WASHINGTON,
D.C.—In response to the somewhat negative
reaction he received after granting himself the power to kill American citizens
whenever he damn well pleases, President Barack Obama today reversed course and
announced such decisions would now be determined by the flip of a coin.
"Let me be clear," the president said. "I'm
fully aware that the use of enhanced methods of interrogation such as
waterboarding, as well as the use of armed drones, is controversial. As you
know, I'm opposed to waterboarding. As you also know, I'll drone the shit out
of a terrorist on the other side of the world like it's nothing, American
citizenship be damned.
"Some may call me a hypocrite," the president
continued. "And believe it or not, I do see a bit of hypocrisy in my
stance. Therefore, beginning immediately, and to put this issue to rest, I will
decide the fate of any person in the crosshairs of one of our drones by using
this coin."
President Obama then held up a dull, gray disc made of an
undetermined material.
"This coin was made from the ashes of Osama bin
Laden," the president said. "I know I told you we dropped him in the
ocean, but I tell you a lot of things. The 'heads' side of the coin depicts a
portrait of me, while the 'tails' side depicts a different portrait of me.
Whenever I receive word from our military, the CIA, or the Department of
Homeland Security that a drone has locked on an enemy combatant, I will flip
the coin."
"If it comes up heads, the person of interest is
dead," Obama explained. "If it comes up tails, the person of interest
is even deader."
"And now, I'll direct any questions regarding the
constitutionality of my new power to the gentleman on my left," Obama
said, gesturing to a muscle-bound man wearing an executioner's hood.
