WASHINGTON, D.C.—While
a great portion of this nation's citizens are feeling the brunt of the current
economic crisis, a certain, remarkably hairy portion of the population is
actually contributing to the future success of America.
"I really don't feel like I'm doing anything,"
antique shop owner Miles Freese said as he wiped clean a display counter
housing 1960s political campaign buttons, rusty '50s-era robot replica toys,
and movie posters featuring actors who didn't bother to fight in World War II.
"I've been saving all this stuff for a reason, I guess. Maybe some day a
deity or better businessman will come along and explain to me exactly why."
Mr. Freese isn't alone. All over the country, small
businessmen who have a penchant for panache and who vote Democrat are realizing
that their dream is dead. Over. They can no longer sell trinkets for profit.
"I have to admit, it was better under Bush," said
Ralf Norman, proprietor of 'Staches 'N' Stuff', a haberdashery that focuses on
the needs of the modern mustachioed man. "I could offer my employees fair
pay, decent hours, and adequate healthcare. Then they would spend their
paycheck at the record store next door. Nancy Sinatra B-sides were a big
draw."
"And mustache wax," Mr. Norman added. "You'd
think the wax industry was dead, then BAM! Everywhere you look, unemployable
douchebags with no sense of style are rocking the handlebar mustache."
Mr. Norman wiped a tear from his eye, then continued. "Seriously, bros.
Your love of stupid, trendy bullshit saved my life. Thank you. Thank you."
