WASHINGTON, D.C.—Following weeks of public finger-pointing
among Republicans and Democrats regarding who came up with the idea to initiate
$85 billion in indiscriminate spending cuts should a budget agreement not be
reached by March 1st, President Barack Obama revealed today that the
sequestration was suggested to him by his longtime imaginary friend,
Garzinkelpork.
"Let me be clear," the president said in the Rose
Garden, his left arm propped up as if resting on the shoulders of another
person of roughly the same height. "Garzinkelpork has been with me through
thick and thin for nearly five decades now. When this kindly old man of Gypsy
and Armenian descent—who has the power to summon extinct animals, as well as to
communicate telepathically with far-off aliens—speaks, you better believe I
listen."
When asked by the press corps if Garzinkelpork would make
the final decision as to whether or not the sequestration would take place,
Obama huddled with the figment of his imagination for a moment before simply
saying, "As always, I'll take Garzinkelpork's advice into account."
As the White House press corps clamored for more details,
Mr. Obama feigned taking the hand of his invisible, nonexistent friend, then
skipped away from the podium.
"Mr. President!" a young reporter shouted above
the din. "Don't you think making important decisions like this so
arbitrarily is dangerous for the country?"
