CAMBRIDGE,
MA—Just a few short decades ago,
the vast majority of human males achieved autoerotic bliss strictly via
vigorous manipulation of their penis with their right hand. However, the advent
of the computer age has changed all that.
"Personally, I credit Douglas Engelbart for encouraging
so many modern-day males to reach climax," Harvard research fellow Dr. Kaz
Mizuno said. "He invented the computer mouse, and since the internet came along...Well,
you know where I'm going with this."
Mr. Engelbart, who passed away earlier this year at age 88,
surely had no idea that his invention would result in the most prolific
evolutionary shift in Homo sapiens
since the harnessing of fire around 200,000 years ago.
"Traditionally, about 90% of the human population is
right-handed," Dr. Mizuno said. "So it would be natural to assume
that a full 90 percent of men would spank the monkey with their right hand. And
until about a quarter-century ago, that theory held true. But the 'perfect
storm' created by the mouse and the internet has changed all that."
Dr. Mizuno's study found that even older men are making the
seamless transition to left-handed jerking.
"You would think their age would preclude them from
flogging the dolphin in front of a computer screen," Dr. Mizuno said with
a laugh. "But this simply isn't the case. We found that men who happily
pulled their own taffy to Marilyn Monroe's Playboy
spread with their right hand in 1953 made the adjustment to polishing their
banister left-handed to digital photographs of Kate Upton in 2013 with little
to no problem. Of course, most of them needed help from that little blue
pill."
