SANTA BARBARA, CA—In an attempt to reduce a budget deficit that
threatens to bring state operations to a grinding halt, California
today reached a preliminary agreement with Russia on the use of its
less-desirable land as intercontinental ballistic missile fodder in exchange
for monetary considerations.
The southern desert region, specifically Riverside
and San Bernardino
Counties, is first on the
auction block.
"We expect the wasteland in these counties to be
scooped up first," said Clover Simmons, director of Green Going Forward,
an environmental think tank headquartered at a commune north of Santa Barbara. "At
$100 an acre, the Russians can afford to dial in their targeting systems to
their hearts' content."
If the Russians want to study the effects of nuclear
annihilation in a more urban area, however, they're going to have to up the
ante, Simmons intimated.
"We aren't getting too attached to some of our
mid-sized Central Valley communities," she
said with a laugh. "Some of the towns there range between 50,000 and 400,000
residents, so they're going to be prime real estate if and when our new
partners decide they want to see firsthand the impact a nuclear explosion can
have on a population center. We're talking $1000, maybe $1500 an acre. Modesto, Bakersfield, Merced. Places like that
are a veritable gold mine."
Simmons went on to say that, yes, hundreds of thousands of
lives would be lost, but, "there are still many, many wonderful towns in
the Golden State that are not currently in an
ICBM's cross-hairs."
Ms. Simmons estimates that the thermonuclear destruction and
irradiation of vast swaths of California
will generate upwards of $75 million, some of which will go toward the state's
$9 billion budget shortfall. However, most of the money is slated to fund wind
power and alternative fuel research.
"The benefits of this deal are twofold," Simmons
said. "First and foremost, we'll raise money—after taxes, of course—for
green energy. A secondary effect is that California
will single-handedly reduce the world's nuclear stockpiles by upwards of 40
percent."
