LINCOLN, NE—What
started out as a simple group project in a University of Nebraska political science classroom ended in bloodshed
today when one of the group's participants became enraged with the lack of
effort displayed by his colleagues.
"Lazy douchebag," said freshman Joseph Mott, 18,
as he clenched and unclenched his swollen right hand. "He's lucky I only
hit him once."
The trouble began two weeks ago when Mott was placed in a
group assigned to put together a ten-minute presentation on the history of
capital punishment. Very quickly, Mott realized that he would end up doing a
great deal more than his fair share of the work.
"I knew Brandon [Roberts] was an idiot," Mott
said, "based on questions he'd asked in class before. 'Why were they
called Whigs? Was it because of those white things they wore on their heads?'
Moronic stuff like that. The two girls assigned to our group were pretty quiet,
so it took me a minute of brainstorming with them to realize that they, too,
were retards."
As he'd known he'd have to do the second the words
"group project" escaped his professor's mouth, Mott took the lead,
conducting the bulk of the research and attempting to follow up with the others
on their respective parts of the assignment.
"It was pointless," Mott said, recalling his
efforts to contact his fellow group members. "The only semblance of a
response I got was when one of the girls texted "im so durnk" to me at
two in the morning."
Needless to say, their presentation was less than stellar.
"We got a B-minus, so it wasn't the end of the
world," Mott admitted. "But the point is that I'm in college now and
I thought my days of doing 95% of the work to get an A or 25% of the work to
get a C- were behind me. I guess it never ends, does it?"
"When my knuckles heal," Mott added, "I'm
going to track down the sadist who invented group projects."
