SAN FRANCISCO,
CA—Long derided as being paranoid
and delusional, people who spend a significant portion of their lives preparing
for their particular incarnation of doomsday may have some unexpected company
in their neighborhood when the world goes topsy-turvy.
Progressives.
"It's so funny, isn't it?" Candice Reilly-McGuire
said as she placed a stack of New Yorker
magazines into a biodegradable box and sealed it with biodegradable tape.
"Less than a month ago, my life partner Billie and I practically spit out
our Merlot watching those rubes on Nat Geo with their gas masks and ammunition
and underground bunkers. Talk about being out of touch with reality!"
Recently though, Candice and Billie became concerned about
reports of a sputtering economy and the always-looming threat of a natural
disaster.
"Billie and I love San Francisco," Candice said, "but
living on the coast like we do in the era of global climate change, there's
always a chance that the 'Big One' will hit. There might even be a tsunami. So
Billie and I did the prudent thing and began collecting supplies."
Candice led reporters into a spare bedroom stocked with a
week's worth of canned goods, several gallons of water, and a flashlight.
"Our greatest fear is that it might take hours, even a
day or two, for the federal government to restore order following a 9.0
earthquake with a resultant tsunami," Candice said. "If a total
collapse of society does occur, I'll
feel better knowing we're prepared."
Crouching and unlocking a trunk, Candice revealed what she
felt would be her most important assets in the event of statewide calamity.
"I have plenty of 'Thank You' cards to show my
appreciation to my fellow citizens and especially government officials when things
get back to normal in a day or two. You'll also notice the processed whipped
cream and the ready-made filling and crusts I've stocked up on. With those ingredients,
I'll make a dozen special desserts to properly thank everyone for being so
helpful and patient throughout the ordeal."
