CHICAGO, IL—The Dow Jones Industrial Average topped the
13,700-point barrier today—its highest close in five years—local resident Ely
Chambers noted as he burned several copies of the Wall Street Journal to
provide warmth for himself, his wife, and his three-year-old daughter.
"Huh," Mr. Chambers elaborated. "How about
that?"
Ely, his wife, Angela, and their daughter, Taisha, have been
squatting in a long-ago boarded-up real estate office on the city's dangerous
South Side ever since they were laid off from their respective jobs just days
after Taisha's first birthday.
"Bad timing, am I right?" asked a cold and
frightened but smiling Angela. "I mean, our 401(k)s combined would be in the
five figures by now, assuming we still had our jobs."
The Chambers family huddled around the rusty 55-gallon drum
that serves as both their heat source and their toilet.
"It's a trick I learned during my four tours in Iraq and Afghanistan," Ely said with
obvious pride. "Burning your urine and fecal matter for hygiene reasons is
just common sense. But if you can get some warmth out of it? Hell, that's what
I call a bonus."
"You should email President Obama with that idea, babe!"
Angela said.
"I did. Two years ago."
