WASHINGTON,
D.C.—In an attempt to keep itself
afloat for another couple of months, the United States Postal Service today
raised the price of a first-class stamp from 45 cents to 46 cents.
"We feel that by upping the rate for first-class
postage by a penny," Deputy Assistant to the Postmaster General Patricia
Anderson said, "we can keep this Ponzi scheme going for another 50, maybe
60 days."
"Then we'll just get another 'loan' from
Congress."
The USPS, $15 billion in debt and counting, has suffered
losses for years due to its failure to keep up with constantly advancing
technology, as well as its inability to match the efficiency of its
private-sector competitors.
When asked if the USPS had any plans to reduce its debt
other than by raising rates and laying off unneeded, redundant workers, an
incredulous Anderson
asked, "Why?"
"Look," Anderson
elaborated. "Who else is going to get your Aunt Mildred's birthday card
from San Francisco to Boca Raton in four days for less than half a
buck? Nobody, that's who. And that is precisely why we have the entire nation
held securely by the balls."
"Besides, do you think President Obama is going to let
this listing ship sink? Hell no! He'll just bypass Congress and issue an
executive order releasing taxpayer funds to fix this decades-in-the-making
mess."
"Then he'll tack on another $25 billion in earmarked
pork, just as an extra 'screw you'," Anderson
added.
"Ain't America
great?"
