Right-Wing Nutjob Fears Nuke in Manhattan

WASHINGTON, D.C.—To the utter surprise of no one, a wacky right-wing conspiracy nut displayed his true colors this week when he stated that his greatest fear in life is a nuclear attack on New York City.

"It could totally happen at any time," the wild-eyed, disheveled, pencil-thin man said as he curled up in the fetal position on the floor of the Oval Office. "The economy? Putin? My plummeting approval rating? That's nothing compared to the hell that's going to be unleashed when—not if but when— that mushroom cloud blooms over lower Manhattan."

The man, later identified as President Barack Obama, then burst into tears.

"I just wish there was something I could do," Mr. Obama said, rocking back and forth, back and forth on ground formerly tread upon by the likes of Eisenhower, Kennedy, and Reagan. "Why is this job so hard?"

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney attempted to deflect some of the negative reports leaking out via the blogosphere and other bastions of new media.

"No," a clearly flustered Mr. Carney told the assembled press corps. "There is no imminent threat of nuclear annihilation in the metropolitan New York area. President Obama has simply had a bad go of it recently, and he accidentally let one of his personal thoughts slip from his brain to his mouth, circumventing the teleprompter altogether. It was an honest mistake."

When asked if President Obama's domestic and foreign policies—which have culminated in economic stagnation, a weakened military, and the status of "laughingstock" around the globe—might in some way increase the remote possibility of a "dirty bomb" or other rogue nuclear device being detonated in Manhattan or another American locale, Mr. Carney curled into the fetal position on the Rose Garden lawn.

"I just wish there was something I could do," Mr. Carney said, rocking back and forth, back and forth on ground formerly tread upon by the likes of Brady, Fitzwater, and Snow. "Why is this job so hard?" 

Joseph Hazelwood Named Obamacare Navigator of the Month

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a lavish ceremony at Georgetown University this afternoon, former Exxon Valdez captain Joseph Hazelwood was named Obamacare Navigator of the Month for October 2013.

"Let me be clear," President Barack Obama said in a prerecorded video played for those attending the festivities. "I can't think of a better person to represent the initial rollout of the healthcare plan that bears my name than Joseph Hazelwood. Congratulations, sir."

Mr. Hazelwood is best known for drunkenly piloting the ill-fated Exxon Valdez supertanker, which ran aground in Prince William Sound, Alaska in 1989 and spilled millions of gallons of oil, killing countless innocent living creatures and poisoning the water and land for miles around.

"First of all," a clearly inebriated Mr. Hazelwood said as he accepted his award, "I want to thank President Obama for the opportunity he gave me. At first, I was a little pissed to be demoted from captain to navigator. But then I considered the fact that nobody else has trusted me to scrape barnacles off rowboats, let alone navigate anything, for the past 24 years. And I won't let you down Mr. President," Mr. Hazelwood said, holding his brandy snifter high in the air. "It'll be nothing but smooth sailing ahead."

Mr. Hazelwood then vomited into the orchestra pit before falling off the stage and shattering his pelvis. Unfortunately, he has been unable to log onto the Obamacare website, and will be forced to pay for medical treatment out of his own pocket.

New iPunch App Spells Trouble For Douchebags

CUPERTINO, CA—In yet another instance of giving the public exactly what it wants, Apple today announced the availability of the controversial "iPunch" application for its ubiquitous mobile devices.

"The iPunch app is at the forefront of interactive technology," gushed Apple spokeswoman Candace Fowler. "It gives our customers the ability to walk the streets of any city with the same confidence reserved for VIPs and dignitaries who have the luxury of an at-the-ready team of bodyguards."

Downloadable at iTunes for 99 cents, the iPunch app allows users to contact local persons to come to their aid if confronted by a mugger, a gang of thugs, or even just a garden-variety douchebag.

"Sadly, the adage that when seconds count, the police are minutes away holds true in most large cities," Ms. Fowler said. "That's where iPunch comes in. With just a few swipes of your fingertip, you can have an army of ultra-violent, meth-addled miscreants at your beck and call. Or imagine the look on the face of the guy who cuts you off in traffic when he gets his jaw broken by a recently-released convict. Classic."

Ms. Fowler predicted that iPunch would prove most popular among single women, bullied students, and people with a low tolerance level for assholes.

At press time, Jonathan Martin was signing up for iPunch's Zombie Package and sending a dozen bath salt addicts to Richie Incognito's home.

Porn Industry to Regulate Use of Word 'Star'

CHATSWORTH, CA—In a move designed to eliminate confusion among both its performers and its audience, the multibillion-dollar porn industry today announced its intention to regulate the use of the word "star" when describing the men and women who have sex with each other in front of a camera for money.

"Like, a lot of people are in porn, but honestly, not every single one of them is a star," newcomer Flo Rivers, 19, said. "Of course, I would like to be called a porn star someday, but at the same time I have a lot of respect for the tradition of the industry. So I'll let the fans decide whether or not my performances make me worthy of 'stardom'."

Veteran performer Dick Dragz agreed with Ms. Rivers' assessment of the situation.

"Yeah, ever since this 'reality porn' crap came out, every drunken skank and every limp-dicked college kid with a cell phone and a domain name thinks they're a porn star," Mr. Dragz said, rolling his eyes. "It's [expletive] embarrassing. Then you throw the likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian into the mix, which really blurs the line between stardom and just plain whorishness."

Although industry insiders have yet to agree upon a rating system that accurately identifies who is or isn't a porn star, fans of the smut genre have taken to Twitter and other online outlets to voice their opinions.

"a slut aint a star till she does a tp at least a dp," slickhandDan69 wrote via Twitter. After taking a few moments to reevaluate his stance, Mr. slickhand added, "10 guy bukkake is ok to."

The porn industry released a statement saying it is taking the opinion of each of its fans into account.

Obautocare Bill Passes Senate

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a vote split purely upon party lines, President Barack Obama's follow-up to Obamacare today sailed through the Senate on its way to the House next week.

"Call it whatever you want," a flustered-looking John Boehner said during a smoke break on the Capitol steps. "S.R. 3247, the AWARD [A Warrantied America Rewards Drivers] Act, Obautocare. By any name, it's just another nail in the coffin of this nation's economy."

Despite the rocky launch of Obamacare earlier this month, President Obama insisted upon pushing Obautocare legislation through Congress as soon as possible.

"Let me be clear," the president said, sporting grease-stained overalls and wielding a large crescent wrench. "Other than housing and healthcare, vehicle maintenance takes the biggest chunk out of the average working American's paycheck."

Mr. Obama took a moment to explain the concepts of "working" and "paycheck" to his audience before continuing.

"Therefore, to ease the pain of the middle class, and to ensure they have the means to travel to work and pay tribute, er, put food on their families' tables, I've proposed a law that would make all those fears of sputtering engines and rattling undercarriages a thing of the past.

"For a nominal fee," the president said, "I'll ensure that your vehicle, no matter its age or condition, will be taken care of in its time of need. Of course, you can keep your current mechanic, and I guarantee the cost of his services will drop by at least fifty percent."

When asked what he thought about the legality of Obautocare, Chief Justice John Roberts said, "Oh, I think we'll work something out."

Suspicious Package Prompts Evacuation of Portland Mall

PORTLAND, OR—The Southside Mall, a sprawling center of commerce near downtown Portland, was evacuated this afternoon following the discovery of a suspicious package.

"I saw it just sitting there, and I was all like, what?" Tyler Johnson, 17, said just outside the perimeter set up by the Portland Police Department. "I mean, who just leaves a backpack out in front of Forever 21 like that? Someone could like totally steal it and stuff."

PPD spokeswoman Alice Chandler said the backpack aroused the suspicion of shoppers because of its clean and "obviously new" appearance.

"Typically," Mrs. Chandler said, "backpacks dropped in the Portland metro area are covered in filth. Dirt, mud, sweat stains. And, typically, they're surrounded in an almost tangible cloud of body odor and stale weed. But this backpack didn't fit the profile, hence the evacuation. For the safety of the public."

When the backpack was unzipped by a brave member of the PPD bomb squad, its mystery only deepened.

"An examination of its contents just put us into full-on crisis mode," Mrs. Chandler said. "The backpack contained nothing but neatly folded articles of clothing, some foodstuffs, and a few bottles of water. No drugs, no crude weapons, no handmade panhandling signs. Obviously, this is not what you expect to find in an abandoned backpack in Portland, so you can understand the precautions we took."

The backpack was eventually destroyed by the bomb squad for safety reasons, leveling the Forever 21 store and causing approximately $300,000 in damage to neighboring shops.

Obamacare Website Redirects To Malia's MySpace Page

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what the White House today termed "a step in the right direction," the terminally flawed Obamacare website now consists solely of a link to the MySpace page of President Barack Obama's eldest daughter, Malia.

"Let me be clear," the president said via a Skype interview repeatedly interrupted by digital tiling and audio cut-outs. "I'm slightly less indifferent toward the perceived failed launch of Obamacare than I am about any of the other failed aspects of my presidency. I feel the Obamacare website should be more user-friendly for the tech-savvy, 2013 crowd. Therefore, I have made the decision to put the Obamacare site in the hands of a company with an eye toward the future: MySpace."

When the giggles and snickers of the under-thirty members of the press corps subsided, Mr. Obama continued.

"My beloved daughter, Malia, first worked hand-in-hand with MySpace in 2005. Together, they built a website capable of displaying her favorite foods and movies, a selection of songs she enjoyed at the time, pictures of her loved ones, and even something called a 'web log,' or 'blog' in which she could record her most intimate hopes and dreams. Clearly, MySpace is at the forefront of information technology, and that is why I have given them a blank check to fix the perceived 'glitches' in the Obamacare site."

While everyone under the age of forty burst into laughter, President Obama's Skype connection dropped out for good.

At press time, The Midwest Ledger can confirm that the team overseeing the MySpace transition includes President Obama's high school debate coach, his college pot dealer, and George Soros.

Dog Riding in Car Looks Terrified

LA JOLLA, CA—According to reports, a dog sitting in the front passenger seat of a Volkswagen Jetta on Interstate 15 appears to be on the verge of suffering a heart attack.

"I mean, it's hard to tell for sure," witness Amber Castro, 20, said when describing the plight of the pooch. "It was one of those little tiny rat-dogs that are always shivering and stuff. So I'm not sure if it was in mortal fear for its life, or if it was just being normal."

"I'm in the same boat," said Dylan Trumbo, 19, Ms. Castro's on-again, off-again beau. "The rat-dog's eyes were all bugging out and I swear I could see clumps of hair just falling out of it and floating onto the freeway, but I can't be a hundred-percent sure."

Ms. Castro added that the passenger-side window of the Jetta appeared to be half-open, but she couldn't say for sure if the dog was jumping toward the gap to get some fresh air or to splatter its itty-bitty body all over the carpool lane.

"It's really hard to say. I mean, the girl driving the car looked like a bitch, but that's just me. She looked all stuck up, plus she was like smoking a cigarette, trying to eat french fries, and texting all at the same time. If you ask me, the dog was probably better off jumping out the damn window."

At press time, the dog in question was dining on the ear of the Jetta's driver, who was ejected through the windshield after failing to slow down in time for one of Interstate 15's world-renown random traffic jams.

Retrofitting Flagpoles for Permanent Half-Staff Accounts for 33% of 3Q Growth

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After crowing about its policies' role in the nation's recent, albeit anemic, economic growth, the Obama administration was forced to stop patting itself on the back today when the driving force behind the third quarter's "new normal" of sub-3% growth was revealed.

"Yes, it's true," a clearly-perturbed Jay Carney told the White House press corps. "After taking a while to crunch the numbers, it has come to our attention that a large chunk of last quarter's growth can be indirectly attributed to the current administration's continued incompetence."

In fact, fully one-third of the upward-revised 2.5% of 2013's third-quarter Gross National Product (GDP) growth came from a tiny segment of the manufacturing and labor sectors, and was driven mainly by an increase in demand for smaller pulleys and shorter ropes for flagpoles.

"Basically, this country's been at half-staff for about five years now," Ron Kiplinger, general manager of RK Rope and Pulley intimated. "It's just been one tragedy after another. One boondoggle after another. One 'It Would Be Funny If It Happened To A Different Country' incident after another.

"Sure, it's great for business. But in the long run, it's a nightmare for the country I love."

Mr. Kiplinger's company, as the name implies, provides a variety of rope-and-pulley systems for flagpoles of all heights. His factory floor has been a scene of controlled chaos since January, 2009, when the demand for having flags that actually go all the way to the top of the pole plummeted.

"My workforce tripled after I added a labor crew to the payroll," Mr. Kiplinger said. "We've retrofitted literally millions of flagpoles over the past four-and-a-half years. Unfortunately, the accounting guys tell me business is going to go into the toilet beginning in 2016. So we're making hay while we can, so to speak."

When asked for his opinion on this breaking economic news, Vice President Joe Biden noted that "he was at half-staff right now," and that he "[has] your rope and pulley right here."

Obama Crowned Miss America 2014

ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—President Barack Obama added to his growing list of undeserved awards Sunday night when he was crowned Miss America for 2014, an accomplishment some pageant traditionalists feel tarnishes the image of the nearly century-old beauty (and brains) contest.

"The Miss America Pageant prides itself on being progressive and inclusive," former Miss New Jersey and long-time pageant spokeswoman Eileen Scavaldi told reporters, "but allowing a wealthy, married, fifty-something to win really stretches the boundaries of what Miss America is all about.

"Also," Miss Scavaldi elaborated, "the guy's a dude."

Professional pageant judge Lance Bruceman disagreed with most of Scavaldi's assessment.

"Overall, he was fabulous! Simply fabulous!" Mr. Bruceman exclaimed. "I had to dock him a few points for some fit and manscaping issues related to the swimwear portion of the contest, but he more than made up for those shortcomings during the question and answer segment. I can't remember specifically what impressed me about his answers, or even what he said, but I do know he looked f-i-n-e fine saying it!"

Mr. Bruceman also praised the president for his "strength, dignity, and valor" in participating in a contest normally reserved for college coeds of debatable intelligence, and for how "yummy" he looked in his bright red Vera Wang evening gown.

"Frankly," Mr. Bruceman went on, "Mr. Obama dominated every facet of the pageant. Those other girls didn't stand a chance against his poise, bearing, and elegance. He even showed us his feminine side when [Miss America 2013] Mallory [Hagen] put the crown on his head and he bawled like a little girl."

When asked what, in his opinion, put Mr. Obama over the top, Mr. Bruceman responded, "Definitely the talent segment. I've seen a million ventriloquist acts, but I've never seen someone enunciate so clearly and convincingly. And to think he did it all without the use of a dummy!

"Mr. Obama obviously has a God-given talent for talking out of his ass."

Obama Commemorates September 11th

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a solemn, little-reported speech this afternoon, President Barack Obama took time out from a busy day to address a small group gathered in the shadow of the Washington Monument.

"Let me be clear," the president said at a podium just feet from the Reflecting Pool. "I'm standing here with you today because September 11th is indeed a day for reflecting. Every single American has been touched by this particular calendar date, myself included."

After pausing a moment for polite applause, Mr. Obama continued.

"Take September 11, 1961, for instance. I was a mere five weeks old and not yet empowered with the motor skills that would allow me to impart my charismatic brand of genius upon the simple denizens of this then-backward nation. The country would have to wait nearly fifty years for my leadership. Truly tragic."

While the gape-mouthed crowd stared at him in disbelief, Mr. Obama went on.

"And who could forget September 11, 1966? It was my first day of school, and Billy Kalamea, fully twice my size, pushed me to the asphalt on the playground and stole my lunch. A catastrophe for myself, the state of Hawaii, and America as a whole."

President Obama mentioned a dozen other horrific incidents that occurred on September 11th, including in 1982, when his trusted dealer shorted him on a dime-bag, 1994, when he was involved in a fender-bender with an uninsured motorist, and 2001, when he and Michelle engaged in a heated argument over the quality of her broccoli casserole.

"She wouldn't talk to me for a week," Mr. Obama added, chuckling and checking his hair in the Reflecting Pool. "It was a difficult time for all, yet we pulled together and managed to get through it."

 
At press time, President Obama was on the phone in the Oval Office wishing President Bashar al-Assad of Syria a happy 48th birthday.

Violence Erupts During Obama's Syria Speech

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Police departments in several U.S. cities reported outbreaks of violence last night during President Barack Obama's nationally-televised speech supporting a military strike against Bashar al-Assad's oppressive Syrian regime.

"What the hell is this?" Jenny Samuels, 21, shouted in her dorm room at Georgetown University as President Obama stepped to the podium. "Didn't we go through this exact same crap like ten years ago with that other president guy?"

"Yeah!" agreed roommate Kelly Chen, also 21. "Last time, they only pre-empted 'Friends,' so it was no big deal. But to think Obama has the nerve to interrupt the live finale of 'So You Think You Can Dance?'

"The whole situation just makes me want to rip all the hair out of my head!" Chen added before unleashing an animalistic shriek of rage and smashing the television remote against the wall.

College students weren't the only ones angered by Mr. Obama's decision to deliver a live, 15-minute speech during prime-time. Stockbrokers Gary Thompson and Ed Stern were sitting at a bar in Manhattan awaiting the start of "American Ninja Warrior" when NBC cut in to present the speech.

"You have to be [expletive] kidding me!" Thompson lamented as the president stated his case for increased American involvement in the always-volatile Middle East. "I worked hard all day gambling with other people's money. All I want to do is sit back with a drink and watch my favorite TV show. Is that too much to ask?

"That bastard's lucky he's in his last term," Mr. Stern chimed in. "There's no way I'd vote for him a third time."

 
Ten minutes later, incensed by President Obama's refusal to stop "yammering away about stuff no one cares about," Stern hurled his martini glass across the room then punched a fellow bar patron in the face several times, triggering a brawl that resulted in six arrests and four hospitalizations.

State of Idaho Commits Suicide Following Boise State Loss

BOISE, ID—In a shocking development that has stunned much of the American northwest, the entire state of Idaho committed suicide en masse following the Boise State University football team's 38-6 loss to the University of Washington late Saturday night.

"Yeah, I knew something was wrong when I heard what sounded like a thunderclap right around 10pm," Clarkston, Washington resident Neil Watkins recounted when told that approximately 1.6 million of his neighbors were dead from self-inflicted gunshot wounds. "It was a beautiful night, not a cloud in the sky. But then right at ten o'clock. Boom!"

Other residents of Clarkston, which lies just across the border from Lewiston, Idaho, shared similar stories.

"Yup," said Margaret Welch, 77. "I was watchin' the game, just like everyone else. It was close in the first half, then BSU's defense went all to Hades, which we've come to expect. But as the game clock ticked on and on, it became pretty clear the offense wasn't going to bail them out the way they have the last seven years or so. Then, bang!"

Although BSU, a perennial Mountain West Conference powerhouse, was only ranked 19th in both the NCAA preseason AP and USA Today coaches' polls, Idahoans were confident the Broncos had a legitimate shot at the BCS championship.

"Sure, they're a big fish in a microscopic pond," Boise resident Todd Fields said during a cigarette break at his business meeting in Spokane. "They beat the crap out their conference, stomp on a few non-conference creampuffs, then skate to a top-five ranking and finagle their way into a meaningful bowl game. That's the way it's always been.

"At least, that's the way it used to be," Fields added, gazing wistfully at a dangerously-congested highway just 100 feet away from him.

At press time, the NCAA had issued Early-Season Suicide Watches (ESSWs) for the Athens, Georgia, and Lincoln, Nebraska regions.

Hipsters' Taste In Arcane Triviality Driving U.S. Economy

WASHINGTON, D.C.—While a great portion of this nation's citizens are feeling the brunt of the current economic crisis, a certain, remarkably hairy portion of the population is actually contributing to the future success of America.

"I really don't feel like I'm doing anything," antique shop owner Miles Freese said as he wiped clean a display counter housing 1960s political campaign buttons, rusty '50s-era robot replica toys, and movie posters featuring actors who didn't bother to fight in World War II. "I've been saving all this stuff for a reason, I guess. Maybe some day a deity or better businessman will come along and explain to me exactly why."

Mr. Freese isn't alone. All over the country, small businessmen who have a penchant for panache and who vote Democrat are realizing that their dream is dead. Over. They can no longer sell trinkets for profit.

"I have to admit, it was better under Bush," said Ralf Norman, proprietor of 'Staches 'N' Stuff', a haberdashery that focuses on the needs of the modern mustachioed man. "I could offer my employees fair pay, decent hours, and adequate healthcare. Then they would spend their paycheck at the record store next door. Nancy Sinatra B-sides were a big draw."

"And mustache wax," Mr. Norman added. "You'd think the wax industry was dead, then BAM! Everywhere you look, unemployable douchebags with no sense of style are rocking the handlebar mustache." Mr. Norman wiped a tear from his eye, then continued. "Seriously, bros. Your love of stupid, trendy bullshit saved my life. Thank you. Thank you."

At press time, The Midwest Ledger can report that president Barack Obama is trying really, really hard to grow a goatee.

Syria Bombed With Replicas of Obama's Nobel Peace Prize

DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Citizens of the war-torn nation of Syria were surprised today to find the remnants of their homes buried under up to a foot of golden discs of indeterminable origin.

"Praise be to Allah!" longtime Damascus resident Ali al-Hawa, 70, exclaimed as he scooped armfuls of the golden, coin-like objects into a cracked porcelain toilet bowl located in the middle of what was once a street. "We have prayed with all of our might for a way out of this shithole, and finally our prayers are answered!"

"I have to admit, I was genuinely shocked," said neighbor Mahmoud al-Gawai, 32, as he filled his pockets with the strange gifts from the sky. "When I crawled out of the rubble of my childhood home this morning for a jog, I found the land covered with these golden discs bearing the likeness of a white man and with the number '2009' inscribed upon them. Personally, I don't care where they came from. Allahu freakin' Akbar, baby! I'm rich!"

A United Nations representative designated to avoid sniper fire while giving the president of the United States an excuse to unleash further hell upon the Syrian people quickly discovered the source of the discs.

"These gold discs bear all the hallmarks of the Americans," U.N. weapons inspector Hans Vetmeter said, holding one of the six-ounce, 2.5-inch diameter objects up for the press to see. "Notice the cheap gold-plated construct, typical of a nation trying to appear more prosperous than it actually is. And the date on this thing is over four-and-a-half years old. The Obama administration is clearly living in the past.

"I mean, two years of civil war, the destruction of their cities, and the gassing of their children, and Obama waits until now to make his presence felt in Syria?" Vetmeter went on, color rising on his cheeks. "The fact that the Nobel committee would even consider awarding this prize to a previously unemployed community organizer—"

Inspector Vetmeter's words were then drowned out by the sound of a hundred American cruise missiles engulfing Damascus in flames.

'Yakety Sax' Replaces 'Hail to the Chief' as Presidential Anthem

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that surprised approximately no one, the Department of Defense today announced that the song "Hail to the Chief," which traditionally accompanies the President of the United States during his public appearances, will be replaced at least temporarily by "Yakety Sax."

"Yeah, I don't know what that is," Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel mumbled when confronted by reporters just outside the Pentagon. "Someone put some paperwork on my desk about changing some music or something, so I signed it."

When asked if he even knew that the playing of "Hail to the Chief," for some bizarre reason, falls under the jurisdiction of his department, and that he could look that arcane piece of trivia up, Mr. Hagel elaborated.

"I don't know."

"Yakety Sax," probably better known as the theme song to popular 1970s British television program "The Benny Hill Show," is an upbeat, even jaunty tune. Typically, it's played while incompetent authority figures attempt to capture terminally drunk and horny Benny Hill, who appears to expend little to no effort in evading them.

"It's pretty heavy stuff, if you think about it," said Spin magazine roving editor and 2005-to-present music historian Zander Reese. "I mean, with all the scandals and stuff going on, plus the economy, plus now the war in Syria that has to happen because Obama wanted to look tough during the election and now he's shitting himself because he actually has to back his words up.

"Need I say more?"

The descendants of Boots Randolph, the man who popularized the tune in 1963, unanimously agreed with the government's decision.

"First of all, it totally fits," said granddaughter Sandra Randolph in a statement. "Second of all, those idiots are paying us seven figures. Each."

83% of San Diego-Area Anchor Babies Traced to Single Male Donor

SAN DIEGO, CA—An American scientist's attempt to trace exactly where so-called "anchor babies" were being born nationwide recently resulted in a finding that has rocked the disciplines of anthropology and genealogy alike.

"We suspected the majority of anchor babies would be found in the southwestern United States, with a gradual migration to the north and east over time," Dr. Amanda Nelson-Velez told Anthropology Quarterly. "However, my data shows an extraordinarily high concentration in San Diego County, much higher than I had thought possible."

Even more surprising is that DNA samples from these first-generation Americans point to a single male contributor.

"Believe me, I went over the numbers a thousand times looking for errors," Dr. Nelson-Velez said. "I found none. It is simply mind-boggling to think that one solitary man could be responsible for impregnating literally millions of women in this country over the past three decades.

"And before you ask, neither Bill Clinton nor Shawn Kemp were matches."

The mother of a San Diego anchor baby spoke to The Midwest Ledger on the condition of anonymity.

"He was a white man in a position of power," the woman said through an interpreter. "No, not Bill Clinton. He was very charming in the way he constantly grabbed my breasts as I polished his desk and loudly regaled me with tales of his sexual prowess as I vacuumed his rug. Ultimately, I could not resist his advances. I am not proud of my weakness, but I very much love my son, Roberto."

"That's another thing," Dr. Nelson-Velez continued, shaking her head. "Almost every kid was named Robert or Roberta, Bobby or Bobbie. Sometimes Roberto. But always some variation on Robert."

At press time, Bob Filner was reaching for the groin region of a female police officer attempting to obtain a DNA sample from him.

American Scientists First to Isolate Snarkium in Laboratory

PASADENA, CA—A group of physicists at the California Institute of Technology has become the first in the world to document the existence of snarkium, the newest element to be added to the fabled periodic table since number 118, ununoctium, earned the honor in 2002. Although snarkium had long been predicted to exist in collegiate laboratories across the nation, the CIT team was the initial one to prove it.

"Of course we were first," project leader Kevin Wu told reporters. "Who did you think had a better chance? The Cro-Magnons at Cal Poly? The mouth-breathers at MIT?

"Yeah, right," Dr. Wu added contemptuously. "Scoreboard, bitches. Look up at it."

The head of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's renowned theoretical physics department, Dr. Martin Culver, congratulated the CIT team on its historic accomplishment.

"On behalf of MIT and the scientific community as a whole, I'd like to offer kudos to the CIT team on their discovery of the 119th element. Personally, I didn't think any of those idiots could even count to 119 unless it was the number of pounds their doctor insisted they lose to fall out of the 'morbidly obese' category on the Body Mass Index scale. Once again, please accept my heartfelt congratulations, tubtards. If you dorks ever discover an element that cures acne, halitosis, and dandruff, you might actually get laid someday."

Hans Hellwig, acting director of "Physicists' Heaven," the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland, had nothing but praise for the CIT crew as well.

"Oh mein Gott!" Dr. Hellwig said when told of the news. "A bunch of C-minus students in America 'discovered' something that has been floating around the universe for 13.8 billion years? Good for them! Sehr gut! Remind me again, where do the Americans rank in education these days among the rest of the countries? Seventeenth? Call me when someone from Finland or South Korea confirms the findings."

Scientists don't yet know how snarkium can possibly benefit humanity, but its existence has piqued the interest of college professors, internet trolls, and smirking, condescending liberals worldwide.

96% of Males Have Made Transition to Left-Handed Masturbation, Study Finds

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Just a few short decades ago, the vast majority of human males achieved autoerotic bliss strictly via vigorous manipulation of their penis with their right hand. However, the advent of the computer age has changed all that.

"Personally, I credit Douglas Engelbart for encouraging so many modern-day males to reach climax," Harvard research fellow Dr. Kaz Mizuno said. "He invented the computer mouse, and since the internet came along...Well, you know where I'm going with this."

Mr. Engelbart, who passed away earlier this year at age 88, surely had no idea that his invention would result in the most prolific evolutionary shift in Homo sapiens since the harnessing of fire around 200,000 years ago.

"Traditionally, about 90% of the human population is right-handed," Dr. Mizuno said. "So it would be natural to assume that a full 90 percent of men would spank the monkey with their right hand. And until about a quarter-century ago, that theory held true. But the 'perfect storm' created by the mouse and the internet has changed all that."

Dr. Mizuno's study found that even older men are making the seamless transition to left-handed jerking.

"You would think their age would preclude them from flogging the dolphin in front of a computer screen," Dr. Mizuno said with a laugh. "But this simply isn't the case. We found that men who happily pulled their own taffy to Marilyn Monroe's Playboy spread with their right hand in 1953 made the adjustment to polishing their banister left-handed to digital photographs of Kate Upton in 2013 with little to no problem. Of course, most of them needed help from that little blue pill."

"Yay, science!" Dr. Mizuno concluded.

NSA Buys Patch From AOL For $250 Million

FORT MEADE, MD—In a move sure to upset taxpayers already fed up with the Obama administration's intrusion into the personal lives of law-abiding citizens, the National Security Administration (NSA) today announced the purchase of failing "hyper-local" news website Patch for the princely sum of $250 million.

Patch, which had been owned by the equally relevant and profitable AOL, provides news and information to users on the small-town and even neighborhood level. AOL initially bought Patch in 2009 for $7 million.

"Obviously, Patch and the NSA are a perfect fit," NSA spokeswoman Claire Downey told a group of assembled reporters. "Patch prides itself on being tuned-in to the latest news on the street. They want to give their readers up-to-date information on such diverse subjects as road closures, restaurant grand openings, the marital status of the hot blonde who just walked into the apartment building across from you, and the social security number of the man who just drove by in his Bentley.

"Naturally, the NSA is more than capable of providing this information, and much, much, more to Patch's eager user base."

A reporter asked Ms. Downey if Patch was worth the $250 million asking price.

"Asking price?" Ms. Downey repeated, obviously unfamiliar with the phrase. "We just showed them a government-backed check for $250 million, and they leapt at the opportunity. Literally leapt. My bodyguards had to restrain several Patch employees, unfortunately. But nobody was seriously injured in the fracas."

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Editor's note: Dear NSA, The Midwest Ledger is a humble satirical blog. But you guys are really smart and stuff and already figured that out. Thanks for being cool.

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At press time, the editorial staff of The Midwest Ledger were being escorted into a trio of black Chevy Suburbans. Wish them luck.