Grown-Ass Man Doing Weird Arm Wave Thing Out Truck Window

Phoenix, AZ—According to sources, a man who appears to be gainfully employed and of at least average intelligence is doing that weird arm wave thing out the passenger-side window of a Clark's Landscaping truck.

"I've seen that from little kids," said stunned local resident Rose Demeter. "A little boy or girl may stick their hand out the window of a moving automobile and just enjoy the feel of the wind on the palm of their tiny hand. But a grown-ass man? That's just [expletive] unacceptable.

"I mean, at that point, the kid's father tells them to put their [expletive] hand back in the [expletive] car before another vehicle comes along and rips their [expletive] arm out of its [expletive] socket. What the hell is that guy's problem?"

"Hey," added neighbor Bill Guerrero. "I seen dogs do that thing where they stick their head out the window. Looks like they're having the time of their life, right? I seen that thing where the teenage girl in the passenger seat sticks her foot out the window with her sandal hanging off the end of her toes. I still don't know how she keeps the sandal from flying off onto the interstate. Whatever.

"What I don't get," Guerrero said, "is a grown-ass man doing that [expletive] annoying arm wave thing out a car. No. Not even a car. His freaking work truck. This isn't the '80s and you're not break dancing or popping and locking. Grow the hell up, bro."

At press time, Guerrero was preparing to shoot bottle rockets out of his 1997 Accord at random joggers in celebration of Independence Day.

Obama Invites Aaron Hernandez To White House

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Ignoring the vociferous objections of prosecuting attorney Bill McCauley, President Barack Obama late this evening issued an executive order freeing embattled New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez from custody.

"Let me be clear," Obama said at a hastily-assembled press conference in the artificially-lighted Rose Garden. "Although Mr. Hernandez has been accused of some very, very serious crimes, I felt it only fair and just that the young man be brought here to plead his case."

A hush fell over the press corps as Hernandez, accused in the brutal murder of an acquaintance, slowly stepped to the podium. Hernandez cleared his throat, appeared to wipe a tear from his eye, then said, "I—"

"Isn't Aaron the greatest?" President Obama interjected, applauding enthusiastically and nudging Hernandez from the podium. "To be honest, I thought I was done. The IRS thing. The Benghazi thing. The AP thing. The 'Fast and Furious' thing. Seriously, guys. I know I have you all wrapped around my finger," Obama said grinning at the stunned reporters, "but then some of you Naughty Nellies started doing that journalism thing.

"Phew!" the president elaborated, wiping his brow. "That was a close one. But thankfully, Mr. Hernandez was brave enough to step forward and take the spotlight from me, at least temporarily."

Mr. Obama paused long enough to observe the stirring fly-by of five armed drone aircraft before adding, "On a side note, I'd like to thank the Supreme Court as well. Their dedication to the whole gay thing helped, too.

"No homo."

Obama Declares Monopoly Money Legal Tender

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move designed to increase cash flow in a sluggish economy, President Barack Obama today proclaimed that the previously fake, unusable bills included with the popular board game Monopoly are now legal for use in all fifty states.

"Let me be clear," President Obama said in front of the press corps. "I came up with this idea a while back when I heard that the good people at Hasbro had decided to replace their 'iron' game piece with a 'cat' game piece. Personally, I would have chosen a larger, more athletic dog. They're so tasty, er, loyal.

"In any event, as I continue to try and grow the economy by hook or by crook, I've decided that allowing people to use Monopoly money is a simple, effective way to induce consumers to spend more, thereby stimulating the economy. Many Americans already own Monopoly games, be they the original edition or one of the countless spinoffs. It's a simple matter of opening your closet, dusting off the box, and helping yourself to thousands of dollars worth of tiny, colorful bills."

When asked if just dumping paper money into the system would lead to an increase in inflation, Obama didn't seem too concerned.

"I'll see what happens, then evaluate the consequences of my actions somewhere down the road," the president said with a smile. "So far, as per usual, everyone tells me it's a great idea. And if it works out, I'll legalize the use of the money from the game of Life. Imagine how fair things will be when everyone has a fistful of $100,000 bills!"

Milwaukee Sausage Racers Suspended Indefinitely

MILWAUKEE, WI—In a stunning event that comes on the heels of the Biogenesis scandal rocking Major League Baseball, the Milwaukee Brewers today announced that the participants of their popular mascot "Sausage Race" have been suspended indefinitely following allegations that all five racers tested positive for porcine growth hormone.

"It's certainly disappointing," said fan favorite Hot Dog. "You'd think they'd give us a chance to explain ourselves before just pulling the plug like that."

"I'm no dummy," added Polish Sausage, an edge to his voice. "I'm getting a lawyer and I'm fighting this."

Italian Sausage, however, seemed resigned to the fact that he wouldn't set foot in Miller Park for the rest of the year. "It'sa losta cause. You might as well slice-a me up and put-a me on your pizza pie."

"Bull-sheisse," said a clearly inebriated Bratwurst. "Vee must vait dem out! Dey vill crumble like the valls of Varsaw wery soon!"

Removing himself from the fray, one sausage racer stood his ground admirably.

"I had nothing to do with this," Chorizo said through an interpreter. "My fellow sausages and I are merely the victims of an insidious witch hunt. Though lax laws make performance-enhancing drugs readily available south of the border, I assure you I am innocent. I will surely be exonerated."

At press time, Ryan Braun was seen packing a suitcase before boarding a flight to Belize.

Sebelius Wins Kevorkian Award For Bedside Manner

WASHINGTON, D.C.— In the closest vote in the history of the award, Health and Human Services secretary Kathleen Sebelius won the annual Jacob "Jack" Kevorkian Award for Bedside Manner, narrowly beating out Dr. Kermit Gosnell.

"If you take the overall numbers into account," said Fran Benson, chairwoman of the awards committee, "Dr. Gosnell wins in a landslide. However, many voters focused on the specific case of the 10-year-old girl in Pennsylvania suffering from cystic fibrosis. You know, the one doctors gave three-to-five weeks to live?

"Mrs. Sebelius could have saved that girl's life with the mere stroke of a pen. But she didn't. That's why, in my view at least, she won the Kevorkie.

"And she did it on TV," Ms. Benson went on. "I mean, it takes an especially heinous brand of evil to verbally sign a little girl's death warrant in front of a ton of cameras. You know it's going to go viral. But Sebelius clearly didn't give a [expletive].

"Seriously," Ms. Benson elaborated. "I'm surprised that unholy composite of Lizzie Borden and Eileen Wuornos didn't ride her broom to the hospital and put a pillow over that precious angel's face herself."

At press time, Dr. Gosnell's lawyers were filing a court order demanding a recount of the vote.

Yasiel Puig Spontaneously Combusts in MLB Debut

LOS ANGELES, CA—The seemingly never-ending injury bug plaguing the Los Angeles Dodgers this season reached an unprecedented low last night when highly-touted rookie outfielder Yasiel Puig spontaneously combusted in the batter's box at Chavez Ravine during the fourth inning of last night's game against the San Diego Padres.

"To tell you the truth, it caught me a little off guard," admitted Padres left-hander and former Dodgers farmhand Eric Stults. "He slapped a single to left-center his first time up, so I planned on jamming him inside with fastballs the next time around. But then he suddenly burst into flames and collapsed into a burning heap right there at home plate. That changed my whole approach to the at-bat."

Dodgers manager Don Mattingly had a different take on Puig's career-ending injury.

"I wasn't surprised," Mattingly told reporters after the game, which the Dodgers managed to win 2-1. "After witnessing the injuries to Billingsley, Greinke, Ramirez twice, both Ellises, Crawford, Kemp, and now Capuano, nothing shocks me. I, like most Dodgers fans these days, am numb to it all.

"For [expletive]'s sake!" Mattingly added. "We came to spring training with eight legitimate starting pitchers! Now Magill and Fife are in the rotation!

"Magill and Fife!" a clearly distressed Mattingly elaborated before being led away by pitching coach Rick Honeycutt.

The Dodgers front office issued a press release this morning announcing plans to hold a "Yasiel Puig Memorial Bobblehead Night" sometime in mid-September.