SAN DIEGO, CA—An American scientist's attempt to trace
exactly where so-called "anchor babies" were being born nationwide
recently resulted in a finding that has rocked the disciplines of anthropology
and genealogy alike.
"We suspected the majority of anchor babies would be
found in the southwestern United
States, with a gradual migration to the
north and east over time," Dr. Amanda Nelson-Velez told Anthropology Quarterly. "However,
my data shows an extraordinarily high concentration in San Diego County,
much higher than I had thought possible."
Even more surprising is that DNA samples from these
first-generation Americans point to a single male contributor.
"Believe me, I went over the numbers a thousand times
looking for errors," Dr. Nelson-Velez said. "I found none. It is
simply mind-boggling to think that one solitary man could be responsible for
impregnating literally millions of women in this country over the past three decades.
"And before you ask, neither Bill Clinton nor Shawn
Kemp were matches."
The mother of a San
Diego anchor baby spoke to The Midwest Ledger on the condition of anonymity.
"He was a white man in a position of power," the
woman said through an interpreter. "No, not Bill Clinton. He was very
charming in the way he constantly grabbed my breasts as I polished his desk and
loudly regaled me with tales of his sexual prowess as I vacuumed his rug.
Ultimately, I could not resist his advances. I am not proud of my weakness, but
I very much love my son, Roberto."
"That's another thing," Dr. Nelson-Velez continued,
shaking her head. "Almost every kid was named Robert or Roberta, Bobby or
Bobbie. Sometimes Roberto. But always some variation on Robert."
