WASHINGTON,
D.C.—In his boldest statement to
date in support of gay marriage, President Barack Obama today finalized divorce
papers against his wife Michelle, then immediately exchanged wedding vows with
former Massachusetts Senator Barney Frank.
"Let me be queer, er, clear," the now-openly gay
Obama said at a hastily-assembled White House press conference. "Michelle
and I have had our differences over the years, mainly in regards to her hair.
What she did to me at Monday's inauguration was inexcusable. To show up with
that...thing atop her already questionable-looking head? I don't think so,
Prince Valiant. I signed off on the divorce papers as soon as we finished our
final scripted night together."
As a baffled press corps looked on, President Obama smiled
at the new Mr. Obama, gave his hand a gentle squeeze, then planted a wet,
loving kiss on the 72-year-old man's mouth.
"I just want to let all of you young people out there
struggling with your sexuality to know," the president continued when he
was able to pull himself away from Barney Obama's embrace, "that you have
nothing to be ashamed of. Thomas Jefferson would've wanted it this way."
At press time, Gallup
reported a three-point increase in President Obama's favorability rating among
homosexuals aged 18-24.
