Right-Wing Nutjob Fears Nuke in Manhattan

WASHINGTON, D.C.—To the utter surprise of no one, a wacky right-wing conspiracy nut displayed his true colors this week when he stated that his greatest fear in life is a nuclear attack on New York City.

"It could totally happen at any time," the wild-eyed, disheveled, pencil-thin man said as he curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the Oval Office. "The economy? Putin? My plummeting approval rating? That's nothing compared to the hell that's going to be unleashed when—not if but when— that mushroom cloud blooms over lower Manhattan."

The man, later identified as President Barack Obama, then burst into tears.

"I just wish there was something I could do," Mr. Obama said, rocking back and forth, back and forth on ground formerly tread upon by the likes of Eisenhower, Kennedy, and Reagan. "Why is this job so hard?"

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney attempted to deflect some of the negative reports leaking out via the blogosphere and other bastions of new media.

"No," a clearly flustered Mr. Carney told the assembled press corps. "There is no imminent threat of nuclear annihilation in the metropolitan New York area. President Obama has simply had a bad go of it recently, and he accidentally let one of his personal thoughts slip from his brain to his mouth, circumventing the teleprompter altogether. It was an honest mistake."

When asked if President Obama's domestic and foreign policies—which have culminated in economic stagnation, a weakened military, and the status of "laughingstock" around the globe—might in some way increase the remote possibility of a "dirty bomb" or other rogue nuclear device being detonated in Manhattan or another American locale, Mr. Carney curled into the fetal position on the Rose Garden lawn.

"I just wish there was something I could do," Mr. Carney said, rocking back and forth, back and forth on ground formerly tread upon by the likes of Brady, Fitzwater, and Snow. "Why is this job so hard?" 

Joseph Hazelwood Named Obamacare Navigator of the Month

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a lavish ceremony at Georgetown University this afternoon, former Exxon Valdez captain Joseph Hazelwood was named Obamacare Navigator of the Month for October 2013.

"Let me be clear," President Barack Obama said in a prerecorded video played for those attending the festivities. "I can't think of a better person to represent the initial rollout of the healthcare plan that bears my name than Joseph Hazelwood. Congratulations, sir."

Mr. Hazelwood is best known for drunkenly piloting the ill-fated Exxon Valdez supertanker, which ran aground in Prince William Sound, Alaska in 1989 and spilled millions of gallons of oil, killing countless innocent living creatures and poisoning the water and land for miles around.

"First of all," a clearly inebriated Mr. Hazelwood said as he accepted his award, "I want to thank President Obama for the opportunity he gave me. At first, I was a little pissed to be demoted from captain to navigator. But then I considered the fact that nobody else has trusted me to scrape barnacles off rowboats, let alone navigate anything, for the past 24 years. And I won't let you down Mr. President," Mr. Hazelwood said, holding his brandy snifter high in the air. "It'll be nothing but smooth sailing ahead."

Mr. Hazelwood then vomited into the orchestra pit before falling off the stage and shattering his pelvis. Unfortunately, he has been unable to log onto the Obamacare website, and will be forced to pay for medical treatment out of his own pocket.

New iPunch App Spells Trouble For Douchebags

CUPERTINO, CA—In yet another instance of giving the public exactly what it wants, Apple today announced the availability of the controversial "iPunch" application for its ubiquitous mobile devices.

"The iPunch app is at the forefront of interactive technology," gushed Apple spokeswoman Candace Fowler. "It gives our customers the ability to walk the streets of any city with the same confidence reserved for VIPs and dignitaries who have the luxury of an at-the-ready team of bodyguards."

Downloadable at iTunes for 99 cents, the iPunch app allows users to contact local persons to come to their aid if confronted by a mugger, a gang of thugs, or even just a garden-variety douchebag.

"Sadly, the adage that when seconds count, the police are minutes away holds true in most large cities," Ms. Fowler said. "That's where iPunch comes in. With just a few swipes of your fingertip, you can have an army of ultra-violent, meth-addled miscreants at your beck and call. Or imagine the look on the face of the guy who cuts you off in traffic when he gets his jaw broken by a recently-released convict. Classic."

Ms. Fowler predicted that iPunch would prove most popular among single women, bullied students, and people with a low tolerance level for assholes.

At press time, Jonathan Martin was signing up for iPunch's Zombie Package and sending a dozen bath salt addicts to Richie Incognito's home.

Porn Industry to Regulate Use of Word 'Star'

CHATSWORTH, CA—In a move designed to eliminate confusion among both its performers and its audience, the multibillion-dollar porn industry today announced its intention to regulate the use of the word "star" when describing the men and women who have sex with each other in front of a camera for money.

"Like, a lot of people are in porn, but honestly, not every single one of them is a star," newcomer Flo Rivers, 19, said. "Of course, I would like to be called a porn star someday, but at the same time I have a lot of respect for the tradition of the industry. So I'll let the fans decide whether or not my performances make me worthy of 'stardom'."

Veteran performer Dick Dragz agreed with Ms. Rivers' assessment of the situation.

"Yeah, ever since this 'reality porn' crap came out, every drunken skank and every limp-dicked college kid with a cell phone and a domain name thinks they're a porn star," Mr. Dragz said, rolling his eyes. "It's [expletive] embarrassing. Then you throw the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian into the mix, which really blurs the line between stardom and just plain whorishness."

Although industry insiders have yet to agree upon a rating system that accurately identifies who is or isn't a porn star, fans of the smut genre have taken to Twitter and other online outlets to voice their opinions.

"a slut aint a star till she does a tp at least a dp," slickhandDan69 wrote via Twitter. After taking a few moments to reevaluate his stance, Mr. slickhand added, "10 guy bukkake is ok to."

The porn industry released a statement saying it is taking the opinion of each of its fans into account.

Obautocare Bill Passes Senate

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a vote split purely upon party lines, President Barack Obama's follow-up to Obamacare today sailed through the Senate on its way to the House next week.

"Call it whatever you want," a flustered-looking John Boehner said during a smoke break on the Capitol steps. "S.R. 3247, the AWARD [A Warrantied America Rewards Drivers] Act, Obautocare. By any name, it's just another nail in the coffin of this nation's economy."

Despite the rocky launch of Obamacare earlier this month, President Obama insisted upon pushing Obautocare legislation through Congress as soon as possible.

"Let me be clear," the president said, sporting grease-stained overalls and wielding a large crescent wrench. "Other than housing and healthcare, vehicle maintenance takes the biggest chunk out of the average working American's paycheck."

Mr. Obama took a moment to explain the concepts of "working" and "paycheck" to his audience before continuing.

"Therefore, to ease the pain of the middle class, and to ensure they have the means to travel to work and pay tribute, er, put food on their families' tables, I've proposed a law that would make all those fears of sputtering engines and rattling undercarriages a thing of the past.

"For a nominal fee," the president said, "I'll ensure that your vehicle, no matter its age or condition, will be taken care of in its time of need. Of course, you can keep your current mechanic, and I guarantee the cost of his services will drop by at least fifty percent."

When asked what he thought about the legality of Obautocare, Chief Justice John Roberts said, "Oh, I think we'll work something out."

Suspicious Package Prompts Evacuation of Portland Mall

PORTLAND, OR—The Southside Mall, a sprawling center of commerce near downtown Portland, was evacuated this afternoon following the discovery of a suspicious package.

"I saw it just sitting there, and I was all like, what?" Tyler Johnson, 17, said just outside the perimeter set up by the Portland Police Department. "I mean, who just leaves a backpack out in front of Forever 21 like that? Someone could like totally steal it and stuff."

PPD spokeswoman Alice Chandler said the backpack aroused the suspicion of shoppers because of its clean and "obviously new" appearance.

"Typically," Mrs. Chandler said, "backpacks dropped in the Portland metro area are covered in filth. Dirt, mud, sweat stains. And, typically, they're surrounded in an almost tangible cloud of body odor and stale weed. But this backpack didn't fit the profile, hence the evacuation. For the safety of the public."

When the backpack was unzipped by a brave member of the PPD bomb squad, its mystery only deepened.

"An examination of its contents just put us into full-on crisis mode," Mrs. Chandler said. "The backpack contained nothing but neatly folded articles of clothing, some foodstuffs, and a few bottles of water. No drugs, no crude weapons, no handmade panhandling signs. Obviously, this is not what you expect to find in an abandoned backpack in Portland, so you can understand the precautions we took."

The backpack was eventually destroyed by the bomb squad for safety reasons, leveling the Forever 21 store and causing approximately $300,000 in damage to neighboring shops.

Obamacare Website Redirects To Malia's MySpace Page

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what the White House today termed "a step in the right direction," the terminally flawed Obamacare website now consists solely of a link to the MySpace page of President Barack Obama's eldest daughter, Malia.

"Let me be clear," the president said via a Skype interview repeatedly interrupted by digital tiling and audio cut-outs. "I'm slightly less indifferent toward the perceived failed launch of Obamacare than I am about any of the other failed aspects of my presidency. I feel the Obamacare website should be more user-friendly for the tech-savvy, 2013 crowd. Therefore, I have made the decision to put the Obamacare site in the hands of a company with an eye toward the future: MySpace."

When the giggles and snickers of the under-thirty members of the press corps subsided, Mr. Obama continued.

"My beloved daughter, Malia, first worked hand-in-hand with MySpace in 2005. Together, they built a website capable of displaying her favorite foods and movies, a selection of songs she enjoyed at the time, pictures of her loved ones, and even something called a 'web log,' or 'blog' in which she could record her most intimate hopes and dreams. Clearly, MySpace is at the forefront of information technology, and that is why I have given them a blank check to fix the perceived 'glitches' in the Obamacare site."

While everyone under the age of forty burst into laughter, President Obama's Skype connection dropped out for good.

At press time, The Midwest Ledger can confirm that the team overseeing the MySpace transition includes President Obama's high school debate coach, his college pot dealer, and George Soros.