FLINT, MI—Despite appearing to be of at least
average intelligence, it seems American filmmaker Michael Moore is completely
unaware that he is the very personification of that which he rails against
most.
"I don't get it," said local resident Terry Klein.
"I saw 'Roger and Me,' and Moore
was going on and on about how evil rich executives are. But doesn't Moore have like fifty
million bucks now? At least? He could single-handedly fix up those
neighborhoods he was crying about. But I bet he hasn't."
"I mean really," Klein went on. "If I went up
to one of those guys you see at the beach that draw caricatures and asked him
to draw American excess in human form, he would draw Michael Moore's fat ass
without missing a beat."
"And you know in political cartoons how they show
congressmen as fat pigs carrying those big sacks with dollar signs printed on
the side of them? That's what Michael Moore looked like that time he wore a suit
on TV."
"And when foreigners think of the typical
American," Klein continued, "what do they think of? Fat, rich,
overbearing slobs who have a heightened sense of intellectual superiority for
absolutely no reason whatsoever."
"I mean, damn. That's Moore in a nutshell."
Dr. Bonnie Leonard, a psychiatrist with the Flint School
District, sees things a little differently.
"Oftentimes, when a person like Mr. Moore allows
himself to reach such an unhealthy weight, it is the result of decades of
self-hatred. I imagine he was teased and bullied in school, and that he wasn't
very successful attracting the opposite sex. Food and controversial documentary
filmmaking are his only releases, the only things that make him feel alive and
worthy of the praise of others. But perhaps I'm wrong."
"Perhaps he's just a living, heavily-breathing
caricature of American excess."
