FORT MEADE,
MD—In a move sure to upset
taxpayers already fed up with the Obama administration's intrusion into the
personal lives of law-abiding citizens, the National Security Administration
(NSA) today announced the purchase of failing "hyper-local" news website
Patch for the princely sum of $250 million.
Patch, which had been owned by the equally relevant and
profitable AOL, provides news and information to users on the small-town and
even neighborhood level. AOL initially bought Patch in 2009 for $7 million.
"Obviously, Patch and the NSA are a perfect fit,"
NSA spokeswoman Claire Downey told a group of assembled reporters. "Patch
prides itself on being tuned-in to the latest news on the street. They want to give
their readers up-to-date information on such diverse subjects as road closures,
restaurant grand openings, the marital status of the hot blonde who just walked
into the apartment building across from you, and the social security number of
the man who just drove by in his Bentley.
"Naturally, the NSA is more than capable of providing
this information, and much, much, more to Patch's eager user base."
A reporter asked Ms. Downey if Patch was worth the $250
million asking price.
"Asking price?" Ms. Downey repeated, obviously
unfamiliar with the phrase. "We just showed them a government-backed check
for $250 million, and they leapt at the opportunity. Literally leapt. My
bodyguards had to restrain several Patch employees, unfortunately. But nobody
was seriously injured in the fracas."
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Editor's note: Dear
NSA, The Midwest Ledger is a humble
satirical blog. But you guys are really smart and stuff and already figured
that out. Thanks for being cool.
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