WASHINGTON,
D.C.—In an attempt to assure the
American people that he is man enough to lead the country, President Obama
today revealed that he will wrestle an alligator live on pay-per-view
television on Saturday, February 9th.
"Let me be clear," Obama, wearing wrap-around
sunglasses and a Tapout t-shirt, said in a tone several octaves lower than his
normal speaking voice. "That skeet-shooting mock-up, er, legitimate
photograph we released over the weekend didn't help my case much. So, to shut
up all you conspiracy theory wussies, I'm going to prove just how tough I am by
wrestling a deadly 500-pound Gulf
Coast gator on national
television."
Obama then flipped the double bird to the assembled White
House press corps.
"Suck it," the president added before strutting
away from the podium.
Press Secretary Jay Carney then stepped up to elaborate.
"What President Obama meant to say is that wrestling a
prehistoric, man-eating reptile live on pay-per-view will accomplish two goals.
First and foremost, it will establish President Obama as the dominant male
among American politicians. Secondly, at a cost of $49.95 per household, it
will generate much-needed revenue for the federal government. The CBO
[Congressional Budget Office] estimates receipts will total somewhere in the
$200 million- to $250 million-dollar range."
"On a side note," Carney said, "President
Obama would like to be referred to as either 'Brass Balls Barack' or 'Triple B' for the remainder of
his term of office."
When asked if the revenue from the event would go toward
paying down this year's deficit, Carney flipped the press corps the double
bird, yelled "suck it," then sprinted from the podium.
