Obama Explains Sequestration to Children

FAIRFAX, VA—After receiving a letter sent to him by six-year-old Sarah Fulmer expressing anxiety over tomorrow's sequestration deadline, President Barack Obama cut short a golf outing and made a beeline for Bobby Jones Elementary School in suburban Fairfax to alleviate the tyke's fears.

"Let me be clear," President Obama told the auditorium full of five-, six-, and seven-year-old students. "Like Sarah said in her letter, sequestration is a big and scary word, but it doesn't have to be. It's just that there are some meanies in Congress called Republicans who don't want me to do whatever I want, like when your mommy tells you not to eat so much candy or your big brother tells you he wants to watch a football game on TV instead of your favorite cartoon. Now does that sound fair to you props, er, kids?"

"No!" the children replied in unison.

"Very good!" said the president, smiling and nodding. "Life would be so much easier for me if those mean Republicans were more like you. In any event, it isn't just the Republicans who are being mean. Believe it or not, some of your mommies and daddies are being mean to me too."

When the children's gasps of amazement and occasional sobs subsided, the president continued.

"It's true, kids. Some of your parents in this nice little community don't want to give me more of their money. Kind of like when they won't let you have that video game all your other friends have, or they won't give you a few dollars for the ice cream man. Isn't that so unfair?"

"Yes!" the children agreed as one.

The president clapped his hands. "Good," he said. "Now, when you get home, I want you all to repeat this little rhyme to your parents. Tell them, 'Give Obama all of your cash, or he will make the economy crash'."

"Give Obama all of your cash, or he will make the economy crash!" the children's voices echoed throughout the auditorium.

"Excellent," Mr. Obama said. "And rest assured, little ones. My successor will be paying you all a personal visit in, oh, twelve to fifteen years."

Vegas Taking Bets on First Person to be Droned on U.S. Soil

LAS VEGAS, NV—Anticipating that the first lethal in-country drone strike against an American citizen could come at any moment, gambling hotspots all over Las Vegas have begun accepting bets on who in our vast nation will earn the dubious distinction.

"As soon as Obama vaporized that American-born terrorist and his kid, I knew it would only be a matter of time before he started doing that shit right here in our backyard," said Vinnie "The Tack" Sharples from his home office located five miles off Vegas' famed Strip. "I thought for sure the Dorner freak would be the first to get blown all to hell. I had it 3-to-1."

In fact, Mr. Sharples' impromptu "Drone Pool" website crashed due to sheer traffic volume shortly after ex-LAPD officer Christopher Dorner holed himself up in a remote cabin near Big Bear, California.

"The cops eventually toasted the guy themselves," said a smiling Mr. Sharples. " But I still made over forty-five grand when the cops positively I.D.ed the body a couple days later."

An hour after news of Mr. Sharples' windfall spread to the Strip, every major casino announced their own version of "Drone Pool," complete with detailed odds and lists of potential targets.

"We're making money hand over fist on this thing," said Frank Castellano, who oversees non-sports wagering at the Bellagio. "It's a weird combination of humanity's inherent creepiness and the fact that the president can just push a button and off someone, no questions asked. Anyway, we've taken in $3.5 million in a week and a half."

According to oddsmakers, the leading candidates to be blown to smithereens by President Obama are Dr. Benjamin Carson (10-1), veteran journalist Bob Woodward (5-1), and the entire Republican Party (3-5).

Obama Claims Imaginary Friend Suggested Sequestration

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Following weeks of public finger-pointing among Republicans and Democrats regarding who came up with the idea to initiate $85 billion in indiscriminate spending cuts should a budget agreement not be reached by March 1st, President Barack Obama revealed today that the sequestration was suggested to him by his longtime imaginary friend, Garzinkelpork.

"Let me be clear," the president said in the Rose Garden, his left arm propped up as if resting on the shoulders of another person of roughly the same height. "Garzinkelpork has been with me through thick and thin for nearly five decades now. When this kindly old man of Gypsy and Armenian descent—who has the power to summon extinct animals, as well as to communicate telepathically with far-off aliens—speaks, you better believe I listen."

When asked by the press corps if Garzinkelpork would make the final decision as to whether or not the sequestration would take place, Obama huddled with the figment of his imagination for a moment before simply saying, "As always, I'll take Garzinkelpork's advice into account."

As the White House press corps clamored for more details, Mr. Obama feigned taking the hand of his invisible, nonexistent friend, then skipped away from the podium.

"Mr. President!" a young reporter shouted above the din. "Don't you think making important decisions like this so arbitrarily is dangerous for the country?"

As soon as Mr. Obama entered the White House and shut the door behind him, the rest of the press corps beat the young reporter to death with their laptops.

'Innocence of Muslims' Wins Best Picture Oscar

LOS ANGELES, CA—In what can only be called the most shocking event in the history of the Oscars, the poorly-produced, poorly-dubbed, 14-minute-long internet movie trailer "Innocence of Muslims" upset some of the year's most critically-acclaimed and highest-grossing films to take home the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Most critics and Hollywood insiders had expected "Argo," "Lincoln," or possibly "Zero Dark Thirty" to win the prestigious award. Most of the ceremony's attendees apparently felt the same way, judging by their stunned silence after first lady Michelle Obama announced the winner via satellite from the White House.

The only person who seemed excited by the selection of "Innocence of Muslims" was former first lady and secretary of state Hillary Clinton, who accepted the award on behalf of Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, the producer and director of the film, who is currently serving a one-year prison sentence for violating terms of his probation.

"Thank you, thank you!" Mrs. Clinton gushed as she approached the podium, the Oscar held high in her left hand. "Nobody thought it was possible, but with the tireless marketing efforts of the Obama administration we were able to get the word out about this film. Audience reaction around the world was incredibly enthusiastic. Some may even say rabid. Being a low-budget project, we only had $70,000 in cash to spend on advertising, and we spent it all in Pakistan. But it looks like we made the right decision!

"And this is only the beginning," Mrs. Clinton continued as the orchestra began to play its walk-off music and two ushers guided her stage-left. "If you think 2012 was a good year, wait until you see what Obama Productions has in store for 2013!"

Thing That Was Good For You Six Months Ago Now Kills You

LOS ANGELES, CA—The thing your doctor suggested you do to cure your nausea or depression or lethargy or obesity six months ago has now been proven to actually kill you, a new study finds.

"When that particular exercise, pill, or dietary supplement came out six months ago, it was all the rage," recalled Dr. Victoria Tran, Director of Fad Science at Cedar Sinai Medical Center. "But a new study published in Great Britain's Journal of Questionable Medicine shows without a shadow of a doubt that prolonged exposure to whatever it was we prescribed for you half a year ago will almost certainly result in your untimely, and probably painful, death."

"Sorry," Dr. Tran added.

Despite the disheartening news, Dr. Tran stressed that patients who may be concerned about the side effects of exposing their body to six continuous months of flawed and fallacious treatment have nothing to be worried about.

"Luckily, the FDA just approved Fixtal, a daily, nine-pill regimen guaranteed to counteract any damage done to your body by the thing we prescribed to you twenty-six weeks ago. Just six short months from now, you'll be as good as new!"

When asked what patients should do with any unused doses of the thing prescribed six months ago, Dr. Tran advised they hold on to them.

"A year from now, another study will probably find that the thing we said is killing you is good for you again."

Progressives Jumping on Prepper Bandwagon

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Long derided as being paranoid and delusional, people who spend a significant portion of their lives preparing for their particular incarnation of doomsday may have some unexpected company in their neighborhood when the world goes topsy-turvy.

Progressives.

"It's so funny, isn't it?" Candice Reilly-McGuire said as she placed a stack of New Yorker magazines into a biodegradable box and sealed it with biodegradable tape. "Less than a month ago, my life partner Billie and I practically spit out our Merlot watching those rubes on Nat Geo with their gas masks and ammunition and underground bunkers. Talk about being out of touch with reality!"

Recently though, Candice and Billie became concerned about reports of a sputtering economy and the always-looming threat of a natural disaster.

"Billie and I love San Francisco," Candice said, "but living on the coast like we do in the era of global climate change, there's always a chance that the 'Big One' will hit. There might even be a tsunami. So Billie and I did the prudent thing and began collecting supplies."

Candice led reporters into a spare bedroom stocked with a week's worth of canned goods, several gallons of water, and a flashlight.

"Our greatest fear is that it might take hours, even a day or two, for the federal government to restore order following a 9.0 earthquake with a resultant tsunami," Candice said. "If a total collapse of society does occur, I'll feel better knowing we're prepared."

Crouching and unlocking a trunk, Candice revealed what she felt would be her most important assets in the event of statewide calamity.

"I have plenty of 'Thank You' cards to show my appreciation to my fellow citizens and especially government officials when things get back to normal in a day or two. You'll also notice the processed whipped cream and the ready-made filling and crusts I've stocked up on. With those ingredients, I'll make a dozen special desserts to properly thank everyone for being so helpful and patient throughout the ordeal."

"I call it Pie in the Sky."

Obama Suggests Changes to NHL Point System

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Giving the president a break from hot-button topics like sequestration and his disagreements with the Republican party, Reverend Al Sharpton changed the subject to sports during the latter part of his radio interview with Mr. Obama this afternoon, asking the president what he thought about the NHL's point system.

"Let me be clear," Obama said. "I didn't even know the NHL had resolved its labor dispute and started playing. That being said, I hope the oppressed party, be they players or owners, won.

"However, I must say that I am troubled by the point system currently in use by the league. A team earns two points for a victory, one point for an overtime loss, and no points for a conventional loss. This seems unfair to me. Although one point for an overtime loss—which was basically called a tie when I was younger—is empowering, I feel two points for victory and none for defeat is far from fair. The losing team tried just as hard as they could, and I believe they are entitled to a single point, which should be taken from the victorious team."

Reverend Sharpton agreed wholeheartedly with President Obama's proposal, then proceeded to take a call from a listener.

"Uh, hi, Reverend Al and President Obama," said Greg from Cleveland. "I hate to burst your bubble, but if you give teams one point each for a win, loss, or tie, every team will be tied at the end of the season. Who do you give the Stanley Cup to?"

"It's a simple solution, Greg," the president said. "Everyone gets a Stanley Cup. In fact, so do you for asking such a fine question."

Healthy Young Man Passes Ten 'Help Wanted' Signs on Way to Panhandle at Intersection

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In a move that angered many elderly, disabled, and legitimately needy people commuting to their low-paying, soul-crushing places of employment, a completely healthy, clean-cut, and outwardly sane man strolled past ten "Help Wanted" signs on his way to the intersection of Pendleton Pike and Interstate 465.

"Fast food just doesn't do it for me," said James Rosen, 23, as he collected $1.27 in loose change and a "God bless" from a passing motorist. "The managers only get paid minimum wage too, so there's no room for any real advancement. Plus, almost every position is only part-time. Who can live on that?"

After waiting for a pair of well-wishers to drop a combined $2.68 into his uncalloused right hand, Rosen continued.

"I know a lot of auto repair places are hiring right now, too. But I can't deal with all that grease and all those sharp metal parts. On top of that, it would take me like five or ten years to learn the trade and earn enough money to open my own shop. Who has time for that? I'll be like 100 by then."

While Rosen accepted a five-dollar bill from an old man driving a car worth less than Rosen's stylish winter coat, The Midwest Ledger asked him if his attitude would change when he started a family.

"Way ahead of you, bro," Rosen replied, waving to a pretty young woman and a heavily-bundled toddler a half-block up the road. "Jessica and Ashley haul in four times what I do. Who could say no to all that cuteness?"

Obama Touts 'Parallelogram of Friendship'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In stark contrast to former President George W. Bush's designation of America's most dangerous enemies as an "Axis of Evil," Barack Obama today proposed a "Parallelogram of Friendship" composed of North Korea, Iran, China, and the United States.

"Let me be clear," President Obama said to the assembled White House press corps. "All of us have had people in our lives who have disappointed or even harmed us at some point, yet they still remain our friends. For example, someone may have posted internet videos depicting ourselves and our home in flames, hacked our email account, or denied that the Holocaust occurred. During the course of a prolonged relationship, isolated incidents like this are bound to happen.

"However, in the spirit of camaraderie," the president continued, "I call on the fine nations of North Korea, Iran, and China to forget about any indiscretions or outright threats of death and destruction and join America as angles on the Parallelogram of Friendship."

Following polite applause from the press corps, Mr. Obama donned a Nike cap, shouldered his golf bag, and directed any questions to press secretary Jay Carney.

When asked if the fictional "Parallelogram" had any symbolic meaning, Mr. Carney replied, "Not really. It just looks a lot cooler than a square."

"But here's a heads up, guys. If Mr. Putin returns President Obama's phone calls by next week, I may be up here telling you about the 'Pentagon of Peace'."

Hagel Converts to Judaism

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning move orchestrated to reinvent himself as a strong supporter of Israel, Secretary of Defense nominee Chuck Hagel (R-NE) today shunned his lifelong Episcopalian faith and converted to Judaism.

"It was easier than you might think," Hagel said in the hallway outside Vice President Joe Biden's office. "I saw this movie once where a guy had to put on a costume and read a bunch of Hebrew stuff from a scroll, then get some type of Jew baptism or something. But it turns out there's all different kinds of Jews, and they all have different ways of converting into their church, or whatever it is we call it.

"Anyway, I just went with the most laid back kind of Jews, and it turns out I didn't have to do nothing. Not even sign any papers or put my hand on a Bible and say, 'I solemnly swear I'm a Jew.' Basically, I asked if I could be a Jew and the Rabbi or whatever was like 'Bam! I now pronounce you man and Jew'."

When asked if his new faith would clash with that of his wife, Hagel replied, "I said I went with the easy Jews, remember? I don't have to cut a hole in a sheet or anything to bang my wife. Plus I'm already circumcised. See?"

Vice President Biden emerged from his office, waved to the press, then feigned hitting Hagel in the nuts. "We're going to Hooters, asswipe," Mr. Biden informed his longtime colleague. "You ready for burgers and tits?"

"You know it!" Hagel replied. "Cheeseburgers and beers all damn night!"

"Wait a minute," Hagel said as the pair headed for the exit. "Am I still allowed to eat cheeseburgers?"

Obama Balances Budget At 19th Hole

SOUTH BEACH, FL—Following a spirited round of golf with Tiger Woods at the Floridian, a prestigious golf and yacht club on the state's Treasure Coast, President Barack Obama accomplished a feat unseen since he took office over four years ago; he presented Americans with a budget, then proceeded to balance it.

"Let me be clear," the president said to Woods, Houston Astros and Floridian owner Jim Crane, and former Dallas mayor Ron Kirk as they approached the bar beyond the 18th green. "Michelle only gave me $100 to spend on drinks and appetizers, so let's take it easy, okay guys?"

Mr. Woods didn't start things off easily for Mr. Obama, immediately requesting double shots of Patrón all around. Mr. Crane added to Obama's discomfort by ordering steak fajitas and twenty sushi rolls.

"I would've been fine with just a salad," Mr. Obama said later. "But Jim's always pushing the envelope."

By the time their check arrived, President Obama was visibly nervous. But, being the brave leader he is, he picked it up and turned it over.

"Not as bad as I thought it was going to be," Mr. Obama said, smiling, to Woods and the others. "I had the Cosmo and the two Appletinis, plus a little bit of the fajitas and sushi. With tip, Michelle's $100 more than covers it. Tiger had just the three Coors Lights and the waitress' phone number. Jim and Kirk already have their cash out, so it looks like we're all paying our fair share. Thank you, gentlemen."

When asked how the golf itself went, President Obama replied, "I had my best game ever. I shot an 82.5."

When asked how that was possible, the president elaborated.

"Tiger shot a 67, Jim got a 75, Ron had a 78, and I shot a 110. Once all the scores were fairly redistributed, I ended up with a very respectable 82.5. Guess all those $1,000 an hour lessons paid off, right?"

Least Surprising Suicide in History Takes Place

HEBER SPRINGS, AR—In what, sadly, turned out to be the least surprising suicide in the history of mankind, country singer Mindy McCready, 37, took her own life on the very front porch upon which her boyfriend died last month.

"How do you even begin to process the horror of that?" asked country music fan Amber Lawson, also 37. "I mean, make all the 'my life's like a country song' jokes you want, but damn. That's about the most heartbreaking thing I've heard in a while."

Ms. McCready, who had two very young children, spent much of her life fighting drug and alcohol addiction while under the unblinking, unrelenting, uncaring eye of the American public.

"Oh, yeah," avid pop culture and schadenfreude fan Jared Schultz, 22, said outside a clothing store in the mall that appeared to be selling several thousand slightly-different versions of the exact same t-shirt. "I heard she got DUIs, arrested, some boyfriend smacked her around. Drugs and alcohol, etc."

Ms. McCready, whose debut album sold over two million copies, was well aware of the need to make changes in her life, even going so far as to join the cast of the reality show "Celebrity Rehab" in order to be further exploited by soulless entertainment hacks, and to possibly get some much needed help.

"Oh, yeah," said Douglas Devonshire, 19. "I remember her on that show. She was blonde, right?" After taking a moment to properly flatten the bill of his baseball cap, Douglas added, "Didn't she sleep with Roger Clemens, too?"

At press time, The Midwest Ledger was desperately emailing this article to Lindsay Lohan as a wake-up call.

Man's Sophisticated Taste in Beer Not Hiding Alcoholism

LAS VEGAS, NV—Despite retaining an encyclopedia-like knowledge of brewing, and, in particular, extremely rare craft beers, Roger Conner, 44, of Las Vegas has failed to mask his alcoholism from friends, family, and complete strangers.

"It's amazing, the stuff he knows," noted long-suffering sister, Laura, 41. "Like the exact amount of hops that go into a certain type of beer, and at which point in the brewing process you should add them. He'll come over and talk about beer for hours. Then he usually asks for money."

Roger's best friend of two decades, Travis Dunn, offers even more insight.

"Roger's always been a bit of a beer snob," Travis said with a grin. "I guess it was all the time he spent stationed in Germany, getting spoiled by the beer and the women. He won't touch the 'swill' most of our friends drink. He'll go on and on about how some microbrewery in Henderson has perfected an India Pale Ale to the point it doesn't have even a hint of aftertaste. Then he'll puke on my brand new slacks. But, hey. That's Roger!"

Keith Morrison, 24, a frequent patron of McElroy's Pub on Vegas' famed Strip, had a different take on Roger.

"The guy's a total dick," Morrison opined, holding a bloody bar rag to his forehead. "One minute he's talking about some kind of ale monks brewed in 1554, the next he's screaming in my face that I screwed some chick he dated like twenty years ago. I was like, 'What the hell dude? I was four.' Then he hit me over the head with an eighteen-dollar bottle of cream lager from Latvia. I could taste it as it dripped down my face."

"You know what?" Morrison said, licking his lips. "That lager isn't half bad. I'll have to splurge for one next time I come in." 

Company Making Millions Adding 'Don't' to Archaic 'Question Authority' Gear

BERKELEY, CA—In the midst of one of the worst economic spells in the nation's history, a company with its sights set squarely on the future is raking in cash by adding a simple four-letter word to hundreds of thousands of pieces of memorabilia from America's past.

"You may be too young to remember," Gordon Sayles, 68, said as he used a tiny camelhair brush to put the finishing touches on a 40-year-old, faded and threadbare tie-dyed t-shirt. "But decades ago, people were different. When they heard something coming out of the newspapers or the TV or the White House that they didn't like, they'd get out in the streets and let everyone know it. But times were different then."

Mr. Sayles blew on the t-shirt to hasten its drying, then held it up for all to see.

"Looks like it could be hanging in the window of a head shop in Haight-Ashbury!" Sayles said, chuckling. "Summer of Love!"

Above the original message of "Question Authority," Sayles has added the word "Don't" in such a way that it could only be assumed to be part of the original product.

"And it ain't just shirts," Sayles confided. "It's jackets, posters, bumper stickers, pins, VW buses and Beetles. Just about anything with that hippie crap on it. It's like people just want to forget it ever happened!"

Mr. Sayles made over $10 million last year, exclusively on the west coast. But he's not hiding his plans for expansion.

"We're expecting to corner the Northeast market in the spring, and by summertime, we hope to set up shop in the Valhalla of hypocrisy," Sayles said.

"Washington D.C."

Obama Nominates Raving Homeless Man for Labor Secretary

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that surprised few in the wake of his nominations of John Kerry for Secretary of State and Chuck Hagel for Defense Secretary, President Barack Obama today nominated a severely mentally ill homeless man for the vacant Labor Secretary position.

"Let me be clear," the president said, his hand on the shoulder of a shabbily-dressed, disoriented, heavily-bearded man of indeterminable age or race. "Although I know next to nothing about this man, not even his name, I was moved by his passion as he screamed profanities and threw his own feces at my passing motorcade. I simply had to stop and learn more about this unique individual."

During their ten-minute conversation, Mr. Obama discovered that he and the man the press has affectionately dubbed Mr. Wendal see the world in very similar ways. Both believe in equal work for equal pay, the right of labor unions to organize and strike, and setting a limit on the annual bonus corporate executives can receive.

Also, both have eaten dog meat.

"I am proud to introduce Mr. Wendal as my nominee for Labor Secretary," the president said. "Now, a word or two from the man himself."

"Frozen waffles hate you!" Mr. Wendal insisted as the press corps greeted him with polite applause. "Who made the moo-cow? Light bulbs, that's who! Every single freakin' day the snow plow calls me Jesus! Balls, balls, BALLS!"

At press time, there was rampant speculation that Mr. Wendal would replace Joe Biden as Vice President.

Prostitution Legal Today

WASHINGTON, D.C.—For centuries now, February 14th has been the one day of the year when young lovers can steal much more than a kiss without fear of being handcuffed by someone they have no interest in starting a relationship with. Namely, a member of D.C.'s vice squad.

"I love Valentine's Day!" exclaimed a twenty-ish man who would only identify himself as T-Love. "I find a chick around New Year's Eve, maybe mid-January, then start buttering her up. You know, a movie here, a two-for-one coupon at Red Lobster there. But when Valentine's rolls around I break out the big guns. I'm talking flowers, chocolates. The whole nine."

"Then guess what?" Mr. Love asked, presumably rhetorically, while thrusting his hips back and forth. "She's pretty much obligated to."

Recently married couple Bob and Janet Rudolph had a slightly more romantic take on the Hallmark holiday.

"Every day is Valentine's Day for us!" gushed Janet, as Bob busied himself with his smartphone. "My baby-baby still writes me little love notes and puts them in my purse every morning! How sweet is that? Tonight we're dining at L'Enfant, then Bobby says he has a big surprise for me!"

When Janet paused to stoop down and pet a "so, so, sooo cute" Pomeranian strolling by with its owner, Bob elaborated on their plans for the night.

"The notes stopped working months ago," he whispered. "So I went out and dropped two grand on some diamond heart crap thing she wanted. To put it in PG-13 terms, she better thank me orally. And I ain't talking about words."

"I mean, she's pretty much obligated to, right?"

Two-Year-Old Expelled from Daycare Center for Fist-Bumping Father

DAYTON, OH—Toddler Jake Rothstein was expelled from the Tiny Tykes Daycare Center on Lemon Street following an incident in which the two-year-old fist-bumped his father, Lucas, as Lucas dropped the boy off before work.

"What the hell?" Lucas Rothstein said, staring at the pink expulsion slip handed to him by Tiny Tykes director Samantha King. "Really?"

"Normally," Ms. King told reporters, "we don't frown upon 'fist-bumping,' per se. In fact, we encourage such innocent playfulness between father and son, as it is an integral part of the male-bonding process.

"However, Mr. Rothstein and his son followed their display of love and affection with what is commonly called a 'blow-up.' After the fist-bump, both father and son proceeded to quickly uncurl their fists, while at the same time making sounds that simulated the types of explosions one might hear during a war or possibly—God forbid—a mass-shooting at a local daycare center.

"We simply can't tolerate that type of violent behavior here at Tiny Tykes."

Mr. Rothstein disagreed with Ms. King's decision to expel his son.

"Are you serious?" Rothstein asked, still gazing uncomprehendingly at the piece of paper that would now force him and his wife, Janice, to once again begin the long, arduous search for a daycare center that meets both of their stringent standards.

"Really?"

Obama Applies to Mexican Medical School

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Claiming that he's "doing his part" to alleviate concerns over doctor shortages in California and other states as his Affordable Care Act begins to take effect, President Barack Obama announced today that he has filed an application to attend one of Mexico's finest medical schools.

"Let me be claro," the president said, addressing press from both the U.S. and Mexico. "I have applied at Universidad de Guadalupe with the goal of earning a doctoral degree that will empower me to perform everything from a simple flu diagnosis to a quadruple heart bypass. Although my application hasn't been officially approved by the school, I'm confident it's a mere formality, and that I'll be accepted."

When asked why he wasn't attending a medical school in the States, Mr. Obama cited a convoluted paperwork mix-up involving his social security card, birth certificate, law license, and college records.

"Rather than bother with the rigmarole and red tape that accompanies the American college application process," President Obama said, flashing his winning smile, "I thought it would be best for the country if I cut right to the chase and started earning my M.D. south of the border."

While the assembled reporters looked on, President Obama received a phone call from Universidad de Guadalupe's dean of admissions. After a few moments of chit-chat, Obama announced he'd been accepted, and the press corps gave him a long standing ovation.

As of press time, The Midwest Ledger can confirm that President Obama has been detained and jailed just across the Mexican border for violating dozens of the country's strict anti-immigration laws.

'Take a 99er to Work Day' a Huge Success, Labor Department Says

WASHINGTON D.C.—Following in the footsteps of the private sector's popular "Take Your Child to Work Day," the federal government today urged its employees to bring a hopelessly unemployed friend or relative to work with them to remind them how it feels to put in a hard day at the office.

"All in all, it was a rousing success," said acting Secretary of Labor Seth D. Harris. "Over half a million government employees and their long-unemployed companions took part in this exciting program."

Sabrina Foulkes, 46, who was laid off from her job as a receptionist nearly two years ago, agreed with Mr. Harris' assessment.

"It was okay," she said. "At first, I had trouble adjusting to light and sound that wasn't emanating from my television. But after that, it was fine. I shadowed my sister [Senior File Clerk] Judy [Saunders] on the ninth floor. By the time the first break rolled around, I was capable of doing the jobs of both her and her supervisor flawlessly. I wish they were hiring."

Greg Matthews, 49, a construction superintendent out of work since mid-2011, saw things differently.

"These oil paintings have jobs and I don't?" Matthews asked incredulously, surveying cubicle after cubicle of nearly-stationary humans with highly-secure, taxpayer-funded employment. "My God, they wouldn't last five minutes in the real world.

"For 30 years of my life," Matthews continued, "I worked harder every day than any of these bloated wastes of oxygen ever worked in a month. But they're earning a decent paycheck and I'm not. Amazing. All I want to do is get out there and get a few blisters on my hands, but nobody's building. With all the regulation and uncertainty out there, I can't blame them. But still. What's a guy to do?"

At press time, President Obama was unavailable for comment.

Convenience Store Near New House Has Bullet-Proof Glass

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In a disturbing development, Todd and Amy Harrison, both 28 and recently relocated from Temecula, California, discovered today that the convenience store closest to their new home features inch-thick bullet-resistant glass, presumably to protect the store's employees from armed robberies.

"We took a break from unpacking and stopped by Par-Tay-Time Grocery and Liquor for a half-gallon of skim milk," Todd said, holding his wife's hand. "We thought they might even have sandwich fixings so we could make ourselves a light lunch. Boy were we wrong."

Instead of a dozen shelves stocked with canned goods, junk food, and travel-size personal hygiene products, the Harrisons were greeted by four-hundred square feet of gray tile and a solitary ATM machine.

"And the ATM machine was encased in some kind of iron cage," Amy said. "Who does that?"

Behind the scratched and finger-printed glass, a plump, forty-something woman smiled and waved in greeting.

"She was so sweet," Todd recalled. "Why the hell would she work there?"

"The surrounding area doesn't even look too bad," Amy chimed in. "There's a sort of shady-looking apartment complex across the road, but other than that, it's fine. We wouldn't have moved to the neighborhood if we didn't feel safe."

Though their first instinct was to turn around and leave the store, Amy insisted they buy something. After much loud conversation and spirited pointing at the shelves full of booze behind the glass, the Harrisons finalized their purchase of an $8 bottle of wine.

"The creepiest part of the transaction was that tiny, bullet-proof, mini-revolving door thing between us and the cashier. You'd think we were exchanging nitroglycerine and live grenades, not a debit card and a bottle of Blue Nun."

When asked if they had any regrets about moving to the area, Todd and Amy agreed they did not.

"I work in the nice part of town, up north," Todd confided. "We'll just do our shopping there."

   

Obama to Determine Life, Death of Terror Suspects With Coin Flip

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In response to the somewhat negative reaction he received after granting himself the power to kill American citizens whenever he damn well pleases, President Barack Obama today reversed course and announced such decisions would now be determined by the flip of a coin.

"Let me be clear," the president said. "I'm fully aware that the use of enhanced methods of interrogation such as waterboarding, as well as the use of armed drones, is controversial. As you know, I'm opposed to waterboarding. As you also know, I'll drone the shit out of a terrorist on the other side of the world like it's nothing, American citizenship be damned.

"Some may call me a hypocrite," the president continued. "And believe it or not, I do see a bit of hypocrisy in my stance. Therefore, beginning immediately, and to put this issue to rest, I will decide the fate of any person in the crosshairs of one of our drones by using this coin."

President Obama then held up a dull, gray disc made of an undetermined material.

"This coin was made from the ashes of Osama bin Laden," the president said. "I know I told you we dropped him in the ocean, but I tell you a lot of things. The 'heads' side of the coin depicts a portrait of me, while the 'tails' side depicts a different portrait of me. Whenever I receive word from our military, the CIA, or the Department of Homeland Security that a drone has locked on an enemy combatant, I will flip the coin."

"If it comes up heads, the person of interest is dead," Obama explained. "If it comes up tails, the person of interest is even deader."

"And now, I'll direct any questions regarding the constitutionality of my new power to the gentleman on my left," Obama said, gesturing to a muscle-bound man wearing an executioner's hood.

Adults Mesmerized by Thin Man in Suit

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a phenomenon experts have yet to satisfactorily explain, thousands of fully-grown human beings, many of them with advanced degrees, become completely mesmerized at the sight or sound of a trim, well-dressed, middle-aged man with the exotic name Barack Hussein Obama.

"It's the oddest thing," said Mary Blanc, 47. "The guy's good-looking and charismatic and all. I get that. But there's no reason for otherwise functional adults to turn into slobbering piles of goo whenever they're in the same room with him."

Most alarming of all is that the job of these "slobbering piles of goo" is to objectively and truthfully report news to the rest of the country, a right currently afforded them by the First Amendment to the Constitution.

"This has been going on for over four years now," Mrs. Blanc continued. "It really makes me wonder whether or not those people are giving us the full story on what's going on in Washington, or if they're covering certain things up or spin-doctoring to protect that guy."

A colleague of Mr. Obama's, a decidedly average-looking man with little to no charisma named Jay Carney, disagreed with Mrs. Blanc.

"Cast ye not a disparaging syllable upon The One!" Mr. Carney said. "His word is The Word and his bidding is my reason for being!"

Mr. Carney then cut off his left pinkie finger with a cigar cutter and set it on fire before falling to the floor, writhing and speaking in tongues.

Obama Discouraging Illegal Immigration by Making America Uninhabitable

TIJUANA, MEXICO—Using the Mexican border city of Tijuana as his backdrop, President Barack Obama today unveiled a controversial plan to bring an end to illegal immigration.

"Let me be claro," the president said to a confused group of Mexican street merchants plying their wares and American college students preparing for a night of legal debauchery. "Although most of you don't even know it, my plan to ease, then eventually end, the immigration problem was actually implemented over four years ago. I take great pride in the fact that I have personally slowed the flow of illegals into America by making our country increasingly difficult to live in."

After pausing a moment for applause that never came, President Obama continued.

"My three-point plan has worked to perfection thus far," he said. "Number one, bring hiring to a grinding halt by burying businesses in taxes, regulation, and uncertainty over Obamacare. Numero dos, refuse to utilize America's vast natural resources, resulting in $4 a gallon gas in California and ensuring no immigrant can afford to drive to work or fuel the equipment that powers his landscaping or construction business. And thirdly, encourage folks on both sides of the border to enroll in my myriad welfare programs, thereby bankrupting the nation further and smothering future generations with insurmountable debt."

Following another awkward, silent pause, the president said, "Alright, you guys. Enough with the boring international socio-political babble. Let's get to the real reason I'm here."

President Obama then threw off his gray blazer, revealing a Señor Frog's t-shirt and an enormous octo-bong.

"Beer summit, baby!" he yelled at the now-roaring crowd. "And all the cerveza's on me!"

"In a roundabout kind of way."

Obama Sells Nukes to Satan

HADES—On the heels of his gift of American-made F-16 fighter jets and M1 Abrams tanks to the unstable, anti-Semitic government of Egypt, President Obama surprised even a few of his fellow Democrats today when he sold 666 nuclear missiles to Satan, the Lord of the Underworld.

"Let me be clear," the president said, sweating profusely at a podium in the bowels of Hell. "This sale of military hardware to the Prince of Darkness will benefit the country in two key ways. First, it will provide the United States treasury with nearly $10 billion, which may or not be used to pay down the national debt. Also, it makes America and the entire world a safer place by reducing our nuclear arsenal by over a third."

Satan agreed with Obama's assessment.

"Barack and I have had a close relationship ever since his speech at the Democratic National Convention in 2004," said Beelzebub, peering into the very souls of the assembled White House press corps. "We both knew he would be going places, but neither of us thought he'd be where he is so soon. We were thinking 2016 at the earliest, but realistically 2020. However, thanks to 51.1% of the American people, and especially the media, we are here today to finalize this historic deal."

After a moment of polite applause for Satan, President Obama referred all questions to press secretary Jay Carney, then boarded the Devil's personal jet en route to Washington.  

Boehner, Reid Considering Pot Legalization

WASHINGTON, D.C.—At a highly unusual mid-afternoon press conference today, House speaker John Boehner and Senate majority leader Harry Reid announced a bipartisan plan that could push marijuana legalization legislation through Congress as early as next week.

"We should've done this, like, yesterday," Speaker Boehner said, a broad smile on his face. "But it's so weird. Even this morning, the idea of legalizing pot didn't really cross my mind. But now I'm like 'hell yeah!'"

"I'm like 'hell yeah,' too," agreed Senator Reid. "Me and John were just sitting there at lunch sort of half-ass talking about gun control while we ate our chicken cordon bleu. Then after dessert, the topic of legalizing weed came up, and we were totally in total agreement."

"Yeah!" Speaker Boehner elaborated. "It was like one minute, nothing. Then the next? Bam! I could totally see how bud helps cancer patients keep their food down, helps people with anxiety issues. All that shit."

"Then we started talking about how much money it could make for the country," added Senator Reid. "Like, tons, right? So me and John wrote up some preliminary legislation on a cocktail napkin, and the rest will be history. In the near future."

President Obama then joined the Congressmen at the podium and offered his two cents.

"Let me be clear," the president said. "Any marijuana-related legislation that makes it to my desk will be highly, highly scrutinized. Though I tend to favor such legislation, it must be handled very seriously, and with the utmost care."

"Before I leave," President Obama continued, "I'd like to thank the White House kitchen staff for providing us with a top-notch lunch."

"However, I'll have to take credit for the delicious brownies we all enjoyed for dessert. I baked those myself using a special recipe I came up with back in my college days."

Obama to Wrestle Alligator to Prove Manliness

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an attempt to assure the American people that he is man enough to lead the country, President Obama today revealed that he will wrestle an alligator live on pay-per-view television on Saturday, February 9th.

"Let me be clear," Obama, wearing wrap-around sunglasses and a Tapout t-shirt, said in a tone several octaves lower than his normal speaking voice. "That skeet-shooting mock-up, er, legitimate photograph we released over the weekend didn't help my case much. So, to shut up all you conspiracy theory wussies, I'm going to prove just how tough I am by wrestling a deadly 500-pound Gulf Coast gator on national television."

Obama then flipped the double bird to the assembled White House press corps.

"Suck it," the president added before strutting away from the podium.

Press Secretary Jay Carney then stepped up to elaborate.

"What President Obama meant to say is that wrestling a prehistoric, man-eating reptile live on pay-per-view will accomplish two goals. First and foremost, it will establish President Obama as the dominant male among American politicians. Secondly, at a cost of $49.95 per household, it will generate much-needed revenue for the federal government. The CBO [Congressional Budget Office] estimates receipts will total somewhere in the $200 million- to $250 million-dollar range."

"On a side note," Carney said, "President Obama would like to be referred to as either 'Brass Balls Barack' or 'Triple B' for the remainder of his term of office."

When asked if the revenue from the event would go toward paying down this year's deficit, Carney flipped the press corps the double bird, yelled "suck it," then sprinted from the podium.  

Alex Smith's Concussion Named NFL MVP

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Although it didn't even join the San Francisco 49ers until the midway point of the 2012-13 season, Alex Smith's concussion was named Most Valuable Player of the National Football League.

"We couldn't have gone all the way to the Super Bowl without the contributions of Alex Smith's concussion," head coach Jim Harbaugh said in a press release. "Alex Smith was doing a serviceable if unspectacular job at quarterback during the first half of the season, but it was his concussion that put us over the top and really made us a team to contend with."

Despite suffering a heart-breaking loss to the Baltimore Ravens in Super Bowl XLVII, other 49ers players were quick to congratulate Alex Smith's concussion for its accomplishment.

"What can I say about Alex Smith's concussion?" smiling wide receiver Michael Crabtree asked rhetorically. "The first half of the season, it was like I wasn't even part of the team. But almost as soon as Alex Smith's concussion took the field, I went on to have my best year ever. I owe it all to Alex Smith's concussion."

Running back Frank Gore added that, "Alex Smith's concussion was a blessing, a true blessing. During the first half of the season, everyone and their grandma knew I was going to get the ball on just about every running play. When Alex Smith's concussion took the field, though, it really made the defense think."

When asked if Alex Smith's concussion would start at quarterback next season, Coach Harbaugh replied, "Hell yes."

When asked where Alex Smith would end up, Harbaugh shrugged and said, "I don't know. Probably Cleveland."

Guy With '13.1' Sticker on His Two-Wheel Drive SUV Half-Assing Way Through Life

BOULDER, CO—According to those who know him best, local resident Trent Wakefield, 32, is happily half-assing his way through life.

"Trent's a great guy," said his best friend, Alan Morse, 34. "It's just that he has this annoying habit of starting something, then never seeing it all the way through to the end. It could be a video game he's losing, a self-help book he's reading, an assignment at his part-time job. And I can't tell you how many times he's promised a girl dinner and a movie, then ditched her as soon as dessert was over."

Recently, though, Trent began to fancy himself a bit of an outdoorsman. He went on a veritable shopping spree, purchasing a used, two-wheel drive Kia Sportage, and picking up a shelter-half and a single-barrel shotgun at a local sporting goods store.

"It's even worse now that he thinks he's Barack Obama or something," Morse said. "We made plans for a weekend hike in the foothills, and by Saturday night, Trent was complaining about blisters on one of his feet and demanded we go home. The next weekend we shot skeet, and Trent bowed out halfway through because his shoulder was bruised."

"And that half-marathon he ran?" Morse continued, his anger growing. "It was a full marathon he couldn't finish. But do you see one of those obnoxious '26.2' stickers on my car? No. You don't."

The Midwest Ledger left several voicemails with Trent, asking that he speak with us. Several hours later, we received a text message declining our request.

"You know what?" Mr. Morse finally said. "Maybe the guy isn't a half-ass after all. Maybe he's just a total douche."