NEW YORK, NY—Citing the fact that he'll have "plenty of
free time on [his] hands over the next year and a half or so," embattled
Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez announced this afternoon that he has
joined the lengthy list of candidates seeking to become the next mayor of New
York City.
"I just feel that the current mayoral candidates aren't
trustworthy enough to lead this city," Mr. Rodriguez said at a press
conference in the Yankee Stadium parking lot. "I mean, you've got a
delusional pervert in Weiner who thinks he actually has a shot at this thing,
plus a handful of no-names. So I think I'm in pretty good shape right off the
bat."
Rodriguez went on to claim that the only person he'd ever
"sexted" with was himself.
"Anthony Weiner must be living in a fantasy world of
his own creation," the fifth-leading homerun hitter in major league
history noted, smiling and shaking his head. "To be accused once of doing the wrong thing, then to
claim you're reformed, then to go right back to doing what ruined your good
name in the first place? That's just nuts. The guy seriously needs professional
help."
Rodriguez plans to run as a Libertarian, using his extremely
liberal views on drug possession and consumption as the main platform of his
campaign.
"Our city's prisons and Suspended Lists are full of
innocent victims of the so-called 'War on Drugs,'" Rodriguez said.
"But the people who suffer the most from these Draconian laws are the
addicts. And the baseball fans who miss watching their favorite players hit 50
or 60 or 70 or more homers every year."
