WASHINGTON, D.C.—After crowing about its policies' role in
the nation's recent, albeit anemic, economic growth, the Obama administration
was forced to stop patting itself on the back today when the driving force
behind the third quarter's "new normal" of sub-3% growth was revealed.
"Yes, it's true," a clearly-perturbed Jay Carney
told the White House press corps. "After taking a while to crunch the
numbers, it has come to our attention that a large chunk of last quarter's
growth can be indirectly attributed to the current administration's continued
incompetence."
In fact, fully one-third of the upward-revised 2.5% of
2013's third-quarter Gross National Product (GDP) growth came from a tiny
segment of the manufacturing and labor sectors, and was driven mainly by an
increase in demand for smaller pulleys and shorter ropes for flagpoles.
"Basically, this country's been at half-staff for about
five years now," Ron Kiplinger, general manager of RK Rope and Pulley
intimated. "It's just been one tragedy after another. One boondoggle after
another. One 'It Would Be Funny If It Happened To A Different Country' incident
after another.
"Sure, it's great for business. But in the long run,
it's a nightmare for the country I love."
Mr. Kiplinger's company, as the name implies, provides a
variety of rope-and-pulley systems for flagpoles of all heights. His factory
floor has been a scene of controlled chaos since January, 2009, when the demand
for having flags that actually go all the way to the top of the pole plummeted.
"My workforce tripled after I added a labor crew to the
payroll," Mr. Kiplinger said. "We've retrofitted literally millions
of flagpoles over the past four-and-a-half years. Unfortunately, the accounting
guys tell me business is going to go into the toilet beginning in 2016. So
we're making hay while we can, so to speak."
