WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a phenomenon experts have yet to
satisfactorily explain, thousands of fully-grown human beings, many of them
with advanced degrees, become completely mesmerized at the sight or sound of a
trim, well-dressed, middle-aged man with the exotic name Barack Hussein Obama.
"It's the oddest thing," said Mary Blanc, 47.
"The guy's good-looking and charismatic and all. I get that. But there's
no reason for otherwise functional adults to turn into slobbering piles of goo
whenever they're in the same room with him."
Most alarming of all is that the job of these
"slobbering piles of goo" is to objectively and truthfully report
news to the rest of the country, a right currently afforded them by the First
Amendment to the Constitution.
"This has been going on for over four years now,"
Mrs. Blanc continued. "It really makes me wonder whether or not those
people are giving us the full story on what's going on in Washington, or if they're covering certain
things up or spin-doctoring to protect that guy."
A colleague of Mr. Obama's, a decidedly average-looking man
with little to no charisma named Jay Carney, disagreed with Mrs. Blanc.
"Cast ye not a disparaging syllable upon The One!" Mr. Carney said.
"His word is The Word and his
bidding is my reason for being!"
Mr. Carney then cut off his left pinkie finger with a cigar
cutter and set it on fire before falling to the floor, writhing and speaking in
tongues.
