HEAVEN—Citing over 100,000 years of disappointment in His
most noteworthy creation, God today announced that He will soon be wiping out
humanity and starting over from scratch.
"I'm calling it Man 2.0," God told reporters
gathered in Heaven's press room, located just inside the Pearly Gates.
"That sounds pretty technical and edgy, and most of you guys these days
seem to like that stuff. But wait. Is 'Man 2.0' considered sexist? Jesus, you
people change your minds about silly [expletive] like that so often I can't
keep track."
The Creator, who appeared to be inebriated, took a long swig
from a modest bronze goblet before going on.
"I had high hopes for you, I really did. You caught on
to that hunting-and-gathering business like you were made for it. Fire and the
wheel? Amazing. And when you figured out agriculture and farming? I'm not even
gonna lie. I was so proud of you, I cried."
The Alpha and Omega took a moment to compose Himself before
producing an iPad from the depths of His robes and sharing a slideshow of His
favorite accomplishments with the press.
"Here're some humans building houses and schools and
roads and aqueducts and bridges back in the day," God said, swiping
through a series of photos depicting Assyrians, Egyptians, and Romans at the
height of their advancement. "You were so young, so promising, but you let it
all go down the toilet. Which was another great invention, by the way."
YHWH then downed the rest of his drink and unleashed a belch
that sounded not unlike thunder before continuing.
"Slavery," He said. "War. Torture. Rape.
Murder. The fact that none of you have the slightest idea what to do when you
arrive at a [expletive] four-way stop. Justin Bieber. Liberals. The Miami Heat. Casey Anthony.
Anthony Weiner. These are just a few of the reasons why I'm going to clear the
slate and have another go at this whole Creation thing. I was a little cocky
when I was younger, and thought I knew everything about making a species in my
own image. I obviously didn't. So, in a way, it's like we're all starting over
together."
The Father added that His date for the destruction of the
world wasn't yet set in stone.
