NEW YORK CITY—At
an impromptu press conference this afternoon, Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced
a bold new initiative aimed at minimizing the use of toilet tissue by his
constituents.
"Even in a city as environmentally-conscious as New York,"
Bloomberg said during a Midtown charity luncheon, "countless tons of
toilet tissue are wasted every year. As much as I'd like to personally monitor
the millions of bowel movements that take place in our fine city each day, it
just isn't feasible. However, thanks to modern technology, I'm able to provide
our citizens with the next best thing."
While his fellow diners applauded, Mayor Bloomberg reached
beneath his chair and produced a roll of white toilet paper mounted on a
customized dispenser.
"This dispenser allows for three sheets of single-ply
toilet tissue per use, free of charge. Any additional usage is detected and
tallied by an infrared sensing unit. At the end of each month, any overages
will become subject to the city's new Empire State Hygiene Incentive Tax, or
E-SHIT."
"In addition," Bloomberg continued, "my
pre-recorded voice will provide helpful hints on how you can minimize your
family's need for toilet paper. For instance, I may suggest a more roughage-centric
diet or even a gentle laxative if I feel you're using more than your fair share
of tissue. It will almost be like I'm right there in the bathroom with you,
watching as you evacuate your bowels."
Bloomberg added that he'd like to "spread the E-SHIT
program all over New York
as soon as possible," citing increased revenue for the state as well as
"a healthy concern for my fellow citizens."
