CUPERTINO,
CA—In yet another instance of
giving the public exactly what it wants, Apple today announced the availability
of the controversial "iPunch" application for its ubiquitous mobile
devices.
"The iPunch app is at the forefront of interactive
technology," gushed Apple spokeswoman Candace Fowler. "It gives our
customers the ability to walk the streets of any city with the same confidence
reserved for VIPs and dignitaries who have the luxury of an at-the-ready team
of bodyguards."
Downloadable at iTunes for 99 cents, the iPunch app allows
users to contact local persons to come to their aid if confronted by a mugger,
a gang of thugs, or even just a garden-variety douchebag.
"Sadly, the adage that when seconds count, the police
are minutes away holds true in most large cities," Ms. Fowler said.
"That's where iPunch comes in. With just a few swipes of your fingertip,
you can have an army of ultra-violent, meth-addled miscreants at your beck and call.
Or imagine the look on the face of the guy who cuts you off in traffic when he
gets his jaw broken by a recently-released convict. Classic."
Ms. Fowler predicted that iPunch would prove most popular
among single women, bullied students, and people with a low tolerance level for
assholes.
