WASHINGTON, D.C.—Despite stumbling his way through a
grueling afternoon of testimony in front of a Senate confirmation committee
today, former Nebraska senator and current Secretary of Defense nominee Chuck
Hagel still enjoys an astronomical 85% approval rating among those who wish to
do harm to Israel and the United States.
"I try not to get too political," Mahmoud Sayed,
24, said from a terrorist training camp in Yemen. "But in Hagel's case,
I'll make an exception."
Sayed went on to say that Hagel is "not quite as
anti-Israel as I'd like him to be, but still pretty close," and that
"if I'm ever elected to the U.S. Senate, Allah willing, I would gladly
confirm a man of similar values. But not a woman. Never a woman."
Rashan Rashan, a brother-in-arms of Mr. Sayed, agreed.
"Death to Israel! Death to America!" shouted the lively
go-getter.
Back in Washington,
former vice president Al Gore echoed the feelings of Sayed and Rashan.
"I feel that the nomination of Chuck Hagel as Secretary
of Defense would be a great benefit to Israel," Gore said as he
counted an enormous wad of oil-stained hundred dollar bills.
"Why, his name rhymes with 'bagel,' and them people
like those, don't they?"
