READING,
PA—Pathetic local resident Howard
Friedman, 44, has taken a little-known scale that measures the spiciness of
peppers and now uses it to assess the attractiveness of every woman he sees.
"See that one over there?" the dangerously
overweight Friedman said, pointing at a thirty-something blonde woman
corralling her two young children into a dentist's office across the street.
"She's okay. I'll give her a 6,000. Maybe 7,000."
Friedman is a connoisseur of sorts. After burning down his
studio apartment five years ago while cooking chili, he now resigns himself to
sampling the work of others. In fact, he's gained a reputation among locals as a
keen judge of spiciness at cook-offs.
"It's not much of a stretch to go from chili to women,
am I right?" Friedman asked with barely-contained mirth. "Both are
hot and spicy, but the next morning, you regret eating them!"
Friedman's friends, if he had any, would most likely frown
upon their friend's objectification of women. But Friedman has a retort for
them.
"Hey, man," he tells his hypothetical friends.
"You think women don't objectify us? Then you're nuts. I can't tell you
how many of your sweet, innocent women have objectified me. Hell, one might be objectifying
me right now." Friedman paused long enough to look up and down Penn Way,
presumably to ascertain if any women were, in fact, objectifying him.
"Well, not right now," he admitted. "But it
ain't even the weekend yet."
