WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that surprised few in the wake of
his nominations of John Kerry for Secretary of State and Chuck Hagel for
Defense Secretary, President Barack Obama today nominated a severely mentally
ill homeless man for the vacant Labor Secretary position.
"Let me be clear," the president said, his hand on
the shoulder of a shabbily-dressed, disoriented, heavily-bearded man of
indeterminable age or race. "Although I know next to nothing about this
man, not even his name, I was moved by his passion as he screamed profanities
and threw his own feces at my passing motorcade. I simply had to stop and learn
more about this unique individual."
During their ten-minute conversation, Mr. Obama discovered
that he and the man the press has affectionately dubbed Mr. Wendal see the
world in very similar ways. Both believe in equal work for equal pay, the right
of labor unions to organize and strike, and setting a limit on the annual bonus
corporate executives can receive.
Also, both have eaten dog meat.
Also, both have eaten dog meat.
"I am proud to introduce Mr. Wendal as my nominee for
Labor Secretary," the president said. "Now, a word or two from the
man himself."
"Frozen waffles hate you!" Mr. Wendal insisted as
the press corps greeted him with polite applause. "Who made the moo-cow?
Light bulbs, that's who! Every single freakin' day the snow plow calls me
Jesus! Balls, balls, BALLS!"
