LAFAYETTE,
LA—Former college football
standout and NFL number one pick JaMarcus Russell recently announced his
intention to return to Taco Bell, the company he latched on with after his days
in Raider silver and black ended.
"It won't be easy," the former quarterback
admitted as he walked on a treadmill in his home gym.
"First off, I'll have to find a franchise willing to
give me another chance. As you probably know, things didn't end too well the
last time me and 'The Bell' parted ways."
Russell seemed destined for stardom when he joined the Taco
Bell crew at the intersection of 38th
Street and Central Avenue in Oakland. He advanced from cleanup duty to
burrito-wrapper to cashier in fewer than three weeks, a franchise record. A
shot at a coveted Assistant Manager position seemed guaranteed.
Unfortunately, Russell's old demons came back to haunt him.
"Truth be told," Russell said, wiping his brow,
"I ate myself out of Taco Bell. I had the misfortune of joining the
organization as it was making the transition from regular cheddar cheese to
'melty' cheese. Cheddar I could deal with, but melty? A man's only got so much
willpower."
Russell languished with the organization for another three
months, during which he gained forty pounds. His average transaction time went
from a crew-best 37 seconds to an excruciatingly slow two minutes and eight
seconds. With little fanfare, the franchise cut him soon afterward.
"So many people say I can't do it, that I can't come
back," Russell said, biting into a Taco Bell XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito,
"but mmph purffle ur
frong."
