WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to statistics released today by
the Labor Department, the country's unemployment and neck tattoo rates
unexpectedly remained at 7.8% for a third consecutive month. Department spokesman
Neil Laetner attributed the flatline to a little-known segment of the workforce.
"With the economy humming along at a 0.09% monthly
growth rate," Laetner said, "one would expect a slight down-tick in
the unemployment rate. But one would be wrong. Many people fail to take the
nation's ODI, or Obnoxious Douchebag Index, into consideration."
Mr. Laetner elaborated.
"In layman's terms, ODI is the baseline against which
all unemployment and neck tattoo data are compared. The OD job market—primarily
the big-box retail, fast food, and logistics sectors—is volatile to begin with.
Introduce hundreds of thousands of douches who have no business putting ink on
their neck," Laetner said, chuckling, "and you've got yourself a good
ol' fashioned poo-storm."
Laetner went on to explain that the average OD is employed
no more than 17 days at a time, skewing the job market in favor of those people
with the foresight to not get their neck tattooed.
"Neck ink is all well and good for a small segment of
the population—athletes, felons, musicians, and, of course, tattoo artists. But
when your typical OD with neck tats has a penchant for clocking in an hour late
for work, smoking his lunch, and screaming at his girlfriend in the middle of
the lawn and garden section...Well, you can see where that 17-day average comes
from."
According to Laetner, projections indicate the unemployment
and neck tattoo rates will remain closely linked far into the future.
"With the questionable economy coupled with
questionable decisions made by questionable people," he said,
"there's no reason to think otherwise."
