PASADENA,
CA—A group of physicists at the
California Institute of Technology has become the first in the world to
document the existence of snarkium, the newest element to be added to the fabled
periodic table since number 118, ununoctium, earned the honor in 2002. Although
snarkium had long been predicted to exist in collegiate laboratories across the
nation, the CIT team was the initial one to prove it.
"Of course we were first," project leader Kevin Wu
told reporters. "Who did you think had a better chance? The Cro-Magnons at
Cal Poly? The mouth-breathers at MIT?
"Yeah, right," Dr. Wu added contemptuously.
"Scoreboard, bitches. Look up at it."
The head of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's
renowned theoretical physics department, Dr. Martin Culver, congratulated the
CIT team on its historic accomplishment.
"On behalf of MIT and the scientific community as a
whole, I'd like to offer kudos to the CIT team on their discovery of the 119th
element. Personally, I didn't think any of those idiots could even count to 119
unless it was the number of pounds their doctor insisted they lose to fall out
of the 'morbidly obese' category on the Body Mass Index scale. Once again,
please accept my heartfelt congratulations, tubtards. If you dorks ever
discover an element that cures acne, halitosis, and dandruff, you might
actually get laid someday."
Hans Hellwig, acting director of "Physicists'
Heaven," the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland,
had nothing but praise for the CIT crew as well.
"Oh mein Gott!" Dr. Hellwig said when told of the
news. "A bunch of C-minus students in America 'discovered' something that
has been floating around the universe for 13.8 billion years? Good for them! Sehr
gut! Remind me again, where do the Americans rank in education these days among
the rest of the countries? Seventeenth? Call me when someone from Finland or South Korea confirms the findings."
