WASHINGTON,
D.C.—Ignoring the vociferous
objections of prosecuting attorney Bill McCauley, President Barack Obama late
this evening issued an executive order freeing embattled New England Patriots
tight end Aaron Hernandez from custody.
"Let me be clear," Obama said at a
hastily-assembled press conference in the artificially-lighted Rose Garden. "Although
Mr. Hernandez has been accused of some very, very serious crimes, I felt it
only fair and just that the young man be brought here to plead his case."
A hush fell over the press corps as Hernandez, accused in
the brutal murder of an acquaintance, slowly stepped to the podium. Hernandez
cleared his throat, appeared to wipe a tear from his eye, then said,
"I—"
"Isn't Aaron the greatest?" President Obama
interjected, applauding enthusiastically and nudging Hernandez from the podium.
"To be honest, I thought I was done. The IRS thing. The Benghazi thing. The AP thing. The 'Fast and
Furious' thing. Seriously, guys. I know I have you all wrapped around my
finger," Obama said grinning at the stunned reporters, "but then some
of you Naughty Nellies started doing that journalism thing.
"Phew!" the president elaborated, wiping his brow.
"That was a close one. But thankfully, Mr. Hernandez was brave enough to
step forward and take the spotlight from me, at least temporarily."
Mr. Obama paused long enough to observe the stirring fly-by
of five armed drone aircraft before adding, "On a side note, I'd like to
thank the Supreme Court as well. Their dedication to the whole gay thing
helped, too.
