ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—President Barack Obama added to his growing list of
undeserved awards Sunday night when he was crowned Miss America for
2014, an accomplishment some pageant traditionalists feel tarnishes the image
of the nearly century-old beauty (and brains) contest.
"The Miss America Pageant prides itself on being
progressive and inclusive," former Miss New Jersey and long-time pageant spokeswoman
Eileen Scavaldi told reporters, "but allowing a wealthy, married, fifty-something
to win really stretches the boundaries of what Miss America is all about.
"Also," Miss Scavaldi elaborated, "the guy's
a dude."
Professional pageant judge Lance Bruceman disagreed with most
of Scavaldi's assessment.
"Overall, he was fabulous! Simply fabulous!" Mr.
Bruceman exclaimed. "I had to dock him a few points for some fit and
manscaping issues related to the swimwear portion of the contest, but he more
than made up for those shortcomings during the question and answer segment. I
can't remember specifically what impressed me about his answers, or even what
he said, but I do know he looked f-i-n-e fine
saying it!"
Mr. Bruceman also praised the president for his
"strength, dignity, and valor" in participating in a contest normally
reserved for college coeds of debatable intelligence, and for how
"yummy" he looked in his bright red Vera Wang evening gown.
"Frankly," Mr. Bruceman went on, "Mr. Obama
dominated every facet of the pageant. Those other girls didn't stand a chance
against his poise, bearing, and elegance. He even showed us his feminine side
when [Miss America 2013] Mallory [Hagen] put the crown on his head and he
bawled like a little girl."
When asked what, in his opinion, put Mr. Obama over the top,
Mr. Bruceman responded, "Definitely the talent segment. I've seen a
million ventriloquist acts, but I've never seen someone enunciate so clearly
and convincingly. And to think he did it all without the use of a dummy!
