WASHINGTON, D.C.—A nearly five-year-long study conducted by
the Centers for Disease Control has found that ninety-eight percent of the
words that emanate from White House press secretary Jay Carney's mouth contain
at least a small amount of fecal matter.
"I knew it all along," said Rep. Darrell Issa
(R-CA). "In fact, the Republicans have been trying to warn the American
public of this very threat since early in 2009."
Despite contrarian statements from Rep. Nancy Pelosi, Vice
President Joe Biden, and even President Obama himself, CDC spokesperson Angela
Soto has confirmed that the centers' findings are indeed fact.
"Yes, it's true," Soto said at a hastily-assembled
press conference this evening. "For nearly five years now, every single
one of the 315-plus million people in this country and perhaps as many as six
billion people worldwide have been exposed to the cocktail of toxins that have leapt forth from Mr. Carney's mouth since January, 2009."
Soto advised those concerned with contracting cholera, E. coli,
ignorance, or any other ailments from Carney's excrement-spewing disease-hole
can take one simple precaution that guarantees one hundred percent immunity
from infection.
"When you see that smiling face of condescension appear
on your television screen," Mrs. Soto said, "just turn it off. Go
outside. Walk the dog. Wash your car. Buy your kids a couple of ice cream cones.
But for heaven's sake, don't put yourself within spritz range of that
fraud."
