NEW ORLEANS, LA—The preliminary results of a seven-year
study find that, contrary to popular belief, an American president's skin color
has no bearing on whether or not he will be competent enough to handle a
devastating natural disaster.
"Believe me," said study coordinator Dr. David
Reyes. "We're just as shocked as you are."
Reyes, professor of Social Sciences at Louisiana
State University,
teamed up with a group at Princeton
University to collect and
analyze the data.
"Although the sample size of two is admittedly
small," Reyes said, "our team has concluded that neither the skin
color of the most powerful person in the world nor that of the people most
affected by a given natural disaster matters at all when a gigantic storm surge
is heading toward a vulnerable, low-lying area. In such a case, all parties are
equally screwed."
"We wish there was a simpler explanation as to why,
even with a week's forewarning," Dr. Reyes continued, "hundreds of
thousands of U.S.
citizens must endure third-world conditions for weeks or months while the
president and the rest of the government attempt to pry their collective head
out of their ass."
"Maybe they could have a bunch of utility vehicles and
personnel on standby just outside the storm's path, ready to start restoring
power as soon as it's safe to do so?" Dr. Reyes went on, shrugging.
"A few dozen helicopters set to take flight in case roads and runways are
impassable? Then bring in the bulldozers? Just my two cents. But I'm just a
lowly professor, not the President of the United States or the head of
FEMA."
"In conclusion, move inland," Reyes advised.
"But watch out for tornadoes."
