Violence Erupts in Egypt Because It's Egypt

CAIRO, EGYPT—Dozens of people were killed and hundreds more were injured today as a result of violence that erupted in Egypt due to the fact that it's Egypt.

"I wish I could tell you there's a better reason for all this bloodshed and destruction," said a 19-year-old man who wished to remain unidentified. "But the sad truth is that it's just Egypt being Egypt."

"I mean, think about it," the man continued as he threw a chunk of concrete at a slowly-advancing line of riot police. "We're on the verge of going through our third regime change in two years, which is pretty stressful in and of itself. Plus, the job market for young people like me is virtually nonexistent."

While the man backpedaled and set fire to a rag stuck in a bottle half-full of gasoline, he ticked off a laundry list of additional reasons why life in Egypt is so difficult.

"The heat, the sand, the rigid religiosity. Don't get me wrong, I believe faith can be a wonderful motivational tool for many people," the young man said, throwing his Molotov cocktail and watching it explode just in front of the policemen. "But they go way too far here. There's no freedom."

As the man turned and broke into a jog, then an all-out sprint, he offered a possible solution to the ills of Egypt and the rest of the Middle East.

"Instead of bombing terrorist training camps and other military targets, the U.N. and the U.S. should drop back issues of Hustler and cases of Natty Light all over the region. That would loosen the place up pretty quickly."

Before The Midwest Ledger could ask the young man to elaborate, he was shot and killed by a uniformed man who may have been a police officer. Or a terrorist. Or maybe just a cab driver. Who knows. 

Clinton, Menendez Arrested Following Wild Retirement Party

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Outgoing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez were among four people arrested at a Super 8 Motel off Interstate 395 early this morning following a raucous retirement party in Mrs. Clinton's honor.

Clinton, who officially resigned her post on Friday and handed the reins of her Cabinet position to John Kerry, appeared glassy-eyed and disheveled in a booking photo taken an hour before husband Bill posted bail at 8:03am.

"Aww, we were just havin' a li'l fun," the former First Lady of the United States insisted as Bill and a squadron of secret service agents led her to a waiting limousine. "Me and Bobby go way back. Ha! That guy really knows how to par-tay!"

Mrs. Clinton explained that she and Sen. Menendez were enjoying libations at Taft's Tub, a politically-themed bar and grill adjacent to the motel.

"We was gettin' a little bored, so Bobby called a couple chicks he knows," Mrs. Clinton said. "They were like Mexican or Puerto Rican or somethin'. Anyway, the girls get there, but they don't have no valid IDs, so me and Bobby and them take the party back to the Super 8."

In addition to public drunkenness, disturbing the peace, and indecent exposure, the four were charged with destruction of private property.

"Some people ain't got no sense of humor," Mrs. Clinton argued as her husband helped her into the limousine. "Throwin' a mini-fridge through a window when it runs out of booze is funny! But I guess the man don't think so."

After assuring his wife that Sen. Menendez and his "nieces," as they were referred to as in the police report, had also made bail, Bill urged Hillary to take a nap, then gently shut the limo door.

"I'm sorry about that, ya'll," Mr. Clinton said. "Hill's a good woman, but sometimes she just goes out there and makes a complete fool of herself on the national stage."    

Socialist Experiment Ends in Violence

LINCOLN, NE—What started out as a simple group project in a University of Nebraska political science classroom ended in bloodshed today when one of the group's participants became enraged with the lack of effort displayed by his colleagues.

"Lazy douchebag," said freshman Joseph Mott, 18, as he clenched and unclenched his swollen right hand. "He's lucky I only hit him once."

The trouble began two weeks ago when Mott was placed in a group assigned to put together a ten-minute presentation on the history of capital punishment. Very quickly, Mott realized that he would end up doing a great deal more than his fair share of the work.

"I knew Brandon [Roberts] was an idiot," Mott said, "based on questions he'd asked in class before. 'Why were they called Whigs? Was it because of those white things they wore on their heads?' Moronic stuff like that. The two girls assigned to our group were pretty quiet, so it took me a minute of brainstorming with them to realize that they, too, were retards."

As he'd known he'd have to do the second the words "group project" escaped his professor's mouth, Mott took the lead, conducting the bulk of the research and attempting to follow up with the others on their respective parts of the assignment.

"It was pointless," Mott said, recalling his efforts to contact his fellow group members. "The only semblance of a response I got was when one of the girls texted "im so durnk" to me at two in the morning."

Needless to say, their presentation was less than stellar.

"We got a B-minus, so it wasn't the end of the world," Mott admitted. "But the point is that I'm in college now and I thought my days of doing 95% of the work to get an A or 25% of the work to get a C- were behind me. I guess it never ends, does it?"

"When my knuckles heal," Mott added, "I'm going to track down the sadist who invented group projects."

Hagel Has 85% Approval Rating Among Islamic Terrorists

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Despite stumbling his way through a grueling afternoon of testimony in front of a Senate confirmation committee today, former Nebraska senator and current Secretary of Defense nominee Chuck Hagel still enjoys an astronomical 85% approval rating among those who wish to do harm to Israel and the United States.

"I try not to get too political," Mahmoud Sayed, 24, said from a terrorist training camp in Yemen. "But in Hagel's case, I'll make an exception."

Sayed went on to say that Hagel is "not quite as anti-Israel as I'd like him to be, but still pretty close," and that "if I'm ever elected to the U.S. Senate, Allah willing, I would gladly confirm a man of similar values. But not a woman. Never a woman."

Rashan Rashan, a brother-in-arms of Mr. Sayed, agreed.

"Death to Israel! Death to America!" shouted the lively go-getter.

Back in Washington, former vice president Al Gore echoed the feelings of Sayed and Rashan.

"I feel that the nomination of Chuck Hagel as Secretary of Defense would be a great benefit to Israel," Gore said as he counted an enormous wad of oil-stained hundred dollar bills.

"Why, his name rhymes with 'bagel,' and them people like those, don't they?"

Obama, Doomsday Preppers Discuss Economy

PLATTSBURGH, NY—In a move that unnerved even his staunchest supporters, President Obama and his family today abruptly left the White House and flew to upstate New York to meet with the producers of the popular television program "Doomsday Preppers."

"Let me be clear," President Obama said in a video broadcast from an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. "My subjects, er, fellow Americans have nothing to fear. Though I'll admit the unexpected drop of the quarterly GDP into negative territory isn't the best of news, it could be worse. In fact, according to the economic experts I've just met with, it could be much worse."

The president then detailed a three-point plan designed to get the nation's economy humming again.

"First, I plan to drag the Second Amendment issue out as long as possible. This will stimulate gun and ammunition sales even further, as well as ensure that gun ranges and gun safety classes are bursting at the seams.

"Second, I will encourage every American to purchase mass amounts of non-perishable food items, which will help grow the retail and logistics sectors, among others. I'm talking canned foods, dehydrated and powdered foods, MREs. And don't forget your liquids—plenty of bottled water, coffee, tea. Alcohol if you're so inclined, or if you'd like a bartering tool, er, to throw a party. Also, seeds wouldn't be a bad idea.

"And lastly, I will encourage every American to stock up on precious metals and stones. This will give a shot in the arm to the jewelry, rare coin, and mining industries, to name just a few. Won't your wife or husband or transgender lover be thrilled when you show he or she or it a 24-karat gold necklace or a collection of pre-1964 silver coins?"

When asked when he and his family would return to Washington and begin hammering out legislation, President Obama failed to give a specific time or date.

"Me, Michelle, and the girls are really enjoying our time up here in extreme northern New York state. We especially love the relative isolation of the community, the enormous fresh water source of Lake Champlain, and the close proximity of the economically viable nation of Canada. To be completely honest, I don't know when we'll be back.

"In fact, don't wait up for us."

Endangered Species Support Keystone XL Pipeline

SAND HILLS, NE—Despite emotional protests from environmental groups around the country, the vast majority of residents actually living in the region that could be affected by the Keystone XL pipeline are in favor of building it.

"The technology isn't as iffy as it was twenty, thirty years ago," said a phyllopod shrimp, a long-time denizen of Sand Hills. "I mean, sure, there might be some guys in boots walking around, but it's no skin off my ass if they just watch their step. No need to cancel the whole thing."

"I'm with the shrimp," agreed a blowout penstemon, a tiny regional plant. "And that's coming from someone on the endangered species list. If I don't get run over by a truck, I'll get eaten by grazing cattle. What's the damn difference?"

The Midwest Ledger was lucky enough to happen upon a Western Meadowlark, the Nebraska state bird and a year-round resident of Sand Hills.

"Let me get this straight," the Western Meadowlark said. "You guys have a chance to extend an oil pipeline that will create 20,000 jobs in a moribund economy, generate untold billions of dollars for the country, and lessen America's dependence on foreign oil from hostile nations? Why wasn't this thing done yesterday?"

When told that the pipeline might endanger the region's flora and fauna, the Western Meadowlark burst out laughing.

"Are you kidding me?"

The Meadowlark eventually composed itself, shook its head, then ate the shrimp, defecated on the blowout penstemon, and flew away.

Obama Consults Expectant Mothers, Fetuses on Economy

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Following up on his successful use of children to bring attention to the issue of gun control, President Obama today met with an informal panel of pregnant women at a local "Mommy & Me" prenatal center to talk about the economy.

"Let me be clear," President Obama said, holding up an ultrasound image of one of the mothers' fetuses. "The exploitation, er, utilization of children is what will keep this country great, going forward."

"I've received many sage recommendations from nine- and ten-year-olds over the past several weeks," Obama continued. "But I'm here today to consult with a younger generation, one that isn't as jaded and defeated as the young people I currently surround myself with."

President Obama approached Tamara Jenkins, a 27-year-old pharmaceutical saleswoman expecting her first child late next month. Smiling, Obama crouched before Tamara, placed his hand on her ample belly, and asked, "So, little one. Do you think I should order another round of quantitative easing? Kick once for yes, twice for no."

Seemingly satisfied with the answer, President Obama spoke with a handful of other mothers before taking a seat beside Kaitlyn Phelps, 31, and her daughter Amber, 3.

"I have a very important question for you, Amber," the president said as the girl twirled around in circles, clutching a doll to her chest. "How much money do you think I can add to the deficit this fiscal year without the Republicans threatening to impeach me?"

"This many!" Amber exclaimed, holding up three fingers before falling to the floor in a fit of laughter.

"Thank you, dear," President Obama said, getting to his feet. "Three trillion dollars it is."