DAMASCUS, SYRIA—Citizens of the war-torn nation of Syria were
surprised today to find the remnants of their homes buried under up to a foot
of golden discs of indeterminable origin.
"Praise be to Allah!" longtime Damascus resident
Ali al-Hawa, 70, exclaimed as he scooped armfuls of the golden, coin-like
objects into a cracked porcelain toilet bowl located in the middle of what was
once a street. "We have prayed with all of our might for a way out of this
shithole, and finally our prayers are answered!"
"I have to admit, I was genuinely shocked," said
neighbor Mahmoud al-Gawai, 32, as he filled his pockets with the strange gifts
from the sky. "When I crawled out of the rubble of my childhood home this
morning for a jog, I found the land covered with these golden discs bearing the
likeness of a white man and with the number '2009' inscribed upon them.
Personally, I don't care where they came from. Allahu freakin' Akbar, baby! I'm
rich!"
A United Nations representative designated to avoid sniper
fire while giving the president of the United States an excuse to unleash
further hell upon the Syrian people quickly discovered the source of the discs.
"These gold discs bear all the hallmarks of the Americans,"
U.N. weapons inspector Hans Vetmeter said, holding one of the six-ounce,
2.5-inch diameter objects up for the press to see. "Notice the cheap
gold-plated construct, typical of a nation trying to appear more prosperous than
it actually is. And the date on this thing is over four-and-a-half years old.
The Obama administration is clearly living in the past.
"I mean, two years of civil war, the destruction of
their cities, and the gassing of their children, and Obama waits until now to
make his presence felt in Syria?"
Vetmeter went on, color rising on his cheeks. "The fact that the Nobel
committee would even consider awarding this prize to a previously unemployed
community organizer—"
