Fecal Matter in 98% of Carney's Words, Study Finds

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A nearly five-year-long study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control has found that ninety-eight percent of the words that emanate from White House press secretary Jay Carney's mouth contain at least a small amount of fecal matter.

"I knew it all along," said Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA). "In fact, the Republicans have been trying to warn the American public of this very threat since early in 2009."

Despite contrarian statements from Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Vice President Joe Biden, and even President Obama himself, CDC spokesperson Angela Soto has confirmed that the centers' findings are indeed fact.

"Yes, it's true," Soto said at a hastily-assembled press conference this evening. "For nearly five years now, every single one of the 315-plus million people in this country and perhaps as many as six billion people worldwide have been exposed to the cocktail of toxins that have leapt forth from Mr. Carney's mouth since January, 2009."

Soto advised those concerned with contracting cholera, E. coli, ignorance, or any other ailments from Carney's excrement-spewing disease-hole can take one simple precaution that guarantees one hundred percent immunity from infection.

"When you see that smiling face of condescension appear on your television screen," Mrs. Soto said, "just turn it off. Go outside. Walk the dog. Wash your car. Buy your kids a couple of ice cream cones. But for heaven's sake, don't put yourself within spritz range of that fraud."

At press time, Mrs. Soto was unable to send or receive phone calls or emails because her laptop, work computer, iPhone, and tablet were being hacked by the IRS, DOJ, and DNC.

Home Brewer Cracks Milwaukee's Starting Rotation

MILWAUKEE, WI—Matt Grossman, 39, is fulfilling a dream dreamed by every red-blooded American boy since the New York Baseball Club took the field against the Knickerbockers in the first baseball game way back in 1846.

Matt Grossman will take the mound tonight when the Milwaukee Brewers face off against the Minnesota Twins.

"Hell yeah, it was a surprise," Grossman intimated in the home team's locker room at Miller Park. "One day I'm eating a bratwurst and pounding beers with my boys down the third base line, the next I'm up against Mauer and Morneau. It's crazy."

Grossman, an out-of-work guidance counselor who sells home-brewed craft beer out of his studio apartment in Madison, caught the eye of Brewers manager Ron Roenicke when the inebriated fan hit Pittsburgh Pirates left fielder Starling Marte flush in the temple with a bag of peanuts during the eighth inning of Sunday night's loss.

"Velocity-wise, the pitch left a little to be desired," Roenicke admitted. "But the last-minute movement you want to see was there, so we decided to give the kid a shot."

Grossman, who participated in Little League ball, is hoping to stabilize a Brewers rotation that has been one of the worst in the major leagues this season.

"We suck," Grossman said as he forced his pudgy feet into baseball spikes for the first time in 30 years. "We're dead last. That ain't gonna cut it. But I think I have what it takes to turn this thing around."

At press time, Grossman was being removed from the game after giving up 11 runs and committing four errors without retiring a batter.

Tin Foil Sales Up 400%

NEW YORK, NY—Reynolds Wrap, long one of America's best-selling aluminum foil producers, has seen a four-fold increase in monthly sales over the same period last year, public relations spokesperson Bethany Lane confirmed.

"It's been a hectic last couple of weeks, that's for sure," Ms. Lane said at a regularly-scheduled shareholders' meeting in Mid-Town. "All our plants are running at full capacity twenty-four-seven just to keep up with demand. If this continues, expect Reynolds Wrap to hire upwards of a thousand new employees in the coming weeks. There's even talk of opening at least one new plant."

When asked what was driving the record-setting sales, Ms. Lane laughed.

"You watch the news, don't you?" she asked. "It sure as heck looks like the so-called 'tin-foil crowd' has been on to something regarding the current president's administration."

"I mean, come on," Lane continued. "Using the IRS to target your political opponents? Having your buddy the Attorney General sign off on covert investigations of law-abiding journalists? And don't even get me started on Benghazi or Fast and Furious."

Ms. Lane removed a roll of Reynolds Wrap from her handbag and peeled off a long strip before fashioning it into a simple triangular hat and placing it atop her head.

"If I were you, I'd be doing the same thing," she warned the assembled investors. "If these scandals are the ones they'll sort of admit to, can you imagine what's really going on at the White House?"

"Hell," Ms. Lane added. "I'm starting to regret voting for the guy twice."

Lois Lerner Consults Martha Stewart on Prison Life

WASHINGTON, D.C.— Perhaps sensing that her days as a free woman are numbered, embattled IRS Director of Exempt Organizations Lois Lerner today talked incarceration with lifestyle maven and former federal prisoner Martha Stewart at a hotel just outside the Beltway.

"Indeed, those were trying times for me," Stewart told Lerner as they sipped Earl Grey from Victorian era teacups in Lerner's room at the Radcliffe Inn. "The loneliness, the fear for one's safety, the bland, amorphous cuisine. It certainly was the longest five months of my life."

Lerner, who will likely be one of many sacrificial lambs led to the proverbial slaughter by Obama administration officials hell-bent on keeping the president's name away from the countless scandals rocking D.C., asked Stewart how she should conduct herself behind bars.

"Always walk with your back straight and your head held high," Stewart advised. "Any fellow prisoner looking to start trouble will simply move on to an easier target. Unfortunately, I learned that bit of wisdom the hard way."

As Lerner listened intently, Stewart related to her the tale of her first confrontation with another prisoner, provoked, Stewart says, by her own downcast demeanor and defeatist attitude.

"The woman was twice my size and covered with tattoos," Stewart said while refilling their teacups. "Needless to say, I was terrified when she approached me in a threatening manner. Luckily, I'd fashioned a simple shiv using a toothbrush handle, some electrical tape, and a sturdy piece of glass. It worked like a charm," Stewart said, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. "I cut that bitch good."

"Because when all is said and done, nobody messes with Martha [expletive] Stewart."

"I hope my advice has been helpful, dear," Stewart added, gently patting Lerner's hand.

Douchebag Still Has Window Sticker on New Car

DAYTON, OH—Despite finalizing the lease agreement on his 2013 Audi A6 Quattro sedan a full three days ago, local dipshit Aaron Coleman has yet to remove the dealership's line-item sticker from the rear passenger-side window.

"It's like he wants us all to know that his fancy new car has heated seats and mirrors," said Derivative Mortgage co-worker Jessie Ferguson-Hall, 37. "Duh, Andy. You told us that two days ago."

In addition to the above-mentioned accoutrements, Mr. Coleman's sleek piece of German machinery rolled off the factory line with a 7.7-inch in-dash monitor, 310 horsepower, and 20-inch chrome rims.

"Coleman's such a douchebag," noted next-door neighbor Will Reynolds, 51. "The guy came over for a couple beers last week and I let it slip that me and [wife] Maggie are having financial trouble. Three days later, the son of a bitch has that bright red, fifty-five-thousand-dollar piece of heaven parked in his driveway. He even backed in so I couldn't miss the sticker price. Asshole."

Derivative Mortgage intern Monica Sloan, 21, had a completely different take on Mr. Coleman's new car.

"A lease?" the incredulous Ms. Sloan asked. "Eww! The guy's like thirty and he can't even afford to buy a car? I'm so canceling our date."

"Eww!" Ms. Sloan elaborated.

Media Fitted For New Cheerleader Uniforms

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Slowly but surely, temperatures in the D.C. area are creeping higher. Soon spring will shove winter's chill away and the cherry blossoms will be in full bloom. With that in mind, the White House announced today that the media's cheerleader uniforms will be fully revamped for the upcoming political season.

"We're going with something completely different for President Obama's historic second term," lead designer Greg LaVerne said from a makeshift stage in the Rose Garden. "More color, more sass, more oompf!"

As bass-heavy club music thumped in the background, Mr. LaVerne introduced the models and their stunning new ensembles.

"Ms. Maddow is wearing what I like to call the road uniform," Mr. LaVerne said. "You'll notice the top is lower-cut than it was last year, and the skirt is frillier and more feminine. And doesn't the new red-and-yellow motif just pop?

"Next we have Chris Matthews," LaVerne said as Mr. Matthews strutted onto the stage. "Chris is wearing the home uniform, as you can plainly see. The Obama logo is prominent on the front of the tank top. Between the logo and Chris' midriff, you'll be delighted to see the word 'Forward' stitched in a gorgeous flowing script.

"And I know you all noticed the extremely short skirt," Mr. LaVerve added as Chris Matthews bumped and grinded away. "Now you'll be able to see the tingle go all the way up his leg!"

USDA Testing Meat For Canine DNA

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move it insists is unrelated to the recent discovery of horse DNA in beef from several suppliers in Europe, the United States Department of Agriculture announced today that it has begun testing for canine DNA at a handful of beef processing facilities in the mid-Atlantic region.

"First and foremost," said USDA spokeswoman Bonnie Wheeler-Paul, "we want to let the public know that there are absolutely no health risks involved with this testing, which will affect just a tiny percentage of the beef processed daily in the U.S. I know the timing is a bit alarming, coming on the heels of the horse meat scare in Europe. But I assure you, there is nothing to be concerned about. We are simply following orders from higher up."

Later, White House press secretary Jay Carney filled in a few of the blanks.

"Yes, an individual at the White House requested that we test some local processors for canine DNA," a clearly perturbed Carney said. "I can't say exactly who it was, but rest assured that—"

"Jay!" President Barack Obama said, approaching the podium with a Titleist visor perched jauntily atop his head. "You got my text message, right? About the Indonesian delicacy I was hoping you'd get me for dinner? I wasn't barking up the wrong tree, was I?"

"No, sir," Mr. Carney replied before whispering something into the president's ear. Mr. Obama nudged Carney aside and spoke into the microphone.

"Let me be clear," Obama said. "Although we have yet to find any evidence of canine meat in any of the beef tested at any of the nearby facilities today, I want to assure the American people that I am steadfastly dedicated to this cause, and that I will not rest until the majority of meat in this country comes from this adorable, loyal, and exceedingly tasty source."

President Obama then left to make travel arrangements for the 2014 Westminster Dog Show.