instance. I was a mere five weeks old and not yet empowered with the motor skills that would allow me to impart my charismatic brand of genius upon the simple denizens of this then-backward nation. The country would have to wait nearly fifty years for my leadership. Truly tragic."

While the gape-mouthed crowd stared at him in disbelief, Mr. Obama went on.

"And who could forget September 11, 1966? It was my first day of school, and Billy Kalamea, fully twice my size, pushed me to the asphalt on the playground and stole my lunch. A catastrophe for myself, the state of Hawaii, and America as a whole."

President Obama mentioned a dozen other horrific incidents that occurred on September 11th, including in 1982, when his trusted dealer shorted him on a dime-bag, 1994, when he was involved in a fender-bender with an uninsured motorist, and 2001, when he and Michelle engaged in a heated argument over the quality of her broccoli casserole.

"She wouldn't talk to me for a week," Mr. Obama added, chuckling and checking his hair in the Reflecting Pool. "It was a difficult time for all, yet we pulled together and managed to get through it."

 
At press time, President Obama was on the phone in the Oval Office wishing President Bashar al-Assad of Syria a happy 48th birthday.

Violence Erupts During Obama's Syria Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Police departments in several U.S. cities reported outbreaks of violence last night during President Barack Obama's nationally-televised speech supporting a military strike against Bashar al-Assad's oppressive Syrian regime.

"What the hell is this?" Jenny Samuels, 21, shouted in her dorm room at Georgetown University as President Obama stepped to the podium. "Didn't we go through this exact same crap like ten years ago with that other president guy?"

"Yeah!" agreed roommate Kelly Chen, also 21. "Last time, they only pre-empted 'Friends,' so it was no big deal. But to think Obama has the nerve to interrupt the live finale of 'So You Think You Can Dance?'

"The whole situation just makes me want to rip all the hair out of my head!" Chen added before unleashing an animalistic shriek of rage and smashing the television remote against the wall.

College students weren't the only ones angered by Mr. Obama's decision to deliver a live, 15-minute speech during prime-time. Stockbrokers Gary Thompson and Ed Stern were sitting at a bar in Manhattan awaiting the start of "American Ninja Warrior" when NBC cut in to present the speech.

"You have to be [expletive] kidding me!" Thompson lamented as the president stated his case for increased American involvement in the always-volatile Middle East. "I worked hard all day gambling with other people's money. All I want to do is sit back with a drink and watch my favorite TV show. Is that too much to ask?

"That bastard's lucky he's in his last term," Mr. Stern chimed in. "There's no way I'd vote for him a third time."

 
Ten minutes later, incensed by President Obama's refusal to stop "yammering away about stuff no one cares about," Stern hurled his martini glass across the room then punched a fellow bar patron in the face several times, triggering a brawl that resulted in six arrests and four hospitalizations.

State of Idaho Commits Suicide Following Boise State Loss

BOISE, ID—In a shocking development that has stunned much of the American northwest, the entire state of Idaho committed suicide en masse following the Boise State University football team's 38-6 loss to the University of Washington late Saturday night.

"Yeah, I knew something was wrong when I heard what sounded like a thunderclap right around 10pm," Clarkston, Washington resident Neil Watkins recounted when told that approximately 1.6 million of his neighbors were dead from self-inflicted gunshot wounds. "It was a beautiful night, not a cloud in the sky. But then right at ten o'clock. Boom!"

Other residents of Clarkston, which lies just across the border from Lewiston, Idaho, shared similar stories.

"Yup," said Margaret Welch, 77. "I was watchin' the game, just like everyone else. It was close in the first half, then BSU's defense went all to Hades, which we've come to expect. But as the game clock ticked on and on, it became pretty clear the offense wasn't going to bail them out the way they have the last seven years or so. Then, bang!"

Although BSU, a perennial Mountain West Conference powerhouse, was only ranked 19th in both the NCAA preseason AP and USA Today coaches' polls, Idahoans were confident the Broncos had a legitimate shot at the BCS championship.

"Sure, they're a big fish in a microscopic pond," Boise resident Todd Fields said during a cigarette break at his business meeting in Spokane. "They beat the crap out their conference, stomp on a few non-conference creampuffs, then skate to a top-five ranking and finagle their way into a meaningful bowl game. That's the way it's always been.

"At least, that's the way it used to be," Fields added, gazing wistfully at a dangerously-congested highway just 100 feet away from him.

At press time, the NCAA had issued Early-Season Suicide Watches (ESSWs) for the Athens, Georgia, and Lincoln, Nebraska regions.

Hipsters' Taste In Arcane Triviality Driving U.S. Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—While a great portion of this nation's citizens are feeling the brunt of the current economic crisis, a certain, remarkably hairy portion of the population is actually contributing to the future success of America.

"I really don't feel like I'm doing anything," antique shop owner Miles Freese said as he wiped clean a display counter housing 1960s political campaign buttons, rusty '50s-era robot replica toys, and movie posters featuring actors who didn't bother to fight in World War II. "I've been saving all this stuff for a reason, I guess. Maybe some day a deity or better businessman will come along and explain to me exactly why."

Mr. Freese isn't alone. All over the country, small businessmen who have a penchant for panache and who vote Democrat are realizing that their dream is dead. Over. They can no longer sell trinkets for profit.

"I have to admit, it was better under Bush," said Ralf Norman, proprietor of 'Staches 'N' Stuff', a haberdashery that focuses on the needs of the modern mustachioed man. "I could offer my employees fair pay, decent hours, and adequate healthcare. Then they would spend their paycheck at the record store next door. Nancy Sinatra B-sides were a big draw."

"And mustache wax," Mr. Norman added. "You'd think the wax industry was dead, then BAM! Everywhere you look, unemployable douchebags with no sense of style are rocking the handlebar mustache." Mr. Norman wiped a tear from his eye, then continued. "Seriously, bros. Your love of stupid, trendy bullshit saved my life. Thank you. Thank you."

At press time, The Midwest Ledger can report that president Barack Obama is trying really, really hard to grow a goatee.

Syria Bombed With Replicas of Obama's Nobel Peace Prize

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Citizens of the war-torn nation of Syria were surprised today to find the remnants of their homes buried under up to a foot of golden discs of indeterminable origin.

"Praise be to Allah!" longtime Damascus resident Ali al-Hawa, 70, exclaimed as he scooped armfuls of the golden, coin-like objects into a cracked porcelain toilet bowl located in the middle of what was once a street. "We have prayed with all of our might for a way out of this shithole, and finally our prayers are answered!"

"I have to admit, I was genuinely shocked," said neighbor Mahmoud al-Gawai, 32, as he filled his pockets with the strange gifts from the sky. "When I crawled out of the rubble of my childhood home this morning for a jog, I found the land covered with these golden discs bearing the likeness of a white man and with the number '2009' inscribed upon them. Personally, I don't care where they came from. Allahu freakin' Akbar, baby! I'm rich!"

A United Nations representative designated to avoid sniper fire while giving the president of the United States an excuse to unleash further hell upon the Syrian people quickly discovered the source of the discs.

"These gold discs bear all the hallmarks of the Americans," U.N. weapons inspector Hans Vetmeter said, holding one of the six-ounce, 2.5-inch diameter objects up for the press to see. "Notice the cheap gold-plated construct, typical of a nation trying to appear more prosperous than it actually is. And the date on this thing is over four-and-a-half years old. The Obama administration is clearly living in the past.

"I mean, two years of civil war, the destruction of their cities, and the gassing of their children, and Obama waits until now to make his presence felt in Syria?" Vetmeter went on, color rising on his cheeks. "The fact that the Nobel committee would even consider awarding this prize to a previously unemployed community organizer—"

Inspector Vetmeter's words were then drowned out by the sound of a hundred American cruise missiles engulfing Damascus in flames.

'Yakety Sax' Replaces 'Hail to the Chief' as Presidential Anthem

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that surprised approximately no one, the Department of Defense today announced that the song "Hail to the Chief," which traditionally accompanies the President of the United States during his public appearances, will be replaced at least temporarily by "Yakety Sax."

"Yeah, I don't know what that is," Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel mumbled when confronted by reporters just outside the Pentagon. "Someone put some paperwork on my desk about changing some music or something, so I signed it."

When asked if he even knew that the playing of "Hail to the Chief," for some bizarre reason, falls under the jurisdiction of his department, and that he could look that arcane piece of trivia up, Mr. Hagel elaborated.

"I don't know."

"Yakety Sax," probably better known as the theme song to popular 1970s British television program "The Benny Hill Show," is an upbeat, even jaunty tune. Typically, it's played while incompetent authority figures attempt to capture terminally drunk and horny Benny Hill, who appears to expend little to no effort in evading them.

"It's pretty heavy stuff, if you think about it," said Spin magazine roving editor and 2005-to-present music historian Zander Reese. "I mean, with all the scandals and stuff going on, plus the economy, plus now the war in Syria that has to happen because Obama wanted to look tough during the election and now he's shitting himself because he actually has to back his words up.

"Need I say more?"

The descendants of Boots Randolph, the man who popularized the tune in 1963, unanimously agreed with the government's decision.

"First of all, it totally fits," said granddaughter Sandra Randolph in a statement. "Second of all, those idiots are paying us seven figures. Each."

83% of San Diego-Area Anchor Babies Traced to Single Male Donor

SAN DIEGO, CA—An American scientist's attempt to trace exactly where so-called "anchor babies" were being born nationwide recently resulted in a finding that has rocked the disciplines of anthropology and genealogy alike.

"We suspected the majority of anchor babies would be found in the southwestern United States, with a gradual migration to the north and east over time," Dr. Amanda Nelson-Velez told Anthropology Quarterly. "However, my data shows an extraordinarily high concentration in San Diego County, much higher than I had thought possible."

Even more surprising is that DNA samples from these first-generation Americans point to a single male contributor.

"Believe me, I went over the numbers a thousand times looking for errors," Dr. Nelson-Velez said. "I found none. It is simply mind-boggling to think that one solitary man could be responsible for impregnating literally millions of women in this country over the past three decades.

"And before you ask, neither Bill Clinton nor Shawn Kemp were matches."

The mother of a San Diego anchor baby spoke to The Midwest Ledger on the condition of anonymity.

"He was a white man in a position of power," the woman said through an interpreter. "No, not Bill Clinton. He was very charming in the way he constantly grabbed my breasts as I polished his desk and loudly regaled me with tales of his sexual prowess as I vacuumed his rug. Ultimately, I could not resist his advances. I am not proud of my weakness, but I very much love my son, Roberto."

"That's another thing," Dr. Nelson-Velez continued, shaking her head. "Almost every kid was named Robert or Roberta, Bobby or Bobbie. Sometimes Roberto. But always some variation on Robert."

At press time, Bob Filner was reaching for the groin region of a female police officer attempting to obtain a DNA sample from him.

American Scientists First to Isolate Snarkium in Laboratory

PASADENA, CA—A group of physicists at the California Institute of Technology has become the first in the world to document the existence of snarkium, the newest element to be added to the fabled periodic table since number 118, ununoctium, earned the honor in 2002. Although snarkium had long been predicted to exist in collegiate laboratories across the nation, the CIT team was the initial one to prove it.

"Of course we were first," project leader Kevin Wu told reporters. "Who did you think had a better chance? The Cro-Magnons at Cal Poly? The mouth-breathers at MIT?

"Yeah, right," Dr. Wu added contemptuously. "Scoreboard, bitches. Look up at it."

The head of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's renowned theoretical physics department, Dr. Martin Culver, congratulated the CIT team on its historic accomplishment.

"On behalf of MIT and the scientific community as a whole, I'd like to offer kudos to the CIT team on their discovery of the 119th element. Personally, I didn't think any of those idiots could even count to 119 unless it was the number of pounds their doctor insisted they lose to fall out of the 'morbidly obese' category on the Body Mass Index scale. Once again, please accept my heartfelt congratulations, tubtards. If you dorks ever discover an element that cures acne, halitosis, and dandruff, you might actually get laid someday."

Hans Hellwig, acting director of "Physicists' Heaven," the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland, had nothing but praise for the CIT crew as well.

"Oh mein Gott!" Dr. Hellwig said when told of the news. "A bunch of C-minus students in America 'discovered' something that has been floating around the universe for 13.8 billion years? Good for them! Sehr gut! Remind me again, where do the Americans rank in education these days among the rest of the countries? Seventeenth? Call me when someone from Finland or South Korea confirms the findings."

Scientists don't yet know how snarkium can possibly benefit humanity, but its existence has piqued the interest of college professors, internet trolls, and smirking, condescending liberals worldwide.

96% of Males Have Made Transition to Left-Handed Masturbation, Study Finds

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Just a few short decades ago, the vast majority of human males achieved autoerotic bliss strictly via vigorous manipulation of their penis with their right hand. However, the advent of the computer age has changed all that.

"Personally, I credit Douglas Engelbart for encouraging so many modern-day males to reach climax," Harvard research fellow Dr. Kaz Mizuno said. "He invented the computer mouse, and since the internet came along...Well, you know where I'm going with this."

Mr. Engelbart, who passed away earlier this year at age 88, surely had no idea that his invention would result in the most prolific evolutionary shift in Homo sapiens since the harnessing of fire around 200,000 years ago.

"Traditionally, about 90% of the human population is right-handed," Dr. Mizuno said. "So it would be natural to assume that a full 90 percent of men would spank the monkey with their right hand. And until about a quarter-century ago, that theory held true. But the 'perfect storm' created by the mouse and the internet has changed all that."

Dr. Mizuno's study found that even older men are making the seamless transition to left-handed jerking.

"You would think their age would preclude them from flogging the dolphin in front of a computer screen," Dr. Mizuno said with a laugh. "But this simply isn't the case. We found that men who happily pulled their own taffy to Marilyn Monroe's Playboy spread with their right hand in 1953 made the adjustment to polishing their banister left-handed to digital photographs of Kate Upton in 2013 with little to no problem. Of course, most of them needed help from that little blue pill."

"Yay, science!" Dr. Mizuno concluded.

NSA Buys Patch From AOL For $250 Million

FORT MEADE, MD—In a move sure to upset taxpayers already fed up with the Obama administration's intrusion into the personal lives of law-abiding citizens, the National Security Administration (NSA) today announced the purchase of failing "hyper-local" news website Patch for the princely sum of $250 million.

Patch, which had been owned by the equally relevant and profitable AOL, provides news and information to users on the small-town and even neighborhood level. AOL initially bought Patch in 2009 for $7 million.

"Obviously, Patch and the NSA are a perfect fit," NSA spokeswoman Claire Downey told a group of assembled reporters. "Patch prides itself on being tuned-in to the latest news on the street. They want to give their readers up-to-date information on such diverse subjects as road closures, restaurant grand openings, the marital status of the hot blonde who just walked into the apartment building across from you, and the social security number of the man who just drove by in his Bentley.

"Naturally, the NSA is more than capable of providing this information, and much, much, more to Patch's eager user base."

A reporter asked Ms. Downey if Patch was worth the $250 million asking price.

"Asking price?" Ms. Downey repeated, obviously unfamiliar with the phrase. "We just showed them a government-backed check for $250 million, and they leapt at the opportunity. Literally leapt. My bodyguards had to restrain several Patch employees, unfortunately. But nobody was seriously injured in the fracas."

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Editor's note: Dear NSA, The Midwest Ledger is a humble satirical blog. But you guys are really smart and stuff and already figured that out. Thanks for being cool.

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At press time, the editorial staff of The Midwest Ledger were being escorted into a trio of black Chevy Suburbans. Wish them luck.

Point Break Remake On Hold Following Obama Mask Crisis

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The filming of Point Break, a remake of the popular 1991 picture starring Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze, was brought to a grinding halt today as news of this weekend's Missouri State Fair incident involving a rodeo clown who mocked President Obama surfaced.

"My film crew, just like the rest of the nation, is stunned and devastated by the events that recently occurred in the heretofore unknown state of Missouri," director Ericson Core said, reading from a prepared statement. "As a gesture of respect for President Obama and his family in their time of need, all production of Point Break will cease until those responsible for this unimaginable travesty are brought to justice."

Later, Mr. Core spoke openly as to why he made the drastic decision.

"One of the highlights of my homage to the original Point Break was going to be a scene-by-scene recreation of the bank heist sequence in which the robbers disguise themselves with caricature-like masks of former presidents. I was planning to take a bit of artistic license by updating the robbers' masks with more recent presidents like Bill Clinton, Bush Junior, and Barack Obama. However, in the aftermath of the Missouri Incident, I simply can't bring myself to depict President Obama in such a negative light."

Mr. Core added that, in an odd way, the Missouri Incident was a godsend in that it "caused [him] to reevaluate his external tolerance level and usurp his inner tyrant."

When asked if he would now tone down the masks for the rest of the actors, Core replied, "Nope. I'm keeping Clinton, but Bush will be replaced by Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes, and I'm swapping Donald Rumsfeld for Freddy Krueger, and Dick Cheney for Satan himself."

The Midwest Ledger's repeated attempts to reach President Obama in Martha's Vineyard for comment were unsuccessful. 

God to Hit Reset Button on Humanity

HEAVEN—Citing over 100,000 years of disappointment in His most noteworthy creation, God today announced that He will soon be wiping out humanity and starting over from scratch.

"I'm calling it Man 2.0," God told reporters gathered in Heaven's press room, located just inside the Pearly Gates. "That sounds pretty technical and edgy, and most of you guys these days seem to like that stuff. But wait. Is 'Man 2.0' considered sexist? Jesus, you people change your minds about silly [expletive] like that so often I can't keep track."

The Creator, who appeared to be inebriated, took a long swig from a modest bronze goblet before going on.

"I had high hopes for you, I really did. You caught on to that hunting-and-gathering business like you were made for it. Fire and the wheel? Amazing. And when you figured out agriculture and farming? I'm not even gonna lie. I was so proud of you, I cried."

The Alpha and Omega took a moment to compose Himself before producing an iPad from the depths of His robes and sharing a slideshow of His favorite accomplishments with the press.

"Here're some humans building houses and schools and roads and aqueducts and bridges back in the day," God said, swiping through a series of photos depicting Assyrians, Egyptians, and Romans at the height of their advancement. "You were so young, so promising, but you let it all go down the toilet. Which was another great invention, by the way."

YHWH then downed the rest of his drink and unleashed a belch that sounded not unlike thunder before continuing.

"Slavery," He said. "War. Torture. Rape. Murder. The fact that none of you have the slightest idea what to do when you arrive at a [expletive] four-way stop. Justin Bieber. Liberals. The Miami Heat. Casey Anthony. Anthony Weiner. These are just a few of the reasons why I'm going to clear the slate and have another go at this whole Creation thing. I was a little cocky when I was younger, and thought I knew everything about making a species in my own image. I obviously didn't. So, in a way, it's like we're all starting over together."

The Father added that His date for the destruction of the world wasn't yet set in stone.

"I'm thinking sometime around November first. Baseball will be over, it's about to get cold, and I've always seen Christmas as a commercially-fueled insult to everything I believe in. So, yeah. I wouldn't make any concrete plans beyond Halloween if I were you."

Obama's Kickstarter Campaign Raises $527 in First Week

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what President Barack Obama called a "somewhat disappointing" showing, his Kickstarter campaign to eliminate the nation's nearly $17 trillion debt raised just over $500 in its first week of existence.

"Let me be clear," the president told The Midwest Ledger via email. "Although this pet project of mine, cleverly titled 'America Needs a Zero,' is off to a bit of a slow start, I can assure the American people that I am steadfastly dedicated to guilting each and every one of them into making a generous contribution. Therefore, I see nothing but unbridled success in the future for my endeavor."

Kickstarter.com, launched in April, 2009, is intended to be a "crowd-funding" website where financially-strapped artists, filmmakers, and entrepreneurs can ask for donations from the general public to fund their dreams.

Kickstarter co-founder Perry Chen admitted he was taken aback by the president's attempt to return the national debt to zero solely through his company.

"We've had a few highly-popular ideas that gained a cult following and ended up doing quite well," he said. "In fact, several people have collected in excess of a million dollars through our site. But $17 trillion? I've always been an optimist, but I think that's out of the realm of possibility.

"The president isn't very good with numbers, is he?" Mr. Chen continued. "Also, I can see how the name 'America Needs a Zero' could be taken the wrong way by potential contributors. But who am I to question him? He's the leader of the free world for a reason, right?"

At press time, President Obama was drafting an executive order which would require each of the nation's 315 million citizens to contribute $53,968.25 to his Kickstarter fund.

Sacramento May Change Name to 'Sanctuary City'

SACRAMENTO, CA—In a 53-25 vote that went purely along party lines, the California State Assembly today passed a bill that would change the name of the state capital from Sacramento to Sanctuary City.

"For a long time now, many of my fellow Democrats in the Assembly have been torn by the name 'Sacramento'," said Assembly Speaker John Perez. "Of course, we love the diversity factor of Sacramento's etymological origins. However, it is upsetting to us that the capital of the most socially progressive state in the nation has extremely religious connotations."

Sacramento, for the uninitiated, is the Spanish word for sacrament.

Lieutenant Governor and State Senate President Gavin Newsom hinted that the bill has a good chance of being passed by members of California's upper house.

"Frankly, it's all but a done deal," Newsom told reporters outside his office. "Democrats have a 27 to 11 majority in the State Senate, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the bill will pass 27 to 11. That's just the way things work in California these days.

"But, as usual, California is leading the way in scrubbing the offensive parts of human history from the books in order to create a new, more perfect union. The word Sacramento is very exclusive, and it offends many people who don't subscribe to religiosity. Sanctuary City is a much more apt name. It reflects the way the vast majority of Californians feel today, as well as the way the rest of the country will feel when it finally catches up with us," Newsom explained. "The word 'sanctuary,' as we all know, exudes inclusion and positivity."

At press time, the mayors of Las Cruces, New Mexico and Providence, Rhode Island were considering name changes as well.

A-Rod Enters NYC Mayoral Race

NEW YORK, NY—Citing the fact that he'll have "plenty of free time on [his] hands over the next year and a half or so," embattled Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez announced this afternoon that he has joined the lengthy list of candidates seeking to become the next mayor of New York City.

"I just feel that the current mayoral candidates aren't trustworthy enough to lead this city," Mr. Rodriguez said at a press conference in the Yankee Stadium parking lot. "I mean, you've got a delusional pervert in Weiner who thinks he actually has a shot at this thing, plus a handful of no-names. So I think I'm in pretty good shape right off the bat."

Rodriguez went on to claim that the only person he'd ever "sexted" with was himself.

"Anthony Weiner must be living in a fantasy world of his own creation," the fifth-leading homerun hitter in major league history noted, smiling and shaking his head. "To be accused once of doing the wrong thing, then to claim you're reformed, then to go right back to doing what ruined your good name in the first place? That's just nuts. The guy seriously needs professional help."

Rodriguez plans to run as a Libertarian, using his extremely liberal views on drug possession and consumption as the main platform of his campaign.

"Our city's prisons and Suspended Lists are full of innocent victims of the so-called 'War on Drugs,'" Rodriguez said. "But the people who suffer the most from these Draconian laws are the addicts. And the baseball fans who miss watching their favorite players hit 50 or 60 or 70 or more homers every year."

At press time, The Midwest Ledger can confirm that Rodriguez has retained the services of Jim Messina, the campaign manager who led Barack Obama to a second victory in the 2012 presidential race.

World's Oldest Teenager Turns Twenty

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Can you imagine growing up in a world where a gallon of gas costs just $1.11, a postage stamp sets you back a mere 29 cents, and a Super Bowl advertisement can be had for an infinitesimal $850,000? How about a world where cellular telephones have external antennas and a bunch of spunky Canadians are the World Champions of America's Pastime?

Sounds like some demented version of reality cultivated by a hopelessly fevered mind, doesn't it?

But it isn't. It's 1993.

"Yeah, I was born in 1993," said Sydney Anderson, 19, as she breastfed her six-month-old son, Jared. "But I ain't even old. I'm still just as hot as any 17-year-old bitch I see up in the club."

Ms. Anderson, who turns twenty just a few short minutes from now, is old enough to remember such long-ago occurrences as the Lewinsky-Clinton affair and the tragedy of September 11, 2001.

"I remember the president nutted on some chick's dress," Ms. Anderson recalled. "It was on the news like every [expletive] night. Then with that 9/11 thing, some Arabs blew up some buildings in L.A. or something. Our teacher was all crying about it and stuff."

As the timer ticked down on the twilight of her teens, Ms. Anderson yelled at her three-year-old daughter, Pink, to put down her iPad and join her at the dining room table.

"Grandma's gonna give me stuff now!" Ms. Anderson explained at approximately 150 decibels. "So sit down and shut up. And here. Hold your brother. Mama needs a beer."

While Ms. Anderson scrounged in the deepest recesses of her refrigerator for another can of Natural Light, the clock struck 2:14am, the precise moment her mother brought her into this world twenty years ago.

"Damn it, Mama!" Sydney Anderson said. "I told you all I wanted for my birthday was a case of damn beer! Can't you do nothin' right?"

As of press time, Sydney's mother was wondering the same thing. Also, approximately 350,000 potential teenagers were born today.

Del Taco Introduces Gummy Burritos

LAKE FOREST, CA—In what the Southern California-based fast-food chain says is a response to consumer demand for a more extensive menu, Del Taco today announced the addition of Gummy Burritos to its list of mouth-watering Mexican cuisine.

"Obviously," Del Taco CEO Paul Murphy said in a statement, "the decision to expand our menu to include the 'extreme' taste experience our valued customers crave was driven in part by the success of Taco Bell's Doritos taco shell line. And no, we didn't totally rip them off."

Gummy Burritos are offered in two distinct flavors—Gummy Chicken, made from specially-crafted chicken-shaped gummies, and Gummy Carne Asada, made from cow-shaped gummies. The respective gummies are then shredded, topped with generous helpings of shredded lettuce, shredded cheese, shredded tomatoes, shredded onions, and non-shredded sour cream. The ingredients are then wrapped in a fresh flour or corn tortilla and bathed in the chain's signature hot sauce.

"Dude, this is so good!" said local stoner Jacob Enzo as he bit into a Gummy Carne Asada Burrito he received at one of Del Taco's convenient drive-thrus. "You can totally taste the gummy. This is soooo good."

"Totally, brah," agreed fellow pothead and vehicle passenger Tyler Schneider. "The gummy is so good, you can hardly taste the sour cream or the tortilla. It's like they offset each other or something. It's so juicy and fruity and gummy."

"Dude," Schneider added. "So extreme."

"Extreme to the max," said Enzo.

Based on the Gummy Burritos' initial success, Del Taco insiders were hinting at plans for Gummy Nachos, Gummy Chili Gummy Fries, and, for "those health-conscious wussies," a Gummy Salad topped with a gluten-free Gummy Dressing.