WASHINGTON,
D.C.—At a highly unusual
mid-afternoon press conference today, House speaker John Boehner and Senate
majority leader Harry Reid announced a bipartisan plan that could push
marijuana legalization legislation through Congress as early as next week.
"We should've done this, like, yesterday," Speaker
Boehner said, a broad smile on his face. "But it's so weird. Even this
morning, the idea of legalizing pot didn't really cross my mind. But now I'm
like 'hell yeah!'"
"I'm like 'hell yeah,' too," agreed Senator Reid. "Me
and John were just sitting there at lunch sort of half-ass talking about gun
control while we ate our chicken cordon bleu. Then after dessert, the topic of
legalizing weed came up, and we were totally in total agreement."
"Yeah!" Speaker Boehner elaborated. "It was
like one minute, nothing. Then the next? Bam! I could totally see how bud helps
cancer patients keep their food down, helps people with anxiety issues. All
that shit."
"Then we started talking about how much money it could
make for the country," added Senator Reid. "Like, tons, right? So me
and John wrote up some preliminary legislation on a cocktail napkin, and the
rest will be history. In the near future."
President Obama then joined the Congressmen at the podium
and offered his two cents.
"Let me be clear," the president said. "Any
marijuana-related legislation that makes it to my desk will be highly, highly
scrutinized. Though I tend to favor such legislation, it must be handled very
seriously, and with the utmost care."
"Before I leave," President Obama continued,
"I'd like to thank the White House kitchen staff for providing us with a
top-notch lunch."
"However, I'll have to take credit for the delicious
brownies we all enjoyed for dessert. I baked those myself using a special recipe I
came up with back in my college days."
