WASHINGTON, D.C.—Yesterday, Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta,
with a simple stroke of his pen, brought an end to the "War on
Women," a battle that had been raging since supporters of the Democratic
Party invented it sometime during the 2012 presidential campaign.
"Fortunately," Secretary Panetta said, "no
women were killed or even injured during the conflict. However, several dozen
reported being mildly inconvenienced."
Panetta continued.
"It is our hope that letting women finally join the
front lines of our military will ensure equality within the ranks of every
branch, both in pay and in the opportunity to become targeted by our enemies
around the globe."
"It is certainly a great leap forward," agreed
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who has the same amount of military
experience as Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama.
"These women, who were already being paid the same as
men, will now be released from their binders, equipped with ill-fitting body armor,
and sent to the most back-assward ratholes the world has to offer."
"I hate to toot my own horn," Secretary Clinton
added, smiling shyly, "but thanks in part to me, women will soon have the
pleasure of risking their lives in emerging markets such as Algeria, Mali,
and even Mauritania.
Isn't it just wonderful?"
At press time, President Obama was unavailable for
comment.
