PLATTSBURGH, NY—In a move that unnerved even his staunchest
supporters, President Obama and his family today abruptly left the White House
and flew to upstate New York
to meet with the producers of the popular television program "Doomsday
Preppers."
"Let me be clear," President Obama said in a video
broadcast from an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. "My
subjects, er, fellow Americans have nothing to fear. Though I'll admit the
unexpected drop of the quarterly GDP into negative territory isn't the best of
news, it could be worse. In fact, according to the economic experts I've just
met with, it could be much worse."
The president then detailed a three-point plan designed to
get the nation's economy humming again.
"First, I plan to drag the Second Amendment issue out
as long as possible. This will stimulate gun and ammunition sales even further,
as well as ensure that gun ranges and gun safety classes are bursting at the
seams.
"Second, I will encourage every American to purchase
mass amounts of non-perishable food items, which will help grow the retail and
logistics sectors, among others. I'm talking canned foods, dehydrated and
powdered foods, MREs. And don't forget your liquids—plenty of bottled water,
coffee, tea. Alcohol if you're so inclined, or if you'd like a bartering tool,
er, to throw a party. Also, seeds wouldn't be a bad idea.
"And lastly, I will encourage every American to stock
up on precious metals and stones. This will give a shot in the arm to the
jewelry, rare coin, and mining industries, to name just a few. Won't your wife
or husband or transgender lover be thrilled when you show he or she or it a
24-karat gold necklace or a collection of pre-1964 silver coins?"
When asked when he and his family would return to Washington and begin
hammering out legislation, President Obama failed to give a specific time or
date.
"Me, Michelle, and the girls are really enjoying our
time up here in extreme northern New
York state. We especially love the relative isolation
of the community, the enormous fresh water source of Lake Champlain, and the
close proximity of the economically viable nation of Canada. To be completely honest, I
don't know when we'll be back.
"In fact, don't wait up for us."
