NEW ORLEANS, LA—In an attempt to deter the violence that
occurs every year when the public is bombarded with two straight weeks of
football-related human-interest stories leading up to the Super Bowl, Congress
agreed today on a moratorium that prohibits any mention of the fact that San
Francisco 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh and Baltimore Ravens head coach John
Harbaugh are brothers.
"I swear to God," Niners fan Steven Winchell said
at the Waterfront Pub and Grill in San
Francisco. "I'm a Niners fan, through and
through. But if I hear one more commentator mention that those guys are
brothers, I'll shoot someone in the face."
"I'm a mild-mannered guy," Winchell added.
"But I'll go right out that door, find a shady-looking character, have him
track down a gun for me, buy said gun at an undoubtedly insanely marked-up
price, then cap the first person I see. Right in the damn face."
Similar threats of violence, and unfortunately, real
violence, occurred in 2006 during the lead-up to Super Bowl XL between the
Pittsburgh Steelers and Seattle Seahawks. For two solid weeks, the fact that
the game was to be played in Detroit and that
beloved Steelers running back Jerome Bettis, a native of Detroit, was to retire after the game, ran on
a continuous loop in every conceivable media outlet.
The resultant riots claimed 27,349 lives and caused over
$350 billion dollars in property damage nationally.
